Roll Call 150

Is that the Vraylar? It took me a good while to get my insurance to approve it. And I've got to do the process over again next year ugh, at least that's how I think pre-authorization works.

Guys I feel inspired. You people are motivating me.

Yeah it's the Vraylar

I'm doing pretty great today. Over at my grandmothers.

Hung out with my brother and sister all day, watched some netflix, played some chess.

Might stay the night again tonight or might go back over to the apartment, not sure yet.

Vitamin D regulates serotonin.

I've been taking Vitamin D every day for like a year which could be why I'm less depressed than usual.

I closed that door pretty hard on myself due to this illness and with aid from my exgirlfriend. I had no clue she had that much hate in her heart. I remember when she said she wanted a break, and she teared up, and said she was afraid of losing her best friend. Then I show weakness in a 5 minute conversation 4 years later--while under psychosis--and she felt she had a license to screw me over. It was crazy. I helped her so much, and all she had to do was nothing. Ohwell, I think she fell into her own trap given how she positioned, cornered, herself against me. I guess we both lacked prudence. But honestly, I had the best excuse in the world for what I did, there is no better excuse than psychosis.

Anyway, teaching is why I write I suppose. I think I have pretty good taste, but my writing isn't up to my own taste, so I have to keep trying until I get to the level where im satisfied. I just wish writing didn't take me so long, and that I had more days to write. Honestly, one of my greatest fears is not making a meaningful difference in the world. After college, with no hope for graduate school, I had to figure out how I could still make a difference. I can't think of another way other than writing. :-/

I talked to my psychologist on Monday. Specifically I talked to him about dating. I don't feel any rush to date but it's been on my mind. Monday and sunday I actually had a dream I fell in love, then I woke up, but I still had the feeling. It's interesting that I can barely feel emotions while conscious, but when im dreaming I can feel all of those emotions. I wonder why that is...

You may not make much difference in the world but continue to help others in need. Continue writing your book no matter how time consuming it is. It will make a difference for someone in this world and that's what matters. Making a difference in at least one person's life.

My emotions are so intense when I'm dreaming..

P-s-y-c-h-e-d-e-l-i-c D-r-e-a-m-s.

sssswwwwwweeeeet eeeeemooottions

I think I'm gonna stay up all night and watch stuff on Netflix. Catch up on some series

You should try to sleep though. Sleep is good.

I've been awake for almost 5 hours. That's a long time. Time for a nap..

Before I go to sleep I will make a note to DT about anhedonia and schizophrenia/schizoaffective..

Note 1.3.2;

When you have a delusion, you believe 100% that something is true. Example; People can believe that someone close to them died which triggers a strong mental reaction like a drug.

Imagine.. Tying someone up and killing their whole family in front of him/her. But what if that was his/her hallucination? I believe anhedonia in schizophrenia is the brains protective strategy to stop people from feeling too much fake emotions from fake/non real delusions.

But that doesn't explain schizoaffective. Although you can still have emotions with schizophrenia.. it's just lack of pleasure.. so negative symptoms.. It's like schizoaffective is the true schizophrenia because delusions always must trigger some type of emotional reaction.. mood wise..

Idk what I'm talking about but you can see the idea... And no psychiatrists have come up with this idea of explanation... only Tweaky..

What series are you watching? I started Black Mirror but it's a bit triggering so far, just very dark.

Hey guys!
I am peopled out
Bestest was here like 10 hours yesterday, my aunt was here today for like 3, and I visited my guy’s wife and she held me hostage for 2 hours.
Omg I’m absolutely done!

Anyone else find peopling draining? It’s like I get overwhelmed by the stimuli or something. IDK. It’s truly wipes me out for days.

Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety

I get overwhelmed by stimuli pretty easily, especially when it comes to people.

Overstimulation is a common problem with sz and sza according to my therapist.

Just took 3mg of klonopin, 3x my normal dose hoping I'll feel something and it'll put me to sleep.

I'm just so resistant to the ****ing drug, I need to switch.

Yeah you're right, I ended up falling asleep for 4 hours

I'm sorry you're all not getting sleep @ everyone.. The past 3 days I slept 12 hours a night and a 2-3 hour nap every evening. I think it's cuz of the phenibut. It's like I'm benzoed.