Something beautiful

I was playing dumb
That plot line has been
Done to death.
Bye

There's more plot holes
Than in the sixth sense.
Fighting outside the bar
And a spectator only sees him.
Aw well it's in his imagination.
That the film blown.
He's having sex with his
Girlfriend but is also
On top of the stairs
Looking around the kitchen.
No sleep? But he is physically
Strong enough to pummel
People to bits.
Work in the office.
Travel over seas.
And work in a restaurant.
And train people to make
Soap and bombs

My biological dad
Was said to be a
Very intelligent man.
He left school at fifteen.
He said he could
Not stand living at
Home any more.
With "her" his mum,
And my granmy.
Yet he turned
Down apartments from
The local council
Time and time again.
He never got over
My mum and his
Separation. He was
Completely stuck in a time warp.
All he did was watch
Old war movies,
And speak about the army.
Did he get discharged
Because his own brothers
In arms broke his
Leg on purpose in
A football match?
I don't think
He had seasonal affective disorder
He had depression.
I know he had a stroke
As well. And I accepted
That he had a disability.
And that he wasn't
Tip top physically.
Being a young child
I asked questions
When I plucked up
The courage and he
Would never give
Me a straight answer.
When I first started
To see him every second
Weekend he said he
Had skeletons in the closet
And it was clear
He meant they would
Be staying there.
I grew up thinking
That all families
Kept secrets and lies
And I found it
Hard to trust I
Will put my hands
Up and admit this.

It was confusing
For me growing up.
I always felt that
My mum and step dad and brother
Were my family.
And that my father
Was the complication.
I had to think before
I spoke depending on
Who I was with or
Speaking to. If I
Called David by his name
My mum and him
Would admonish me.
David is your dad.
Your biological father
Doesnt feed or clothe you
Or put a roof over your head.
But I was too young
To make a decision yet.
And David was so
Short tempered and he
And my mum hit me
All the time.
My biological father
Never got angry.
And that's why
I wanted to get to
Know him.
I felt I was so
Different to my mum
When I was young
I was shy, the stark
Opposite of my mum.
So I must be
More like my father.
And truthfully my brothers
Side didn't really
Make me feel
Like I was part of the family.
My father wasn't
The monster my
Mum made him
Out to be. I
Always thought my
Brother had it easier.

I hated myself
For having to live a double life
And not really knowing
Why I was doing it
And what for
Having to become neutral
And sit on the fence
All the time.
Being told you had
No conviction and didn't
Know your own mind
Because you were
Afraid of upsetting one party.

Did you fall off the stage?
Can't kid a kidder.

Teenage pregnancy case. Sorry.
Child bearing hips
Pinch an inch.
It takes two to tango.
I grew up.
I am still perplexed as to
Why a man with
Family can justify
Bullying a young woman online.

I was certain I wouldn't
End up like them.
So it did rouse some
Uncomfortably angry feelings.
I didn't realise
How much I looked
At the ground
Always lost in thought
Or worrying about my life.
With the illness
Creeping up too.
I had to call it a day.
In class I considered
It a cop out.
It didn't occur to
Me to speak about
Red tartan or soup bubbles.
I was young
I didn't think they
Affected me directly.
I had never said one
Word to the boy in class.
And the other
Didn't feel like my pain
To own.

You would pick
A weird subject to do.
That's boys films and music.
Some people didn't
Like me because I
Did well and was allegedly
An intelligent youngster.
The world of work
Requires so much more
Than passing an exam.
I wouldn't be led
Into a false sense
Of security.

Conversion to alcohol
Southern comfort and lime
Black eye on space invader
I could only put up
With her in small doses.
My friend likes that anime.
Bobbles on wrist.
You caught me off gaurd.
Crates of strawberries.
The flowers, fell off
Being too adventurous.

You never relax .
The large pizza
You are just pulling my leg.
Slow down at ghost.
You hold your fork
Like a shovel.
That was parsnips
And not potatoes.
He will trip me
Up at some point.
Cajun. All he spoke
About was fighting.
Please change the subject.
He forced me to
Go out and I
Was sick when got home.
I just wanted a
Day to recharge my batteries.
He would sulk like a child
I am bored. I am so bored.
I don't have a life.
It your fault
I have the life of a dog.
It was you and ward f^^king four
That made me burn my bridges.
I expected you to leave.
I know your mum
Told you to visit me.
Not all your pals
Were against you.
You can get back in touch.
You stopped ME
Going to my friends
Birthday milestone
Persuading me that
I could not afford
To rent a costume.
We had just moved in
Together and you
Were flexing your control.

Why don't you
Arrange a game of snooker or pool?
Go to the gym ?
You were offered a place
On that football team.
I'm nae allowed
Says guy in office.
I don't stop you
I need time to myself
I wish you would give
Me time to myself.
I'll come and watch
Football when you play.
But they are a shi^e team.
Thats not the point.
I go to night classes
At college. I wish
You would get a hobby.
If you went to red
Phone box for a pint
I would be happy.
Why do you insist
On this drama
That's not there.
Acting like your a martyr?
When you are not.
I am grateful you
Stuck around after
The hospitable. I didn't
Know what was going
To transpire either.
I guess many guys
Your age would have
Been cowards. Not
Wanting to be tied down.
Having your whole life
Ahead of you
There's plenty more
Fish in the sea.

The teachers told
My mum and step dad
To speak to me
And my brother when
Having a bath
They must have said
They were that busy
They didn't have time.
My mum worked twenty
Hours a week in a pub
Yet didn't have time for us?
We did an exercise in class.
And I told my mum
I put that I would
Be a teacher or nurse
Not knowing what else to say.
And she laughed
Really dramatically and
Didn't give me
An explanation as to why.
I didn't really have
A female role model
Who was successful.
My grandparents and teachers
All thought I had
The potential and ability
To go to university
And make something
Of my life.
Even David said
I needed to decide
What I wanted to do
And that I should
Put my brains to good use.
So why would
She burst out
Laughing so callously.
Yet when people
Said I was intelligent
She would say "very
Inelligent" but at home
It was a different
Story altogether.

My aunt knew
There was something off
Between the way
My mum would
Blow so hot and cold,
Much more cold than
The former . I always
Sensed that my mum
Did not want me
To do well
Because her life
Hadn't gone the
Way she had hoped.
Like I was a
Constant reminder of
Her life with my father.
She would say
She would check
The obituaries hoping
That he was dead.

We were out for
Lunch with our
More well off counterparts.
And she declared:
I have had a hard life.
And I was incensed
And I said some
Home truths seeing red.
I had been in hospital
And needed medication.
My mum never recieved
The pity she feel
She deserved from
Her marriage to my father.
Where she claimed
She was verbally abuse.
They brought up
A distant relative in
My grans side
Of the family when
The doctors questioned
Them behind my back.
Hoping it was a
Genetic defect I had
Inherited and that
There was nothing wrong
With my up-bringing.

Oliver twist, loops around and runs out the building, a month later, he learns how to fly budgie the little helicopter and screws the nuts and bolts. Dribs and drabs of rain slash, hard luck chuck dee

I'm not really sure if you want a response to your posts or not? So I'm sorry if you don't. I've thought about responding a few times to say that I am reading this thread, but I don't know if that's necessary or not. Idk... Anyway, I'm sorry that happened to you. Everybody laughed at my career aspirations too.

Also, there's this idea of RD Laing's (well, it might not be his idea per se, but I read about it from him) that schizophrenia is a result of growing up in an environment with a lot of 'double binds'; where people repeatedly say one thing and then the opposite and yet don't seem to realise the contradictions. His book 'Sanity, Madness and the Family' illustrates this phenomenon really well. It's also really easy to read as it's mostly transcripts of conversations among families (I struggle to read a lot of the time, and I know some other people do too.)

I don't agree about double binds causing schizophrenia, and I also don't believe that the women in his book should've been diagnosed with schizophrenia, or would be in this day and age. But the book was interesting to me because it really illustrated how confusing growing up with that kind of contradiction and uncertainty could be, which validated my experiences (still ongoing) of it.

Wishing you all the best

*Willow*

Since you thanked the reply above me... Let me share my story with you.

Before reading any of it, I warn you I am truly schizophrenic and what I say may not make perfect sense. But it's all true.

I am a seventeen year old schizophrenic who had a "very early onset." Read "Is Traumatic Brain Injury A Risk Factor for Schizophrenia? A Meta-Analysis of Case-Controlled Population-Based Studies" on the ncbi website. I was thrown on a wall by my father when I was three months old. My psychiatrist doesn't bother giving me therapy. I am about to explain you why.

Since I was a child I was traumatized by my parents. I was excluded from society (didn't let me go outside of school) (that includes my relatives, they didn't let me see them and vice versa.) I was constantly told I am a "failure" as I matured. I was told that I have to "create history and do something." I was constantly terrorized by the fights my parents had, funny enough -- not really, mental illness is not fun -- because of their own mental illness and altered perception.

I am not kidding you, I have lost my anger. I do not feel angry anymore. Nor do I feel sad. Or happy. Anything except fear and guilt/shame is alien to me now. I cannot stop daydreaming. I feel so physically exhausted every day... but here's the best (worst?) part.

Remember the part where I said I was excluded from society? I still am. While my friends ride motorbikes while wearing jackets and sunglasses on, I am here browsing the internet and wasting my life. I already have squint and I weigh 100kg. My friends are out there, studying in library with friends, or having lunch at a restaurant, or hitting the gym, some calmly listening to music and some you know, none of my business. They have their own geared bikes, they are trusted enough by others to have them give their four wheeler key, or money, or you know, girlfriend.

Some come in for fights for friends on the streets, some prefer doing laboratory work, some are busy chatting to Facebook friends, etc. etc. you get it.

