[Ipod1]

Someone please help me or tell me you've been here and came through this. I literally feel nothing like my old self. Don't think the same, have the same emotions, don't feel the same, have crazy thoughts, random thoughts. I really think I've lost myself for good. I do have a psychiatrist and a t that I talk to. But I don't think they get it when I tell them all of this. They say it's anxiety OCD and depression but I've had all that since I was 16, now I'm 22 and I'm in the age range for schizophrenia and I was so scared of that for the past two months and now I feel like I'm there. Idk why but im just not normal anymore. I just want my life back. It's got to the point where I don't care what I have. I just want it to happen, get better or get worse so it can be treated as soon as possible. I'm so tired of all of this I can't deal with it much anymore. I feel like I'm just hanging on by a thread and I'm just gonna snap. I hope someone has felt this before. Help!

[RunningEagleRuns]

Originally Posted by Ipod1

Someone please help me or tell me you've been here and came through this. I literally feel nothing like my old self. Don't think the same, have the same emotions, don't feel the same, have crazy thoughts, random thoughts. I really think I've lost myself for good. I do have a psychiatrist and a t that I talk to. But I don't think they get it when I tell them all of this. They say it's anxiety OCD and depression but I've had all that since I was 16, now I'm 22 and I'm in the age range for schizophrenia and I was so scared of that for the past two months and now I feel like I'm there. Idk why but im just not normal anymore. I just want my life back. It's got to the point where I don't care what I have. I just want it to happen, get better or get worse so it can be treated as soon as possible. I'm so tired of all of this I can't deal with it much anymore. I feel like I'm just hanging on by a thread and I'm just gonna snap. I hope someone has felt this before. Help!

All i can say is good luck.

[Ipod1]

Yeah thanks buddy. Real encouraging.

[Gr3tta]

Yea that's scary. Sometimes I've wished I would get better, and sometimes I've wished I would get really worse. Force something to happen one way or another. Maybe that's kinda like what you mean? Sometimes I feel this way for quite awhile, but sometimes it goes away if I get the anxiety under control. If you know you have anxiety issues already, that could be the driving force behind the feelings.

[Ipod1]

Yeah I can't just see it all being anxiety related. It's so terrible whatever is going on. I'm not hearing voices or having delusions. I have delusion like thinking with my ocd but I can distinguish that they aren't true or real for the most part. I've had some odd thoughts lately that I either question or I just freak myself out because I have them. I just don't wanna lose my life. I don't wanna lose my friends, my goals, or my girlfriend. I just want me back.

[Ipod1]

What does it feel like dissociating if I might ask?

[Gr3tta]

Do you feel like the odd thoughts aren't yours? Or like someone else is controlling them? Sometimes I've thought that.
Dissociating, if I'm not aware of what the alter is doing, feels like leaving entirely. Sometimes I black out, or sometimes I feel like I've gone away to another place, sometimes a magical place or a real place. We have really good co-consciousness a lot of the time now, which sometimes means I feel like I've just stepped back, like standing behind someone and listening in. Sometimes though it's like being behind two way glass. Like I can see and hear everything but not do anything about it, even if I strongly disagree with what I see me doing. That can be really scary.
btw, this might get moved to the Dissociative Disorders forum because of your question, but don't feel bad if it does. Sometimes different things overlap and they just try to fit it where it goes best.

[Ipod1]

To answer your question no I don't think they're being placed there by someone else. Some of the thoughts I've had the past hour. I stop at the pool hall almost every day before I go to work because it's right down the street. While I was playing by myself I was thinking I better say goodbye to these guys right now before I "snap" and I'm not able to associate with them anymore. Then started to thing about doing the same with all my friends and my girlfriend and I are on a break until after the new year so I was thinking well what If I'm just completely gone by the time she comes back. This all is just getting the best of me. Idk what to do. I don't go back to the psychiatrist till the 30th and I'm just freaking out. I take my Xanax but that's not helping much. I'm not sure if it's just cause I'm so overwhelmed or not. I need to make a journal and take to him.

