Roll Call 149

My mom was talking about how I was too psychotic so I didn't know what I was doing when I was ordering hard drugs.

Is that true? Because I think drugs should be legal. If cigarettes were illegal, people would buy them on the black market and they would be laced with fentanyl. See the connection?

She told everyone like it was ok to talk about. She says kratom is worse than heroin because she saw it on the news. I believe that that is propaganda and she's anti-drug but drinks sooo much wine.

This reality really confuses me. No wonder I go psychotic.

I need friends in real life that understand me. I did have friends like that last summer but my mom fired all of them.

She really put a dent in my ability to function. Always having boyfriends and left me in the basement. I'm really ****ed up.

I'm just starting to be awakened. Like I was asleep all these years. I don't even remember my past. It's just a blur. I was having cam sex with people and doing drugs, writing psychotic messages in chat rooms, spending so much money on junk food, no friends because I didn't talk to anyone, skipping school tests, sleeping constantly and missing school, getting abused, controlled and manipulated by my step dad, neglected by my mom.

And my little sister turns out completely ok. I was the one that completely lost it.

It's like the past few months especially two years, I started to get better. The panic attacks were a product of the change in my mind. Now I don't know what to do. It's great that I got out of hell but I'm still damaged by what has happened.

Honestly I sometimes think the same, I read about this guy who got kicked off a depression site for promoting recovery.

Anyway just wanted to say, glad you’re doing well....

I'm not a dependent of my mom and how dare she say that. I should be able to do what I want. I'm not a kid. When I was, she didn't care. Didn't do a single thing for me. She was delusional and only thought of herself. She surrendered to my step dad and now she's a control freak again. Again..

I'm doing well but I post here because I consider people here my friends...

Same. I'm not like totally always ok but I am more directed towards recovery.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

It was difficult. She was concerned but she seemed comfortable waiting til Wednesday. I had to promise to go earlier if I need to tho.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

I just feel like everyone in the world is affected by the news and social media and all the stupid opinions about abortion, gays, unemployment, homelessness, like it's all the same same ****. It's all the same. I can't stand it anymore. Then people are like "I'm a white supremacist" like why??? They devote their life to it and all these personas that people put on trying to impress each other like tribal stuff. They only difference between the past and now is that there's technology. People want to limit speech and the people that don't want to limit big companies from limiting free speech and all the prisoners in China and the nuclear war that's going to happen, animal cruelty, "I'm a vegan" and make an identity about anything they want. It's all the same. I know the truth. I want to go to a reality where there's no paradox and I don't understand everything. It's like people are dead but still alive and not real and I'm the only one that is real and I'm God.

It makes me not want to live cuz I can't stand playing on the stage and doing meaningless shallow things where people put others down to make themselves feel better, talk behind each others backs. Everything is so dysfunctional and stupid. People paying attention to celebrities and vegetating. I can't stand it. And if I don't keep up to date with the madness, I'm not worth anything and I can't turn to complete nihilism because that's just boring I might as well just end my life because I don't see the point.

But it's all good. I suppose.

Going to hang out with my friend Stephen tomorrow, looking forward to it.

My therapist and I decided today that I'm not going back to school. My therapist thinks it's too big of a trigger for me and it's something I probably can't handle. They're probably right

College? Were u doing well in it or struggling? What was your major?

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

College.

Major was psychology.

I went back in 2016 for maybe half a semester but had a psychotic episode and then a medical withdrawal. Went again in 2017 (online classes) but didn't do well and really struggled.

Came home to a gift from my boss. Totally unexpected and out of the blue.
Grizzly Drifter 12 soft sided cooler. 🤷*♀️
A little odd...wondered if he’d added them to our product line but he didn’t.
Just a out of the box gift I guess 😊
Pretty cool!
It’s this one
Grizzly Drifter | Constructed for Adventure | Grizzly Coolers

Other than that just did the allergist with my daughter and worked a bit.
My son got his license today ❤️

Very nice valley!!! Congrats on your son!

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

What kind of contest?

Bobby looks so regal in that photo!

I worked on a 40ft and 32ft ladders the entire day, on steep hills and or with large rocks. So my day was rocky. The rest of the week will be easy except tomorrow's first half where I have to nail boards to a roof so that I can climb and paint a tricky spot. If im going to do all of this work I feel like I should make more money. because one slip and im dead. Also, no one else feels like it is there responsibility to do the hard stuff.

I hear you. I get depressed if im home and without anyone to talk with. I want to change it up so im going to try and play skyrim special edition from STEAM and do that for a couple months until I beat it. I recommend it! Oblivion was the game that came before Skyrim and I looooooved it. Do you have a game console or a PC? I think I remember a picture of your room with a pretty snazzy PC. If your looking for games for guys who love story driven games I have a ton of recommendations.

I recommend being a vegetarian. I some times slip up and eat meat, I have to think about where im going so not to fall in the trap of being somewhere without vegetarian options.

If you want to get really healthy you have to do an all plant based diet. But your a slim dude, but ethically vegan is the best route, I can't do it though. I like cheese and eggs too much, plus my whey protein powder that is dairy. If I go two days without a protein shake I start showing signs of akathasia for some reason im unaware of.