I just don't know how to fix this anymore.

No, don't worry. I'm probably psychotic again. I have severe schizophrenia for years now and now I'm known as The Loony (thank you, 'friends'...).

Let's see if I can type a bit 'coherent' and explain this a bit...

Anyway, I've been on so many AP's for years and always ended up with Haldol or Abilify and nothing worked. Had to go to the psych ward 44 (!) times right now in just 4 years and they just don't know what to do. I've had about 5 'second opinions' and they were all very clear that I 'am just severely schizophrenic'.... So it feels like running out of options.

My psychotic mind even thought it was a good idea to smoke cannabis once a day with high CBD and low THC to make the hallucinations less severe... but now I smoke at least 7 times a day and then I smoke higher THC (22%) and almost no CBD...
More because right now I'm like: Okay, you can't help me, I don't know what to do. I'll just try to smoke myself so psychotic right now that you have to lock me up somewhere!

That's why I hate my brain.

I quit both my AP's 2 months before smoking. My psych doesn't even know... He never checks my medication or so.

I know this sounds 'crazy' but I can't stay in this paranoia apartment! My neighbors hate me. There's like a whole conspiracy going on. All because a 'friend' came over and we listened some music since 2 months... And now we're the insane creeps or so. I'm just paranoid. Every sound makes me jump out of my bed and grab a claw hammer. I need to get out of here. Locked ward at least.

I don't think I'm quite 'sane' at the moment (?) and accidentally stabbed my stomach with a karambit knife. Now I can't eat but hopefully I'll lose at least 20 kg... I don't care... All I do is drinking water until I see bones but that's probably another mental thingy going on. I don't care.

Anyway: anyone feeling the same kind of stuff?

Sorry, typing is hard right now. My fingers are all stiff and numb and I need sleep I guess. But I really need to go to a psych ward at least. I sound crazy, sorry. 'But I probably am?'

Ugh...

'loony'... or so

Oh and if you have any questions or anything, I'll try to answer them.
Or you can ignore this like 99%...

It’s sounds like you need medical attention both for your stomach and your psychosis.....please see a doctor as soon as possible.....

I agree that you need medical attention, and I hope that you will go and get some help, if you haven't already.

But I also think that seeing a therapist might be useful to help you explore why you are sabotaging yourself in this way at this moment.

Wishing you all the best

*Willow*

Thank you all!

They 'won't help me' anymore, they said.
Now I don't have to help myself either.
I'll just neglect myself and everything and I hope no one ever finds me (alive).

I'm sick of it...

I'm done.
Thanks anyways.