[Ipod1]

It's thoughts like this I can't seem to shake.

[RunningEagleRuns]

No problem man. =]

[Ipod1]

Sarcasm...

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Your t's could possibly be right in the anxiety part. When something scares you (the schizophrenia) it can cause you to start to imagine that thing is happening to you. Much like during an anxiety attack. You feel your heart race, your breathing gets heavier and you start to think you're going to have a heart attack or asthma attack even though you're young and have never had one before. But your mind tells you that you are having one because it's well an anxiety attack that's what happens.

Then if you look into anxiety even more there is a disorder just for people who are afraid of going crazy. You get to wrapped up in the fear of going crazy that it causes minor symptoms mimmicing your fear.

Can you tell me why you believe you may be schizophrenic? Has a doctor ever suggested it? You say it's been a fear of yours for months, this is why I'm suggesting it could be anxiety. What brought about the fear can you remember?

Schizophrenia doesn't really follow the same lines as OCD depression or anxiety so I'm just wondering what other symptoms make you guess that it's schizophrenia?

It could be the depression why you feel different and because you feel different it is causing you to panic about changing into something you fear.

I wouldn't throw the dissociative word at you at all at the moment. There are many reasons non dissociative related that could cause you to feel like you were someone else. Your psych team should be able to help you with all of these questions just don't be afraid to ask questions, ANY questions you have. If you have a trusting good relationship with your t I would suggest listening to him, what he seems to be saying doesn't sound too far off

[Ipod1]

The reason that I started fearing it was because of how I started feeling seemingly overnight. At first I started thinking I was bipolar and when I figured out I wasn't I started obsessing over schizophrenia. I'm not sure how but I just started looking up how I felt and I couldn't really come up with anything so of course I imagined the worst. I began questioning every thought I had and have ever had every choice I made and everything. To answer your question none of the docs I've seen have came remotely close to saying that I am I always ask them if I'm developing it and they say no not at all. Some of my symptoms.
-songs get stuck in my head constantly, this started a couple months ago.
-I feel so disconnected. Not sure if it's depersonalization or what.
-I get such random thoughts al the time that don't really make since like I wouldn't say they're disorganized but definitely different.
-I'm almost emotionless. Not feeling happy when I should, or sad. Numb.
-I'm so depressed because of the way that I feel.
-strange delusion like thoughts. But I've always had these I just never really gave them the time of day. Also hard to explain. I don't think anyone is out to get me, I just question a lot about reality I guess. Which I read is common with OCD but why all of the sudden in the past few months.
-I feel as if I'm just going through the motions. Just doing what I think I'm supposed to be doing to try and feel normal again.
-completely disconnected from everything even when I go out and do things I used to I just kinda feel out of it.
-random images and thoughts in my head.
-it's so hard to explain all of this. I'm dealing with a lot of stressors in my life right now and I just feel like its broken me down and now I'll never be the same.
-I'm so fearful that I'll never be the same and all of these thought just race through my head all day.
I'm sure I'm forgetting some, this is just a few off the top of my head. I just feel like I lost myself completely.

[Ipod1]

Sorry I've never been the best at describing things either. I just hope it gets better.

[Ipod1]

Another thing to add is I'll have random thoughts and I'm not even sure why they bother me. They just don't make sense. I've felt like the past few months have just been a blur to me.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Those all sound like they would worry me as well. Remember though that stress alone can cause nearly all of those symptoms and you say you are under a lot of stress. Aknowledging some may be due to stress is also in no way devalidating the feelings. Stress is a real b**** (excuse my language, I NEVER cuss but I'm not happy with stress atm lol) and can cause a lot of serious issues. I've fainted and stopped breathing, I've had a stress related grand mal seizure, I've been to the hospital on a few occassions because the stress started to effect my physical body. It can do serious things to you.

