Never Diagnosed - My Experience Part 1 - Forums at Psych Central



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Old 05-08-2019, 12:23 PM #1
Snizzmung Snizzmung is offline
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Lightbulb Never Diagnosed - My Experience Part 1

Hi there, my name is Nathan and I'd like to share a bit about my experience.

Keep in mind that I have never been for a prolonged psychiatric hospital stay, only just a temporary one when I crashed my car drunk a year and a half ago. I recognized immediately that the only people being released were the ones praying and pretending like they were happy. (more on that later)

Being outside of the psychiatric system this whole time has enabled me to see things in a somewhat different light than those of us who have had the misfortune (or fortune, depending on how you look at it) of being told how you must think about your condition. Anyways, on to my crazy story.

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A little over 3 years ago I was sitting in my car smoking meth amphetamine and watching pornography when I started to hear the first voices. They sounded like voices coming from the yard next to where I was parked, so I didn't bother too much with them. As I progressively got worse, stopped conversing with people in real life, and continued to do drugs and watch pornography, the voices became louder and a strong delusion began to present itself.

I was led to believe that there was an elite group of hackers that wanted to put me through some tests to see if I could join their hacker group. Being on drugs 24 hours of the day and sometimes staying up 5 nights in a row, for whatever reason in my warped mind at the time, I thought this was actually a good idea, cause I mean damn who doesn't want to be a part of an elite hacker group, right? In hindsight it seems incredibly silly considering I didn't know the first thing about computer security or programming, as all I have is some 4 credits from a failed computer science degree.

Anyways, I went along with this delusion for several weeks, messing about with my computer and trying to follow a series of tasks, which always ended up with me confused and completely insane. At one point I was disassembling my laptop computer piece by piece looking for a rogue audio recording device attached to the motherboard, (which I found btw just to add to the craziness). While this delusion was going on, I wasn't even concerned with the fact that I was hearing these voices, I was convinced that they were elite hackers so they must have some way of communicating through my devices.

Next thing that happened was the voices started to make it clear that they weren't happy that I wasn't able to prove to them that I had hacking skill, so I started to have anxiety over it. I started to think thoughts that they would try and kill me because I couldn't prove to them that I could hack and that they were extremely mad at me for wasting their time. Once I started to feel this fear, the voices began to prey upon it.

This seems to be a common theme among others I speak to that have the same condition, they are fearful and the voices prey upon their fears.

The voices started telling me things like if I couldn't show them that I could hack that they would have to clean up the situation, and dispose of me. This is when I started feeling like I was being stalked by a gang, weird black cars would pull up in front of my mothers house where I was staying, and people full of tattoos would routinely get out of the car, poke around, and then get back into the car and drive away at high speeds. Weird stuff.

This went on for several weeks time until I had this like breaking point delusion. I somehow got it into my head that because I was 30 that maybe I was Jesus. Maybe that is why all of this seemingly mystical stuff was happening around me (voices, random objects appearing, moving, etc). This delusion drove me completely out of my mind, and I started believing that my own mother was the devil because her tongue was moving around all crazy and she started to say weird things to me like prophecies about when Jesus would come back, but not in her voice but this deep evil sounding voice.

This seemed so completely out of character for her because 1- She is a chaplain, and she knows full well that the bible teaches that no one knows the second coming of Jesus but the Father, so her saying these things to me seemed like she was not herself. It got to the point where I was running around my house with a knife and didn't have any clue as to what was going on.

-----

That's it for part one, writing this out is actually kind of therapeutic :P

I'll be posting more parts as I go here.
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Old 05-09-2019, 08:45 AM #2
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Default Re: Never Diagnosed - My Experience Part 1

Thanks for sharing your story Nathan. Meth is one of the worst drugs someone with schizoid tendencies could use I read once. Look forward to reading the rest of your story.
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