[PuffinMuffins]

I know obviously not one here can diagnosed, but I'm just looking for some kind of understanding.

I'm basically growing increasingly disorganized and paranoid. I've always been the hyper vigilant type of person who insists on having no one or as few people as possible walking behind me etc. But it's gotten increasingly bizarre.

And I've always been a closed-off type of person who isn't comfortable letting people in or showing emotions, but that's gotten sort of darker as well and feels like it's tying into my hyper vigilance.

I've also always been a pretty scatter-brained person, the type who gets distracted mid sentence and can never seem to focus on a task long enough to finish it before I feel the urge to start another task, but that's gotten more obvious as well.

I increasingly struggle for words even mid sentence. I'm forgetting the names for common objects and even the names of close friends and long term pets. I occasionally "wake up" after being zoned in on a task and I have no idea what's been going on or how long I've been at it. Friends are starting to check on me because I went to do something and just never came back.

My need to appear as though I'm "always fine" and to not "let people in" is no longer just because I need control over myself, in the back of my mind I have this abstract fear of letting people in my head. Like if I show any part of my actual self, I'm allowing other people to get into my mind and read my thoughts and influence them. Sometimes when I'm speaking and forget what I'm talking about, I have this fleeting suspicion that whomever I'm talking to has caused some kind of interference or interrupted my thoughts, like that's a sign that they're burrowing into my mind.

There are times i look at people i know well and honestly don't know who they are for a second. Sometimes I recognize them, but feel like there's something "off" about them as if they're an imposter someone has put in place of my loved one to trick me somehow.

I've always occasionally thought I heard a phone ring, felt my phone vibrate, of heard totally unintelligible whispers in the next room, but now my first thought when this happens is "that's 'them'".

Now I've looked up these symptoms and I know they have pretty serious implications. But if I were developing a psychotic disorder, why do I have this much insight into these feelings? Would I be able to acknowledge that these feelings are bizarre? Right now for the most part, these are fleeting feelings I can dismiss, but I'm able to dismiss them less and less easily, and I'm also now emotionally reacting to the thoughts and can't shake those emotional responses. It's an eerie, looming feeling of constantly being watched, monitored and perhaps bugged.

Recently i got "stuck" in these feelings and they took over. I was sitting with my best friend and his brother, whom I'd only met a few days prior. I looked over at both of them, and in much fuller thoughts instead of an abstract feeling, thought "who are these people? They look like the people I know but they're not. This looks like my house, but it's a facade. Why have I been brought here with these imposters and who is doing this? Don't move. Don't speak. Don't let whomever is doing this know you're on to them, you don't know their intentions or how deep this goes." All the while i saw dark shadows without a source in the corners of the room, which was my "proof" that there was something off about this whole situation.

Im able to recognize that that was a total lapse in rational thought, but just cannot shake the feeling. I'm suspicious of friends and am pushing them away. I recently really upset a close friend with my behavior, and while the rational part of me feels awful about it, the other part is thinking "that's what they want, to manipulate you and make you feel guilty and like you're the one who's crazy, don't buy it and don't let them in."

I never in 100 years thought it would happen to me, but my grandfather whom I've never met had paranoid schizophrenia.
I am terrified to talk to a psychiatrist due to the fear of "letting people in my head". I don't know what to do. Does this sound like something that'll get worse and that I really need to address?

[Sometimes psychotic]

It mostly sounds like hypervigelance to me...the phone thing happens to everyone, whispers from the next room not as much though. I can tell you though my voices aren’t muffled at all they are clear as day.

If you are worried at all, the best thing to do is see a psychiatrist...that way they can monitor you to see if it gets worse. While you have insight now, that can be rapidly lost as symptoms become more severe.