Love Letter to my Demon (Trigger Warning)(Descriptions)

I am writing this after drinking too much caffeine and need something to direct this anxious, teetering energy towards. I took my medicine too early last night and I can already see the effects. The lines and edges of objects are vibrating, sharp images seem soft and misshapen, and images on the walls are slowly zooming in and out. Oh what a woeful existence it is to either live in delusions and fear, or to take your medicine and feel nothing at all. I am very thankful to be able to take my medicine at night, and not during the day. When I don't take my medicine a lot of things happen. One of those things happens to be a demon who I have given no other name than Demon. She appeared to me during a night terror and has been apart of my life since. Now it is not a true delusion as I know she does not exist, but the feeling of her presence is something I cannot deny. It feels as if someone was actually standing there behind you. You cannot see them and have no evidence they even exist, yet that strange presence remains. This is the Demon in my life, the all-consuming presence that never really leaves. She is beautiful is a horrific, twisted way. With her burnt skin, featureless face, and intertwining horns on top of her abomination of a head. I wonder often what part of me could this Demon represent. My fears? My anxiety? Or is it just a awful nightmare that I once had that I can now not get out of my head. She lives in the ticking of the clock, the right side space behind my head just beyond my vision. She lives in the songs I sing and the nights I cry. I am sure that she does not exist because if she did, she would of hurt me by now, evil thing she is. As I write this, I feel better about the current situation I am now in because I am reminded of how lucky I am to be able to realize what is real and what is a delusion, or hallucination. Hope this was okay to write, just had some thoughts I needed to get out of my head. Hope your day is going well, mine is going actually pretty well considering. Have a great day. Thanks for reading.

I'm sorry! That sounds frightening.

I'm glad you feel comforted by writing here.

I saw an actual demon. I can describe it if its not a trigger.

I'd love to hear about it but I'm afraid it would be a trigger. I believe in demons and I have to constantly remind myself that mine is a construct of my mind and not an actual demon. I'm afraid that if I hear your description about the demon, it might throw off my very lightly held belief that mine is not real. Sorry Also to complain a little, it's really been a hard time being in college and having a job while all this goes on. Yet we all do it and manage so that is something to celebrate!

Since I battle voices. I wonder how it would be for them to actually manifest. I don't know if I would be fearful or releived to see what has been torturing me for 4 years straight now. But heh it's what we deal with.

You write well. This really paints a picture, as they say, of what it must be like.

I can especially relate to what you said about how "she lives in the ticking of the clock". I find something very threatening and malevolent about a clock ticking and I don't know why

I have seen Demons several times, and also met the Devil once, about 6 months ago. That was truly awful. I've had in mind to create an art piece of what the Devil looked like, but I feel that it would be too upsetting to do any time soon. Also, I'm not that artistic, and so I don't think that I could truly encapsulate such a horrific and petrifying experience in a mere 2D painting.

All the best

*Willow*

Thank you for the compliment Willow! I understand what you are saying about how hard it would be to accurately demonstrate the experience on a painting. It would capture the visuals to an extent yes, but often with these kinds of things, the feelings associated with the thing itself are often more powerful than the visual alone!