Roll Call 144

wakey wakey eggs and baccy

Im torn up

Bf is always mad at me these days. And it leaves me fighting back at him. He says everything was great when we moved here for the first few months. Saying that i paid half of the bills, took care of the apt, etc. now apparently i dont anymore.

Which isnt true partially

The first few months we didnt have a lot of bills. Our electric has gone up. We added streaming tv. We added a mattress payment. We added the apple watch payment. (My mistake on that. Im stupid)

I cleaned yes a lot in the beginning. It was easy. Barely anything was dirty when we first moved. Now we have a new dog. The pet hair is everywhere. Etc we cant afford certain things.

Then i got severely depressed for 2 months. I stopped cleaning or even taking care of myself. Hes angry at me for it. Saying he has to do everything himself. And then it makes ME angry. Cuz i was depressed as hell and he just yelled at me for it the whole 2 months. “Why arent u doing this/that?” “Im sick of coming home to this shythole”. Now im depressed again.

Im gonna do better but i fckin hate being berated and critisized!!!

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Have you tried talking to him about it? Maybe tried to understand his pov and he yours.

Yes. We did last night. He told me things were different in the beginning of moving here and now they are not the same. I agreed with him. I told him tho to give me more chances cuz i was very depressed for 2 months.

Its interesting because i told him things are the same anymore with how hes been treating me. Like with the berating and stuff. He just rolled his eyes.

I really wish hed goto couples counseling with me.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

yeah, i agree... you two need couples counseling... any idea why he is not up to it?

He says for one that hes not gonna pay for it. And i dont think he wants me to pay for it either cuz the expense. Plus i think he thinks its stupid.

It just really sucks. We have so much to talk about and its just he doesnt wanna sit down and talk about it. It hurts me so much. I have to beg him to talk to me a lot and he huffs and puffs about laying down on the bed and talking.

It really hurts me.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Hope things improve for you two Newtus, I know you have been working hard, you took a big step moving out on your own. I know it was difficult for me when I first did, especially while trying to manage mental illness

Fell back to sleep for another couple hours. Feels great to be getting sleep again

i say if he's not willing to put an effort in helping the relationship then what's the point of moving in together? In exchange for helping out more maybe he can agree to try couples counseling?

I am not schizophrenic. I am weak. I live in a cell of a life. I'm stopping my injection. The army guys on tinychat told me to kill myself and that they are schizophrenic and can deal with it and I'm worth nothing because I take the injection. They say I have no emotions and it's like talking to a wall because of the xanax and the invega injection. They say I'm attractive and need to **** women and have children to take care of me when I'm old and be a real man and that I'm liberal and it's bad to be a hippy and America is the greatest country on earth and will take over the world. That I'm a sad individual and I'm being brainwashed by doctors and psychiatrists and I'm a victim of the medical system and need to be sober and do push ups when ever someone tells me to and that I can't do meaningless work which I have to and have to be bullied by higher authorities in society to make it up the economic ladder and that I should join the army and it will knock some sense into me and everyone has psychosis.

I fully believe this even though I don't. But I have to believe it because we talked for 3 hours and they helped me more than anyone ever has.

I'm going to flush my xanax and be sober. I will go to the gym and go on hikes and that I'm a zombie. Apparently it's important to have a girlfriend to hold and bla bla bla

I will live life without mental illness because everyone has mental illness of some sort. I'm stopping my seroquel.

This will be my last post on here because mental health is all I seem to know and obsess about and I need to unplug. But I have two perspectives and I'm brainwashed in both ways. I don't know what to do. I feel bad because everyone expect expectations from me so I should just work and get off disability and eventually kill myself because that's how the world works. That's how the fittest survive.

My mental health has never been this bad and it's only going to get worse. I should be in the hospital but I don't care because the hospital is for weak people I'm told and I want to live a good life. Screw my empathy it gets me no where i might as well do coke and throw my life away.

I want to figure out everything in the world, How can people be brainwashed and i dont have the balls to tell them that. I did but they just laugh, But they gave me the best advice ever that i should stop the injection. I’m going to quit my school course.. i can't go to school with mental illness i want to give up i want to kill myself. But then i would leave my family behind. And I know this is all nonsense and i need to relax but ****kkkkk. I don't make sense. Nothing makes sense i must have disorganized schizophrenia and that was created by the government and the government is something deeper of course but society is peopel arguing with each other and i can't stand it why can't people find peace i need to meditate. And no one can help me because i can't explain myself. sorry cant keep up. I ****ing HATE soldiers now. **** them. They are flesh vehicles brainwashed by the government and secret societies.

Hes put in some effort but i feel like not his full self. I think he feels like if hes working and paying most of the bills that should be enough. But its not enough for me. Idk what he thinks idk. Which hurts me.

I will ty asking him again.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

sounds like this guy is a troll... you don't seriously believe that do you? You've been working so hard. Don't throw it all away. you can do it tweaky. I have faith in you. you come so far. Don't give up... don't throw your life away because some douche bag on the internet said so. you don't need a girlfriend to be happy. you need a support system to help you through this troublesome times. isolating yourself is only going to make it worse. please don't. If you're feeling suicidal please consider a suicide hotline, call your therapist, or going to a hospital if you feel like it's that bad.

well ask him again until he says yes. he'll come around once you agreed to help out more around the apartment. Do you have a therapist? if so maybe you can ask him to come into therapy with you.

I agree with Erti, Tweaky. That sounds like a troll, they're all over the internet. You're not weak in any way, you've been through so much and work so hard. Please stick around here. The hospital isn't for weak people, seek help, you deserve to be happy

I dont want to berate him into saying yes.

and i do have a therapist but i dont think i can have him come in. The state workforce is paying for my therapy and prob wont pay for that.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Ask your therapist about it. tell them about issues at home. maybe they have a better suggestion.

It's snowing, looks like a blizzard outside

so close to spring yet so far away D:

Spring is a far away dream...lol. It looks like the snow cone machine broke here above the city lol It's a slushy mess here

yeah... it's cold as **** in this house and my mom is wanting me to turn off the heat. ffffuuuuu