But these symptoms can also be the sign of mental disorders as you have said. I don't know much about OCD. The doctors have said I have "mild OCD" because I do obsess over certain things and have certain rituals that I have to do but this behavior is caused by past abuse and it was a way for me to feel safe as a child through these obsessions and rituals.

But the dissociation I was diagnosed about 11 years with that. At the time they didn't call it dissociation but that term came later. Look into dissociation some. I'm no doctor but it doesn't sound like DID so I would stay away from that topic unless a t or pdoc suggests otherwise. DID with its use in the media and it's strange ability makes it pretty scary to a lot of people and it truly does not sound like DID. But there are other forms less intense where you do kind of float away. Perhaps look into those a little and if one sounds like it fits, print out the symptoms and bring it to your t for a suggestion. But anxiety can cause others to dissociate, "normal" people. You don't have to have a disorder to dissociate because everyone does it to a degree. But the way it sounds, the fact that it's effecting your life, maybe look into it and see if one sounds more like you because it sounds more like you're dissociating than you are dilusional.

Many people have thoughts, ideas, questions about life and meaning. It's when those thoughts take over your life, when those thoughts become your life and you start to believe irrational things and start to change your life because of these thoughts when it becomes dilusional in my experience. I have these thoughts about 60% of the day the other 40% I'm sleeping or trying to just not think at all, my mind needs a break. They are scary, they are beautiful, they are beyond my years and comprehension and they are sad sometimes but they are just thoughts. We can think anything we want it's when we do things with those thoughts, things that change our life in a negative way that's when they become dangerous thoughts.

I still wouldn't suggest dissociation but you do seem to be experiencing those symptoms, but it's common for those under stress to feel like they are in a fog of sorts and being pulled away. It's the minds way of taking a break when things get overwhelming. Again these are just my opinions though, maybe bring up dissociation with your t's instead of schizophrenia? Even if it's not a dissociative disorder it doesn't mean the temporary dissociation can't be helped. There are tools you can learn to get you back to feeling connected.

[Ipod1]

I'm just trying to move on. I'm starting a new medicine and if it doesn't work I'll try another. I honestly think its something else I just don't know what.

[Gr3tta]

Hi Ipod1! How are you? I hope you are feeling better. I just wanted to add that intrusive thoughts can be a part of generalized anxiety order, so I agree with PurpleFlyingMonkeys that anxiety could be the root cause. Doesn't make it any easier though, I am sure!
I hope you will be feeling better soon. Remember when you're starting new meds that they are unlikely to work right away, most have to build up in your system for awhile first. Thank you for sharing with us!

[Ipod1]

Hi, I do get intrusive thoughts. But I also just get random weird thoughts that really dont make much since. Kinda hard to explain.

[lahtazan]

Originally Posted by Ipod1

Someone please help me or tell me you've been here and came through this. I literally feel nothing like my old self. Don't think the same, have the same emotions, don't feel the same, have crazy thoughts, random thoughts. I really think I've lost myself for good. I do have a psychiatrist and a t that I talk to. But I don't think they get it when I tell them all of this. They say it's anxiety OCD and depression but I've had all that since I was 16, now I'm 22 and I'm in the age range for schizophrenia and I was so scared of that for the past two months and now I feel like I'm there. Idk why but im just not normal anymore. I just want my life back. It's got to the point where I don't care what I have. I just want it to happen, get better or get worse so it can be treated as soon as possible. I'm so tired of all of this I can't deal with it much anymore. I feel like I'm just hanging on by a thread and I'm just gonna snap. I hope someone has felt this before. Help!

Youre mind is deceiving you, stay focused have goals, carry on with your life... I went through something similar its scarred me - I only went through it for a few hours, I literally thought I was about to lose my mind, I could hear voices and stuff - I thought I was not going to wake up the next morning. read the following article, the next day I searched and searched for similar experiences. this helped me so much ..

in Google type in calm and crazy, going crazy and loosing my mind