Roll Call 145

Thanks ofthevalley!

I’m sorry to hear that I hope he’s okay and yeah sometimes a push is necessary...

I got a pell grant for school but i still had to take out a loan. Sucks.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

spirits are wanting to see blood.

I want to go to sleep. 2 and a half hours and I can take my meds and go to bed

Saw my doctor. I was honest. Told him about my obsessive thoughts I was having. Was honest. I told him I was embarrassed but glad I didn’t do anything crazy. He says it sounds like I was kind of delusional with it.

I also opened up more. I admitted I’ve been giving into eating disorder thoughts. I’m trying to get better.

Most of all I opened up about my OCD patterns. Intrusive thoughts, rituals. He says that it does sound like I have OCD. But there’s not much by way of treatment options with being psychotic and bipolar. He was going to mention it to the psychiatrist though see what she says. Might mix up my meds. Don’t know yet we’ll see. It doesn’t hugely impede my life. It’s not too out of control.

But for now he was worried about my obsessive thinking. Delusional and tied into OCD as well probably.

He upped my seroquel to 150mg. Said if I get too sleepy on it to lower it back to 100mg. If I get obsessive and that again to come back sooner than a month.

So hopefully I don’t have to cave and come back sooner than a month. I need a ride there so it’s embarrassing to have to explain why I would need an extra appointment. I’m not 100% honest with everyone.

I slept in and missed an assignment. Lost marks on my course. I think it was because of the seroquel because I felt good last night. I don't know what is making me so tired. My mom and dad tried to wake me up but I got mad at them.

Took my injection today. I told the pharmacist to call my psychiatrist about me being so tired because my therapist won't contact my psychiatrist because I wanted to lower my injection.

The drunk soldiers are still stuck in my head like how I'm obsessive about my heart.

I talked with my dad last night at the bar about things that happened in the past. I believe my schizophrenia is purely environmental and not genetic.. although I'll see what my 23andme says in a few weeks..

A person who thinks too much and obsessively, has nothing to think about except thoughts, so, he loses touch with reality.. and lives in a world of illusions..

What is reality? Reality is.. *Chinese gong sound*

Ahh my poor kid.
He went riding and then stopped at the school to play basketball. Apparently a couple drunk guys pulled up and ****ing RAN OVER his bike. Then tried taking off. Of course being an invincible 16 yr old he chased them and the cops happened by and saw. Police chase ensued...2 drunks under arrest. But my kids still out a bike.
This isn’t your average bike either. It’s semi custom and my son machined most of his own parts. It’s like upwards of a grand to replace.
****ing sucks. Poor kid . He literally rides every single day.

Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety

My sister lost a 3 grand bike when a car just turned left into her....luckily she was ok but when she told cops how much the bike was worth they just laughed. People are aholes about bikes.

Omg...he was ON the bike and jumped off just as they hit.
**** my kid could have been killed.

Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety

Yikes! Glad she wasn’t hurt.
Yeah like we told my son if the guy has insurance he might get $$ back but don’t count on it.
People are assholes anyway

Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety

Spend your days full of emptiness
Spend your years full of loneliness
Wasting love, in a desperate caress
Rolling shadows of nights

That was the song my step dad always played in the truck.



The soldiers said good things. They are fighting for people like me. A zombie with a bunk bed and I sleep on the bottom.

Nothing makes sense. It's all in my world. My world is pictures of the past, emptiness, loneliness. Not caring about me but wanting to make me a killing machine for the government.

What's wrong with me? Everything that has happened. Everything that I let happen. I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't talk to anyone in high school because I was too ****ed up and depressed at what has happened.

Now I try to piece myself together again. The soldiers don't understand that it can't happen overnight.

Omg I feel so depressed. I went to sleep again. I don't want to do anything. It's going to get dark.

How do I get rid of this depression immediately? Ketamine? It's killing me. But what? I have to feel it? What will I learn from being sad when I can't do the things I want? Demons..

This feeling is so painful

I want to cry

I wonder if being admitted to the hospital will help

But I can get help here where I live I guess. Because I don't want to give up so easily. I'm in a good place. But I'm scared of things that are happening. I have no confidence in my words or myself.

I'm fine. I just don't know what to do currently and I'm scared.

I could meditate. Something.. I just don't like to be put down.. because I get sucked into it like I'm being helped. The only people that want to lift me up have either been where I am or they want something from me.

Good morning

good morning to you
good morning to you
good morning goood morning
good morning to you

Morning. Got up at midnight. Waited around until 1:30 and woke my hubby up to open my meds. Took a pill and fell asleep on the couch a couple hours. Thank god I have the day off so I can go back to sleep. I’m exhausted and in a good deal of pain. It’s nerve pain from her messing with it. Shoots up my arm. Another hour and a half and I can dose myself up and sleep again.
Other than that I have nothing to do. Don’t even plan on getting dressed

Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety

I’m gonna have to take a rain check on all that gang ****, I can’t find my heelys.