Roll Call: 146

I took my meds. I almost didn’t. Part of me thinks they’re poisoning me. I can’t shake this. Driving me insane if it’s not one crazy thought or problem it’s another.

Yesss.. Reality is an orb of energy.. created by nothing (You, me - God).. that is why this is our first life.. but very unlikely.. as memory is all we are... who we are.. reincarnation.. for all that exists is one person.. but in "reality", we must come together and know others exist.. which are hallucinations.. together only once.. for the past, present and future are all the same.. trauma can define a person.. fear is trauma.. delusions are hard to get rid of except when the antipsychotic lowers the dopamine.. lack of dopamine makes us do many things and multitask and have sex.. antipsychotics increase prolactin which is released naturally after an orgasm to not want sex.. too much dopamine = negative symptoms of schizophrenia and relaxation.. So many colours of what is good in the world outweigh all the murder, rape, violence and feeling stuck in the box of society.. people naturally build new civilizations since the beginning of time (Such as in the Roman empire) (Screw this society, really..) But America is a good place.. Opportunity compared to China for example.. although China will be the new middle class while millennials struggle living in flat apartments on top of eachother... very small.. no retirement.. So they do LSD.. The psychedelic revolution.. they find out that there is something greater than this box.. Greater than what antipsychotics do to the schizophrenics.. because we are healers.. frequency to other realities.. beautiful realities.. we will go to a place.. a place where my grandfather went before he died.. He's watching me.. wondering how and why I do the things I do.. Everyone has someone watching someone..

A dose of nonsense is good for roll call... Because I try to heal people in that way.. because nothing in the world makes sense to anyone.. so many problems people have.. mostly relationship problems.. they are trapped thinking about what to on their days off after work.. which is basically slavery if they don't have money.. then they want to buy shiny things (But that's not the point)..

People are exhausted by life more than I thought they are. I thought I was the only one.. but people can live decades longer than me.. while I think I'll die before 30... but I barely know anything at this age.. I want to write a book when I'm around 50 and write many songs before then.. something out of expression? Is this what I'm doing? Expressing? Is it therapeutic? I think so.. So I apologize because I don't even like my thoughts.. Sometimes I see the problems I have and I just want to do something.. something good.. But I always feel bad about what I do.. Life is short.. people in my life will leave and die.. Shame.. Silent to become the stars we once were in the galaxy.. but far away, the dying flames of our souls where we can do anything that we want..

So don't give up. Please. So many people including me wanted to literally inflict death upon self..

And that means something, nonsense or not.

I put something on Facebook that a philosopher found interesting. I must be doing something right..

Sometimes I don't feel like taking any of my meds and just laying there.. In a hole somewhere..

I know you're exhausted too. I can feel it.

I'm freaking out I got like 40% on my course so far (Excluding the april 10th and april 17th assignments) and the extra 30% is essays that I have to do like right now. I'll get up in the morning and study but then I go to work at 2pm-10pm. Then next morning I'll study and go to work again at 2pm-10pm, then I'll study all day Saturday and Monday april 8th until 5pm Monday to hand in a proper essay. Then I have to do questions on readings by april 10th and hand in another essay on april 15th then do an assignment that I couldn't do because I didn't have the course book by april 17th. Then on April 23rd I have to submit two of my corrected essays.

This is going to be super stressful for me I'll need lots of cigarettes and I'm not sure if I can do it.

I'm not sure if my cognition is that good

Edit: I think I can do this..

I still can't like any posts.

I'm hoping I'm well again, without stomach flu. Woke up at 1:30am and was itching like crazy. Took 50mg Benadryl and it cleared up some. It's time for more Benadryl now.

I just liked yours...was my first try. That’s weird that yours isn’t working.
I hope you are feeling better

Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety

Working on a drawing of the Pokémon Weezing



Next step is shading

Almost got bitten by a dog (a different one) on my walk today. The dog got ahold of my pants but luckily not my leg. I'm going to have to start doing something else. Problem is the walking park doesn't open until dawn and sometimes I need to walk when it's dark to make it in time for work. I'm going to have to figure something out. HUGS Kit.

I think my therapist was annoyed with me last session and I was annoyed with her. But I think I am starting to be more open to what she was saying, more ready to hear it. I wasn't ready to hear it then. I wonder what changed? Hugs Kit

Yes, I think Tapatalk updated yesterday with a bug or two. At least I can still post.

Oh, y'know Tapatalk is trying to introduce their "kin" feature which no one understands - maybe they mean for it to replace "likes". When I asked them if they'd please show who liked a post they told me they won't do that anymore.

It could be because Pc switched to a mobile version with thumbs up and hearts?

They are still the same functions... just different logos. I don’t see why that would make a difference but yes maybe something in the sites code has changed and tapatalk hasn’t caught up?

Hey all,

I’ve been quiet a bit lately. Things are overall pretty good.

Making som progress on the alcohol front. Nothing major yet but steps in the right direction with cutting back.

My sleep is all over the place though... I only slept 2 hours last night.

The CMHN thinks it’s something to keep an eye on with my voices being a bit more persistent the last week or so. As always I’m sure it’ll come to nothing but it’s not a good cycle I’m stuck in.

Hopefully I’ll sleep well tonight. I’d be shocked if not... might actually go to bed soon.

Anyway... hope everyone is okay.

Hm, I don't know... I didn't know that.

It's snowing here, in April

took my meds way early. Hope I can stay up until 10 or so and then wake up at 7-8 the next day

I failed to take Vyvanse at 6am and wake up at 7am this morning. Instead I took a vyvanse at noon and woke up at 1pm. That was time for studying wasted.

Hopefully I can study at work when my coworkers leave but I'll be paranoid that I shouldn't be doing that. I'm supposed to just sit around and answer radio calls when I'm finished my work and this is my second last day of work anyways.

Then I'll be unemployed for a while and will study for the next 3 weeks. I'm going to see what other courses I can take for next semester. I might take two courses instead of one and just not work. I get 1685 a month and pay 700 for rent, 150 for my condo fee and 120 for my phone bill so my mom withdraws 1000 from my account every month. I save 685 dollars a month without work instead of the extra 800 from working two days a week. 150-200 dollars I'll pay for adderall so I'll have like 500 dollars to live off of if I don't work. I'll quit smoking because I smoke like half a pack a day and that's expensive. I'm waiting for my tobacco flavoured e-juice for my vape. I might just buy the 50mg e-juices so I can take a few hits and the craving is gone and be done with it. Cheaper than buying 50 dollar 150mg nicotine spray bottles that I use up in less than a week. That's like 200-300 dollars a month which is a waste. That's slightly more expensive than smoking cigarettes.

I'll have to pay like 1000 dollars for my next courses though which is money that I saved up.

I think things are going ok in that regard. I'll be stressed out as hell soon but I can take the stress without going psychotic as long as I take my injection and seroquel and have benzos for rare panic attacks.

So it's good.. these are the things I'm thinking about right now.. the stuff that's on my mind.. which seems really bland but I'm comfortable.. just surviving..