Roll Call 148

I was going to move to Spain when I was a teenager but my dad didn't want to pay 10k a year for school. It was an American high school by the beach in front of a pool.

I could have had a good life.

I don't feel too good right now.

Sorry. I didn't know you were feeling that bad.

Try to rationalize the thoughts.

On my CBT paper it says "Catch it, Check it, Change it" and the last one is "Confidence".

In my opinion, demons are purely symbolic. A demon can mean anything. Unless they're like fictional demons like the one that Newtus drew yesterday then they're not real.

Why would they want your blood? But you in particular.. Many people "deserve" for the demons to see their blood.. Like bastards of the world that aren't good people at all.

I'm a demon towards those 100 or something people that own half of the worlds wealth. I want to see their blood. Or rapists. But I'd rather just have their heads and throw them in the fire. Blood isn't an appealing thing to me.

Broke...wanna die...

They're there. I see them. plotting their next move to either get my blood or posses me. They chose me because I can see them. I posses the power to see spirits and demons even gods/goddesses sometimes. I'm not human.

Some of my books, have a lot more elsewhere, really need to get a bookshelf

Hang in there..

I'm sure that I'll end up in your place one day. It's just a matter of when.

I think that looks pretty cool without a bookshelf

I remember I was in the hospital in the recovery independent unit and there was this old man that was sitting alone in one of the rooms and my best friend there said "What are you doing there all alone?" And he said "I'm not alone" and then she said "Oh yeah because you're always with spirits".

At the time, I found that to be ridiculous. Maybe it's because I haven't had many people in my life die that were close to me. But I've changed to where I experience it myself but not in such a strong way that you're describing.

I feel like I need to have less anhedonia and more emotion to feel spirits. You are human. Many people deal with the things you're dealing with but many people would call you "Possessed" which is just wrong and doesn't make any sense.

Many things don't make sense. But this is me talking to you in a schizophrenia and psychosis forum. Maybe I shouldn't glorify certain dimensions, realities and philosophy here with psychedelics but in the end, we're trying to make sense of it. We are suspicious and want to know the truth indefinitely.

There's even a philosopher here that deals with the same thing but is on medication..

I just find the whole thing strange. Not in a good way or bad way. Just neutral. I'm neutral about what you're dealing with but want to lean more towards the fact that the supernatural doesn't exist for your own safety because they're things that don't exist.

A rational person that is blind doesn't believe in light. He/she can't touch, smell, taste or feel light. People that are not blind don't have to believe in light because they can see it. You say you see demons and that must be scary but just know that we're here for you..

I don't want to be alone with these demons and spirits. I'm doing my best to ignore them. I have music blasting in my ears but it doesn't get rid of them completely. they're still there. they never stop. never ending... They're abusive... they're negative. they're my hell sent to earth. I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to do what they say. It is scary. I'm always alone with these bastards. I'm keeping myself occupied but I can only take so much. I'm glad you guys are here for me and I know you guys are trying to help me but I don't know if that's enough for me. I wish I can just easily talk about it out loud. everything is a mess. I am a mess.

Using Khan Academy to improve my math and learn some other stuff

Haven't felt this good in awhile

Yeah I feel like sometimes just posting my thoughts help. Just as long as one person sees it then I feel a bit better that I'm not alone with my thoughts.

6am. Sun has risen. Didn't sleep last night at all. Skipped it and the night went by fast. I was thinking of going for a hike this morning but I'll just walk down to the coffee shop instead.

Gonna take a Vyvanse and beta blocker with a coffee =] (How long I will live by doing this idk..)

I know the feeling.. That's why I try to respond to your post at any given opportunity because I know you need someone to talk to. Especially when things are bad.

Took a really long walk

Morning!
Slept terrible last night. I think I fell asleep somewhere around 3 am. I just couldn’t sleep. Really weird.
Not much going on today. Planting my garden and working for a bit.
Hope everyone has a good day.

Hmm.. My mom wants me to pull weeds out of the yard today. First I have to go to the doctor.. pick up my prescriptions.. go get a gym membership.. talk to my college counsellor about my courses.. buy hair gel.. buy toiletries.. then talk to people and drink coffee maybe (Although Idk if I should drink more coffee if I'm on vyvanse and stayed up all night)..

Then I might go for a run in the evening and after learn how to extract dmt from root bark for educational purposes if I'm not sleeping by then..

Going to get another cold brew coffee in a little while

Mmm...butter pecan iced coffee. My favorite.

Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety