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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 06:17 AM
  #1
I had some packaged delivered to my home, on Monday. But I was sorting garbage when the postman came. So I wasn't able to immediately receive it. So the online shopping website, the post office, and I have confirmed that a package came on that day.

But when I went to get the package, I couldn't find it. I asked mom about it and she said no package arrived on that day. She was acting strange though.

She's been having money issue. she's also been offended by parcels coming into the house from other roommates, complaining that they have enough money for those parcels yet don't pay her enough for rent.

Even a month or so ago, my brother called the cops on her because he was missing a package but she was not communicating with him. My brother has access to the cameras outside her house.

Also, she's very discriminatory towards me. Some people mistreat me because of my mental illness, gender, sexuality, religion, hair, skin color, race, age, economy, or height; and she's one of them.

I wouldn't be surprised if she was withholding parcels to spite us or maybe even reselling the parcels for money. Her son, my half-brother, did the same.

But I'm not going to confront her about it. I'd rather not argue with her, as that's not a good combination with my schizophrenia. Instead, I'm going to have a duplicate package delivered and held at the post office. I'm going to pay for the package with next month's rent money and tell her that the government shutdown has affected my next month's unearned income.
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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 06:25 AM
  #2
Sorry about your mom. I think you are doing the right thing by not confronting her.

It also seems that you are losing pay because of the government shutdown. I'm really sorry for you and everyone else affected by it. Our government is ridiculous right now and is hurting a lot of people.
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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 01:26 PM
  #3
I cleaned up today. I might get some groceries too. It's good for me to get nutrient dense foods, so that I get the most from food stamp.

I feel that one of my needs is communication. If I had better communications, then maybe my health would be a bit better. getting a therapist is expensive though. For now, I just communicate online. But if communication is truly my need, then maybe I should examine what exactly meets that need.

how much communication do I need? who do I need the communication from? what form does the communication need to be in? the more I'm able to understand this need, the better control I'll have with this need and my life.

communication might seem like a small issue now, but I feel it will have a greater effect on me later and in the future. I've had many psych wards visits in the past, and I feel at least one was due to my inability to meet my communication needs with this mental illness. I wonder if communication comes in many forms, even in the form of information. I will dedicate some daily time into understanding this need; similar to the time I dedicated to understanding my other 3 needs, food, shelter, and security.
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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 05:02 PM
  #4
I feel a bit insecure about going back to exercising again. I lose calories when I exercise and so I feel that I eat more food on days that I exercise. But my food budget has been rough lately.

Exercise has been easier and more important on random days that my mom would give me food. At first I didn't want her food because it made my diet unpredictable. But I've learned to adapt and use it to my advantage. Now that my mom isn't cooking so much anymore, I need to be a bit more careful with my exercise.

I might have to re-plan my exercise such that I'm exercising on days that I have surplus food. But that seems rather random and not routine. Instead I might try to spread out my exercise more evenly throughout the week. In this way, I might adapt to daily exercise and calorie-loss, and both will be at a minimum.
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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 06:53 PM
  #5
I took a 35-mnute walk, to and fro the library. I plan to walk for 37 minutes on 4 days, strengthen my muscles on 2 days, and study exercise on 1 day of each week. Exercise is very important for my heart health and fitness. Until I start making money, diet and exercise are my only health insurance.
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Trig Feb 09, 2019 at 01:03 PM
  #6
I think I need some more rest. I think mom woke me up early today. I'll get groceries later.


I feel that I could somewhat meet my communication needs by just talking with street people. I live in the city and when I go outside, I do meet people sitting on the street and such. I don't know. I should study more into my communication needs. I feel that my communication needs affect my social health and social anxiety.

Possible trigger:


My communication needs probably share some association with my financial health. I believe that money usually comes from people. So there might be a social aspect with finances. But if I don't exercise communication, my poor social health could lessen my ability to earn money.

