Roll Call 145

I guess that's true... i lost so many friends over and over again. I'm scared of getting hurt again.

My childhood friend deleted me from facebook cuz I was in a bad state. I cared at first but now I don't care at all. He wasn't a real friend for not staying with me through my bad times. But it was also part of the reason try to be clean from drugs. Because I come with self destructive tendencies. People can walk away if they want. I would walk away from someone that is self destructive and wouldn't be their friend in the first place but I will always try to help current friends and stay through it with them. But I help other addicts that I don't even know. I'm just talking about other self destructive things like pulling me into their mess except if they're family members.

What's in my head is some pretty messed up stuff. Things I can't even think of right now. Right now for you, they are intrusive probably in your head and you're thinking about them too much. Take a deep breath, breathe out.. Think happy thoughts! No jk.. that doesn't help..

That childhood friend took thousands of his parents money and spent it on weed and couldn't pay them back so w/e

I want to stay awake cuz I be hypomanic but I should take the seroquel and sleep or else panic attack

I've been self destructive but never have i done anything like drugs or alcohol to help with the pain... however i did self harm and was suicidal. It didn't help when friends would bail out on me. i was talking to Ross about it last night... I plan on telling my therapist about it... sexual self harm and self harm in general. I've not done it in a long time but it's hard when you hear spirits tell I struggle with this because I use to do it since i was 11 years old... in different types of ways. again self destructive behavior... I'm struggling right now with the spirits but at least i'm not where i use to be.

Try your best to not let yourself be where you used to be. You've come a long way and you're not damaged. You're growing and have strength.

My little sister said to never wish bad on anyone. I said I hope my step dad lives a bad life for the rest of his life. She said she hopes him well.

I don't get her. How can she have everything figured out at 16? What did she smoke?

Well she smokes weed sometimes w/e

Thanks man... i feel damaged and weak. i can't help thinking that...

I cant sleep

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
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sometimes 16 year old's think they have figured life out. She has not lived life yet... she don't know ****.

me neither... i slept a good 2 hours and been up ever since. :/

Well you're not damaged and weak. You have to know that you're a survivor. I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I would never ask because I knew it was that bad just by the subtle ways you explain by how much pain you're in from things like that.

Are you seeing a therapist soon? Does he/she know about your trauma?

PTSD can give flashbacks and the whole bit. One second you can be fine and then all of a sudden the traumatic thoughts pop up in your head and you obsess about them. I know this from my own obsessive thoughts and that's just the way the brain works. We can't think of everything at the same time. It revolves around in circles. Some bits get left out forever, or can pop up 5 years later. That's why we memorize things in school by thinking about things over and over again to reconnect neurons in the brain to form memory.

But you have bad stuff in your long term memory that you'll never forget. You have to come to terms with it, try to distract, be spiritual and overcome, know that you're beautiful, intelligent (All the good things - replace the good with the bad). There's negative people and there's positive people. There's no telling which had trauma or not. The negative person could have had it good. My mom was and she's very positive.

I'm still learning about these things. We all are and we will learn for the rest of our lives. There's no such thing as literal demons because there's no proof.. when there is proof, they're for a reason like a statue or something or a movie, otherwise it's called a hallucination if one person saw it. If many people see demons at the same time, they better take a picture otherwise that means it's still a coincidence hallucination..

You both can't sleep. But tweaky can sleep whenever he wants and has a good 15 hours pending and counting. 12 hours a day for real or I have to make up for it.

23andme: You NEED 8 hours sleep. Other people need less.
Me: Ik but I need 1/3 more than that..

thanks this means a lot. I wish it would erase from my memory. I wish it'll just go away but it never will... i've dealt with it for so long. I told my therapist i didn't want to work on my trauma right now because it's a trigger for me and i want to work on other stuff like seeing demons and spirits and gods and goddess and children who have It scares me... i think they're real. I don't think they're from ptsd or schizophrenia or both... i do have ptsd and have flashbacks and bad dreams. I know my triggers yet i trigger myself anyways. but when i'm triggered or thinking about the abuse i don't see the spirits and stuff so it can't be from ptsd... my mom says i'm gifted and tells me I just don't know how to deal with the spirits and stuff.

In the western world people deal with those visions and thoughts differently than in the east.. In India the psychiatrist tells the person to see a type of shaman or spiritual healer..

It makes me question what is real. But you have to know if what isn't real is interfering with your functioning in the type of society you live in. That's the main thing.. or your physical health.. or anyone else's.. same with death or anyone else's.

In reality, every decision we make kills millions of people a year.. if you think about it that way.. but you have to think of it in r-e-a-l-i-t-y.. whatever that is.. maybe the government and secret societies created reality for us and they're screwing around having secret spirit parties.

But we must ignore it for our own sanity.

Just walked to the store, its 5 in the morning so it's still dark out. There was some guy wandering around screaming, I walked really fast back to my apartment.. I probably shouldn't go out when it's still pitch dark out

He wants a crack dollar.

I can walk around here at night it's very safe.. except for animals like bears...

I've been ignoring it. I know self harm is a bad thing but deep down in my brain i'm feel like i need to do it... it'll calm them down and stop it all... i want to stop it all. i'm gods gift for the dead. I need to appease the spirits... hermes tells me I can fly... in the sky and see my uncle and nan because they're waiting for me up in the afterlife. they are at peace though... i want to see them. i want to see them again... I have life now but when death comes i'll get to see them again. i'm going to hell when i die but if i can fly into the heavens i can see them again one last time before i die and go to hell.

I'm not a professional but that sounds very concerning. If you're going to do anything to harm yourself, you need to go to the hospital. I would.

It's like that in Saratoga where my brother lives, all nature, mountains etc. Not the city I live in though, it's pretty rough in certain parts. I think almost everytime I leave the house and am downtown I come across some person yelling while walking down the street and cussing randomly or something along those lines

I don't want the hospital... i really don't. they'll just put me on another med that'll make me gain massive weight and send me on my way. last time i was there they gave me attitude. i was having panic attacks and couldn't breath from the stiffness the haldol would make me and they'd wouldn't give me benadryl and that's what helped me when i went to the hospital the day before my birthday because it was night time and would make me sleep. they tried to force it on me... i told them no after they forced me to take it. my pdoc asked if i wanted to get back on the haldol knowing very well it gave me tardive dyskinesia. does she get money from them if they put me on them? I don't want haldol... I don't even know if i want clozapine... it's something they haven't suggested even though they know very well i've tried most antipsychotics. i think it's real and i'm treatment resistant because i'm not going through psychosis.