Roll Call 142!

Theres just something about the smell of something cooking/burning soothes my senses...

...food, fireplace, incense, candle, sage, etc

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I noticed theres quite a few mixed black people here in this town. You dont see them often but when u see someone black, like my age or younger, they are mixed. Makes me happy!

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I live in a town any redneck would be proud to call home. I think out of the 10k people in my town, there are maybe a dozen black families. If that...seriously. My daughter has 3 black kids in her school. When I went to school all the way up to high school with 1 black girl and she moved within a year.
I am lucky enough to have some color married into and adopted into my family . I’m so grateful because I worry so much about my kids growing up thinking white is the norm. Kwim?

Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety

God I'm making connections still today, connections I was making 6 years ago.

I love pen1s and ballz

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Are you under greater stress than usual? Having more trouble sleeping?
I really hope this passes soon.

Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety

I see my psychologist Monday after work. I'm going to make him a list of my thoughts for our Monday meeting. It's been so long since I've seen him, I have a lot to tell him unfortunately. My sleepiong has improved though. I really need a 2 hour meeting to be honest. I do have a rather large stress that I need to learn to see clearer.

I was filling up the closets with stuff that the housekeepers need at work. I make sure that they never go empty. Not once have I let them go empty. So I sit here with nothing to do but occupy my own mind for the benefit of myself.

Then my coworker goes and fills up the closets with extra stuff that isnt needed and makes me look bad. My goal is to make SENSE. I don't care if I look bad.

What pisses me off about the world more than anything is those women sweeping spotless pavement in North Korea because if they don't, they'll get no food or be killed or something. That's why I'm not sweeping spotless hallways. But my boss tells me to sweep anyways. I won't do it. I'd rather benefit my mind and occupy it with non-agitated mental states.

I seem to make the most ethical and logical sense out of most people. People question the dimensions I live in with anger. For me, it's the same to them, but with less anger.

There's a book called "******** jobs" that I want to read. It's about how technology made it so people have to do less work than say in the 80's but people still have to pretend that they are busy. That annoys the hell out of me.

Is there something wrong with my thinking? I mean, when there's something to do, I always work my hardest and I've been a really good worker for all the jobs that I've been in. Just at my welding job, I wasnt allowed to weld and had to clean a spotless shop. I've been doing that in the mechanics shop since I was 16 and had enough of that so I quit because I had to start again in a new shop.

I only do things that make sense..

I hope you are able to talk it out.
I’m not big on talking to real people but I need a venting place so I’m here lol.
It really does help to talk it out (or type in my case).
Good luck!

Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety

There is someone watching me. Idk who. Monitoring my every move. Maybe they're here. Idk.

it was the same with my dad.... diagnosed new years day 1997 died April 30 1997

sorry you're feeling bad

I make notes to talk about in therapy cause sometimes I go there n just freeze up and say nothing and feel dumb

As much as I have crazy ideas about the afterlife, the DMT realm, mixing a bunch of religions together, buddhism, perception on reality with other dimensions and universes and black holes...

I find not having an afterlife to be liberating. Like this is the only life. My life is pretty good. I have down days (Many) but if there is nothing when I die, there wouldn't even be blackness. It would be like being another person that doesn't exist. Yet I'm still conscious.

So still being a pantheist (Something I can't shake off because of psychedelics making me see more than atheist), I can sleep for a while.. then decide to be a God or something.. But it's like I have to make a choice.. atheist or pantheist.. I like to think of myself as an atheist but in life, being a pantheist is fun because I get to think about ideas outside of the possibility and only now has it been integrating with science with the introduction of psychedelics and ideas about consciousness.. Something that the government has tried to stop..

I find comfort in my death and I think that brings down a lot of my anxiety about my heart stopping. But the only thing is that if I die, I will leave my family behind which would make me sad - even if I didn't exist. Because all that would exist is sadness of my past self..

I know I think about death a lot and that's kinda why I'm a little depress..

Whoa...look at me! It’s 11:45 and I’m still up. I’m an animal
Angelique...any chance you can get Netflix? I found a series “I Am A Murderer”. Fascinating stuff from both sides.

Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety

I can't calm down and feel scared of all these coincidences. It's like a coincidence screams at me in the face "I am targeting you" but I know it's not real. Although my perception is without reassurance. I miss my old psychologist. He understood. My new therapist doesn't get it.

My old psychologist/psych nurse was really really good at dealing with schizophrenia specifically.

I don't know when I'm depressed or not anymore because the smallest thing can change my thinking and it goes down in a complete spiral of thoughts that I can't control. I'm not in control. I feel like it's my responsibility to stay sane.

It's like this specific time, I'm a completely different person that everyone hates. I didn't have this problem before. I feel like I'm in a waking nightmare. Everything I say is tainted with evil. I think I might be a completely evil person that would burn the whole world to the ground given to the chance for my own pleasure. I know that's not true. Maybe I'm just intelligent and see both sides of how one can be good or evil and talking about evil makes me think I am evil when in reality, I'm trying to point it out.

I get my injection on wednesday.

I shut out everyone in my life that wanted to help me.

I miss the life that I always complained about. It was better than this.

I want to make my own articles. I have some ideas in mind.

There could be someone controlling my actions. And I'm the only person that exists. But I prefer to think of it as a simulation created by aliens than a God. God has connotations of love involved.

This isn't love. This is madness.

But I'm feeling better now anyways. Imma go to sleep. Wake up and the sun will be shining. It will be absolutely beautiful!

Edit: Oh God I'm a scientologist now? lol I'm done. *Throws hands in the air* Donnnnne

a tall pine tree snapped at the trunk and fell on our house. we are okay!!