Communication needs probably share an association with my food, shelter, and security needs. I live in a dense city where people are usually the suppliers of safe food. I also live in a city where renting is very common and shelter is usually rented from landowners. I also need security from social attackers who target people of race, skin color, religion, mental illness, sexuality, gender, economy, age, and more; where social security (from other social groups like cops, lawyers, and community leaders) is one of the most comprehensive defense. Poor social health, from lack of exercising communication, can make it more difficult for me to meet these other needs.

So my communication needs seem quite important in relation to my other needs, my financial health, and my intimate health. But just like my food needs and shelter needs, my communication needs should be met in an efficient and healthy way. when i buy food from the store, I aim for nutrient dense foods that will make me live longer and save me money. when I consider my shelter needs, I make sure the host is safe and that the house is safe from infectious pets, lead paint, poor insulation and other costly hazards. I've been in situations where I've communicated with individuals who made me feel worse and more self-harmful than before our conversation started; and this is why I've always wanted to talk with a therapist.
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Default Feb 10, 2019 at 02:21 AM
  #7
I did like completely nothing on Saturday. well i did get groceries and then cooked some beans and pasta. then I had to wash dishes with my hands, as I don't know what mom did with the sponge. when I say I did completely nothing, I guess I mean poetry-wise.


speaking of poetry, I was going to read some book at the library about valentines day. but like all the books were about ladies with cowboys or muscular men, which made me lose interest. Weird. It's like me writing a book about a lady with a big chest: I wouldn't do that. Very weird.

but at least I looked into my social health and communication needs. I might analyze those things again, today. I feel they are both important, because I feel my health worsens when I ignore them. Like sometimes I have an urge to communicate with random women online, but that urge might just be a side effect of my lack of communication with people in general.
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Trig Feb 11, 2019 at 06:50 PM
  #8
today, mom woke me up to complain about something. she also threatened to evict me again. I only had 6 hours of sleep because of the loud music she was playing the other night. And her eviction threat, though it has little weight as always, still made me nervous an unable to sleep.
Possible trigger:


I feel that my poor social health might've been the issue. My mom is one of my only social connections, and she discriminates against me. It's not healthy for me to be around her, and today has proven that somewhat. I might feel better if I have other healthy social connections, or connections that don't prey on me.

I will talk with a therapist. I think a therapist would be a good healthy social connection. Therapists are expensive so he'll be a temporary hire. And he'll hopefully help me find friends and stuff.

I'm also thinking of joining a book club maybe. Joining groups will help me find others to communicate with. The communication would hopefully improve my social health.

At first, I thought that I could meet my communication needs online, but (1) not many people communicate with me online, (2) online communication hasn't been too healthy for me and sometimes made me feel more self-harmful, and (3) the value of online communication feels weaker as the distance from my recipients increase.

I would feel more secure when communicating with friends in my town rather than friends of another country, because the former makes me feel that there are more friendly people within my town; just like how my mom's discrimination makes me feel that other local people are discriminant.
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Default Feb 12, 2019 at 10:05 AM
  #9
I might also just try talking to homeless persons on the streets. It's a bit tougher because of winter though. I can probably talk to some in a homeless shelter.
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Default Feb 12, 2019 at 12:16 PM
  #10
well I was trying to find a therapist for communication and mental health. my search did not go so well.

there seems to be a lot of resources designated for children and families, but not for men like me. If I had money, this probably wouldn't be an issue. My city tends to give social services on either a needs or supply basis. Either I would have to be in a crisis or there would need to be available therapists to help me. Regardless I feel the strong implication that women and children are usually given priority in these situations.