I am only a person that has been home most of his life with his psychotic parents. "THEY MAY NOT BE PERFECT", sure, but you don't need the exact opposite, "terrible." You know, when I go to tuition or school, people victimize me (more so recently, after my symptoms have become obvious) and are like "My birthday's in X days, give me Y amount of money and I'll never forget it!" In short, what psychiatry calls victimization of patients, they have figured out that I am a "retarded psycho." While both me and my doctor know I am not.

The trouble is, I keep constantly forgetting what I originally wanted to say. So read on for more.

Anyway, I am in a very dire condition. I also have to see my sister go crazy the same way I did. She is only eight. I am homebound by my psychotic parents. And I don't want to involve the law enforcement either, because you know, they are my parents. I have already lost my future because of them. There's no point in getting them behind the bars (thus traumatizing my sister, she is going to lose her future too but like my doctor I cannot do anything.)

I wanted to be a be a doctor and save lives. I had huge respect for doctors because they treat persons for horrible diseases. Not anymore because I've found out that they cannot do anything either in the most dire of cases. First line, of course, continued : I cannot. I cannot withstand the rigor of med school due to my illness, which took away my life from me. Which was the blessing of my parents. They traumatized me, still do and will in future, there's no escape from my untimely death (all stress, all the isolation, all the genetic environment, all the emotions, all the fat) and I, who could have been the next House (Dr.Gregory House) was not destined to save the world.

You know what would have happened if I was born to normal people (good jobs, good mental health, good heart and most importantly good intelligence) I would have been a pretty normal person who got all the girls and won friends. I would have rode a Royal Enfield and/or a KTM and would have been a kind-of famous local medical student by this time. Now I am forced to do a B.Sc instead. I fancied myself pretty brilliant, but I got 48% in the high school boards (not from USA.)

So why all the rambling?

I needed to tell you something I have gone through some bad parenting as well, you shouldn't cry over it. Just now my mom is planning to leave the house tomorrow and take away my sister with her. I don't know what will happen, I am a victim of horrible parenting. My sister, who I aforementioned is only eight years old and will go crazy just like me. Even my doctor cannot do anything about my situation.

Even if your life is ruined (which is pretty sure not, both of your parents should have psychosis/dementia if you want it to be voluntarily ruined by them), do not lose hope as it is temporary and it too shall pass on. And even if it doesn't, don't cry, you are one of the millions, which I am one of, who died for no reason and had their life ruined.

Watch Mr Robot, play with your pet, go outside, do whatever in the hell that interests you and just forget that you cannot "be normal." Neither could I, but I am pretty cool about it. Some imaginary guys gave me PTSD, the severity of my psychosis. All because of my parents. But what can you do about it? That's just the law of the world, as Darwin put is, "Those who are not fit, perish." Even we as human beings sometimes aren't fit. Are we not animals?

I love you, dear stranger, but you're one of the many that could not be raised by good parents. I am one of them (as you've figured out by now), but after all, nothing can be done about it....

I'm sorry that you've experienced so much suffering in your life I disagree though that "nothing can be done about it". If your pdoc won't provide therapy for you, are you able to see a separate therapist? If you check out the psychotherapy forum here on PC, you can see that a lot of people have taken steps forward in their lives with good therapy, despite some pretty horrendous early experiences. You can't erase the past, but there is always a way forward out of those experiences. There's always hope

Wishing you the best

*Willow*

Thank you.

I do not have a therapist in my city at all. I do not live in the West. So finding one is hard. I am scarred for life (still don't know how to behave in front of people, which has become a phobia) And therapy won't change anything if I am abused every day and out of contact with the rest of society. Supposed to meet their horrible expectations. To be "perfect", despite my schizophrenia.

I don’t want to derail the thread further, but I’m sure that if you made your own thread, either here or in the psychotherapy section, people would be willing to support you, and help you brainstorm possible steps to take to better deal with your current situation and find a way forward, if you wanted to

*Willow*

I am slightly ashamed
Of my teenage self.
Going out before I was legal
Trusting my friends.
It's all

My job would be boring
If you were not here.
What did that mean?
You were doing your
Personal shopping and
I could see you
Staring at end of isle
With your husband and kid.
You went past with
Your little boy
And I just smiled
Because I wasn't confident
With kids and I didn't
Feel at ease speaking to you.
At Least you have colour today,
You said. I am naturally pale.
And I didn't wear make
Up during most shifts.
I liked to save myself
For nights out and
Special occasions and I
Had a nice complexion.
We were having a
Team informal meeting
And had we all had to sign
The minutes/paper work and when
It came around the circle
To me you said oh you can
Just scribble. Why single me out?
No socks with skirt.
That was about the
Only kick up bum I needed.
I don't think she likes me.
You confided to ...
But I think we clashed
I attempted to make small talk
And felt a bit foolish.
There wasn't much
Places left in canteen
And you didn't even
Greet me with a simple
Hello, how's you today.
When I moved in with
Friends you said
Make sure you eat.
I guess you were
More of an introverted
Personality even though
I deplore turning to psychology.
Must dash...

GSOH. Good sense of humour.
Let her believe it's Murphys law.
Favouritism not religion.
Too much of xxx. I will correct you.
Well that's APT. Trigger happy little dot.