Roll Call 151

Hi all,

Sorry it’s been so long. Guess I just needed a hiatus from PC. Happens sometimes.

I’ve just been busy and focusing on RL stuff quite a lot. Mostly just ups and downs of seeing someone and cutting down on alcohol. Both are going well. Shall be off alcohol in just over a week.

I suspect I won’t be around for a while longer. Not really sure when I’ll come back properly but shall try check in from time to time.

I have been thinking of you all even if I’ve not been around. Hope you are all well.

Finished winter scene

Perspective is a bit off but I'm still learning

Great that the alcohol and seeing someone are going well nice to see an update

Woke up at 7am from my alarm. Didn't get out of bed until 1pm. ****.

How are you doing?

Good. No weird thoughts. Just so unmotivated.

I might go for a walk cuz I have no idea what to do.

My emotions feel like me trying to sleep while someone is hammering nails into one of the walls of the room.

The interview went really well I think. I think they were slightly impressed but idk that's just my perspective.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Awesome news!😀😀😀

Well done for going Newtus and hope you get it!

Glad the interview went well @newtus

I accidentally dropped my lighter into my tea and now it won’t turn on. Maybe the universe is conspiring to make me stop smoking.

This is such great news!!!!!

Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety

I feel terrible.

I phoned my therapist and she didn't really help. She said to go to the gym tomorrow and on monday and then come in on wednesday. I told her that I'm lacking confidence and self esteem to go out and do anything and that I set the bar too high for myself. I said that I've been sleeping way too much. She said to set my alarm in the morning and I said I did that already. She said to get my mom to wake me up.

I feel literally depressed and don't want to be alive in a way where I just don't want to feel like this.

Just wondering but do you have agoraphobia at all? I developed it this year and basically became afraid to do anything.....it’s not just about leaving your house it’s apparently being afraid of fear itself.

Keep having really vivid dreams of nuclear fallout

I deal with this all the time, never have been dx'd with it as I don't go into detail about the extent of it with my therapist or doctor as it's embarrassing. It's hard for me to leave the house or do anything that gives me any anxiety. I have to force myself out and to do things and it's extremely difficult. Could take me weeks to build up the confidence to do something new or go to a new store for example. I'm working on it though.

I'm really afraid of going to places like social gatherings where there's a lot of people. Like what am I supposed to do? Walk up to someone and start a conversation? I don't get how people do that or even want to do that.

I'm afraid to go to coffee places because I don't know anyone. I have low confidence in myself and low self esteem so I'm not just going to talk to people. I have no stories to tell. I'm not interesting because I can't formulate my words and want to talk about really deep stuff. I'm an introvert.

I've isolated myself for so long and just stayed in the basement and the only time I did something was to go fishing with my ex step dad and I hated him. My set and setting is just cold and dark. That's my mind.

I can go to large shopping malls but last time that happened, some old man came over to me and started talking to me about God. I have an open mind and I just felt insulted that he would chose ME to talk about a cult with. I have my own mind and I'm not stupid. I wish people would just stop trying to help me when all they want to do is manipulate me. I can't get help from anyone else and only my therapist which she gets money for and is just a regular person that doesn't talk about the deep stuff that is wrong with my mind that I find people can talk about with me when they've smoked weed for 20 years and practically have gone insane. Other than that, I don't mind large crowds of people as long as they aren't judging me for being there alone. I can't go to places alone and I'm the one that wants to travel the world so Idk how I'm going to do that when I'm hiding in a shell.

I get delusions of grandeur often and it's the only thing that keeps me going. I'm too general with what I talk about but don't pay attention to detail just the big picture so I don't care what types of muffins or different types of chocolate that someone is going to buy. It seems to make them happy though.

So the delusions of grandeur is it anything practical you can achieve or is it off the wall stuff? For me motivation is hard to come by but I feel it with art, even though I’m just mediocre I feel like if I keep trying then I will be able to be great at it someday...

I didn’t realize what it was, I only knew my anxiety was changing somehow that I was having trouble driving especially any place new.