I'm still going to try to get a therapist though. I might research into therapy to pinpoint the exact therapy that'll help me. I get money for my mental illness, and using that money, to improve my mental health through therapy, is a wise investment. The end goal would be for me to find and communicate with an accepting local community without therapy.
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Default Feb 12, 2019 at 02:10 PM
  #11
I was cutting a raw beet when half of it accidentally fell on the floor. A good 1.50$ wasted, as I can't safely eat food that's been on the floor, especially since eating raw beet itself makes me feel very uncomfortable already.
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Default Feb 12, 2019 at 02:26 PM
  #12
Other than therapy, I have plans on finding homeless persons to meet and talk with. I'm thinking of visiting parks of poor neighborhoods. Finding homeless persons outside during winter might be challenging though. Then I had another idea: I can probably find homeless persons by going to food banks, pantries, and soup kitchens. This is because I think food is a universal human need and some homeless persons, who can't afford food, might visit those places to meet that need.

I might read more about homelessness where I live, to get a better understanding and identification of the local homeless community. I also can't assume that homeless persons would accept my communication and vice versa, though I've been homeless before and did meet some friendly homeless persons.
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Default Feb 12, 2019 at 06:55 PM
  #13
As for finding a therapist, sometimes there are community health centers that have therapists that you can see for a very low fee, like $30 a year or something like that. Also some therapists will do pro-bono work. It doesn't hurt to ask. Kit

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Default Feb 12, 2019 at 06:56 PM
  #14
Also I think a book club is a good idea. Kit

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Default Feb 12, 2019 at 06:56 PM
  #15
If you volunteer someplace, like the YMCA, you would have people to talk to. That could help social things. Kit

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Default Feb 12, 2019 at 11:51 PM
  #16
thanks SlumberKitty. I might try the book club idea.


According to some online directory, my local therapists are expensive, near 100$ per session; but i might be able to afford one session per month. I would've preferred weekly sessions, but I will take what I can get. With homicidal thoughts, I have to handle my mental health a bit more seriously.

I can try volunteering and other things that might indirectly get me social, though nobody's obligated to communicate with me. I need to be wary of the communities I choose to communicate within, as being rejected from communities negatively affects my health.
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Default Feb 13, 2019 at 12:14 AM
  #17
i ate a lot of cookies tonight. not good for my health, especially since the caffeine might keep me up past midnight and interrupt my sleep hygiene.
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Default Feb 13, 2019 at 07:15 AM
  #18
i watch gameplay of video games for entertainment, since I can't really afford video games. i was watching some gameplay of kingdom hearts 358/2 days and there was some dialogue about females. it was stupid dialogue really, which is expected from a children's video game. i've been cautious about gender difference now. I've been trying to treat women as I treat men, which has been a great method of improving my social health.

i mean, I do write romance. But even though I write romance in a gender-oriented fashion, I've realized that romance isn't really gender-oriented where I live. And gender doesn't necessarily reveal much about a person to me. Even though local communities might treat people differently based on gender, that doesn't mean that I should, as it could be considered gender discrimination and sexual harassment.
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Default Feb 13, 2019 at 09:09 AM
  #19
The cost of hiring a therapist is expensive, so I might postpone that idea if I can find a way to improve my health by meeting my communication needs.

perhaps I can find some way to pay people to communicate with me, outside of hiring a therapist. I've come to an understanding that I might need to pay to meet my communication needs, in the same way that people are expected to pay for food, shelter, and security. I live in one of the most populated cities in my country, but that doesn't necessarily mean that communication is free, even because some people shun others and discriminate like my mom does; though I can probably still use the large population to my advantage.

I was thinking of organizing a group, but that seems rather expensive, even because I'd have to pay for promotion also.

I've been thinking of communicating with homeless persons because they are the least legally endangering individuals to communicate with. I can't get into much legal trouble for trying to talk to them, even because sometimes they aren't within anyone's property (as they sometimes stay at a park.)

I have another idea where I can hire someone to do a service for me, but also get some communication as they perform the service. For instance, since I like literature, I could hire some English Language Arts tutor and slowly transition his academic service into a communication service.
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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 02:43 PM
  #20
I'm thinking of finding or creating a local mental peer group. When creating one, I'm going to promote it for free, online, through social media websites and group websites. I'm going to use general search terms to find websites where groups are being promoted for free.
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