Roll Call 151

Me and my roommate made up. Everything is fine again, I hope at least.

I seriously don't want to be at work today. Nothing is going on that is bothering me. I'm just sleepy from the anti-anxiety meds, feeling fragile from the SH, and wanting to feel comforted. I just want to get under the blankets in my bed and zone out. But I'm trying to stay at work and be as productive as I can. I'm not expecting superwoman out of myself today. Just as much as Kit can do.

Went to my apartment for a few hours, it went well. Just trying to slowly get acclimated to living there.

I did get a bit paranoid though, just have to breathe deeply.

Hope work goes by quick for you Kit

Just forced myself to take a shower. Have been struggling with motivation lately

I might move in with my grandparents when my uncle moves out soon, just give up my apartment.

Worked 3 hours at my father in law’s house. It was no lie...86 in there. Got down to a cool 83 before I left after opening everything up. But I was productive. I emptied the entire first floor of all the clothes/jackets/shoes/outdoor gear. 12 big contractor garbage bags full of it!
Tomorrow IF it’s cooler I’ll tackle the upstairs. It’s like an oven up there so I didn’t even consider it today.
It was hard but I pushed through so that my husband didn’t have to do it. I know how emotional and mind ****ing it is to go through your parents stuff.

Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety

Good job! I need to shower too but my motivation is not there.

Got a nice, lovely, caring email from Former T today. I've emailed her but she hasn't emailed me since April, so it's been a while. She gave me some practical advice, like how to go to the hospital, not mention the battery thing, and get stitched up and out of there without getting a psych evaluation. She focused on my connection with current T and tried to strengthen that. Recently current T saw some terror in me and there's a lot I haven't told current T but she might be guessing at some of it, and Former T made that okay. It was a lovely email. It made me feel like a human, and cared for, and just, IDK, wonderful. But I feel wilted now, like I need to lay down and weep. I'm wrung out like a rag doll.

The nurse at PHP helped me take my meds just a little bit ago

And I promptly had a panic attack

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

So sorry about the panic attack @childofchaos831 HUGS Kit

I think I'm going to get the stuff to make slime. And also clay. Seems like fun projects

I'm happy today. I am relaxed and doing chores without any problems. Life is good.

Going to the food pantry tomorrow

It's so hot outside today. 85 degrees. Battling OCD thoughts and trauma. Being God. Might take an olanzepine. Or it could be autistic thoughts? Who knows. I trip. I cry. I laugh. It's all a joke. And I'm the joke because I take everything so seriously, battling my insignificant problems. Thoughts inserted into my head from the void. I want to be something great because I have a great mind. But I have depressive thoughts. Mental illness. I can't talk about basic things because I am too scared. I'm just saying what I honestly feel. Why me? Why you! I'm not alone! If I could just take it easy and let go. We all need to let go. Our egos are holding on. My heart.. Will it stop? Yes! When? Hopefully in a long time.. Or I could just dieee.. I could just ****in' dieeee.. Anyone could.. but just live. No matter how painful. Everything will pass. It always does. The storm passes, spring flowers appear. You can do anything you want.. Look at the world. Terrible things. But it's all a ball of art. Colourful with patterns. So many people are struggling. If they could just feel limitless and also relaxed, full of energy as we all are in the end and the beginning. The beginning is the end. There is no time. We are time. But it's ok. Everyone knows deep down about their beliefs. They matter nothing. I feel alone and sick of love. Spiralling down down down. Up up we go. Like a balloon. A hot air balloon. Imagine those? They're pretty cool. Life is amazing and terrifying. We have brains but don't have an operating system to use them. Same with our bodies. We put all this bad food into us. If only we had a manual. You understand me, reader. You are important. I want to pass my God likeness to you. You are powerful. Listen to the music, enjoy the scenery. What are we meant to do? We can't control this. We didn't ask for this. No one did. We were spawned out of the void. But you can make it a good place.

In all more seriousness, I'm ok. Just appreciating the lack of control I have over intrusive thoughts. Thoughts telling me that I'm not worth anything because I see that it's all a joke. Maybe people realize that and they just carry on acting. Everyone is just acting. Nothing really matters. Is that sociopathic to say? Idk. Idk anything.

Man das be heat stroke.

It's too hot outside. And inside.

I ate 3 yes THREE servings of salad. Almost everything was from my garden so it tasted awesome. This is the 2nd night in row I’ve eaten eaten like a literal cow.

I really want junk food though. So so bad. But I’m being good...as a whole my family needs to eat better. I’m the shopper and the cook...I model the behavior sooo gotta stop eating like a toddler left alone in a candy store. Ugh. I love junk.
Confession...so desperately needed chocolate last night I ate cocoa mix from the package...in bed so no one knew

I didn’t even log into work today. Fail.

I’m still feeling weird today. Like just out of touch. Not really related to mental illness just like life kicking the **** out of me.
Oh well...this too shall pass.

Schizoaffective, PTSD, Anxiety

I'm going to change my perspective.

Everyone else is God. You have all created me. You are all watching me. Not that I'm important. But what I experience is out of this world.

If I could just focus, wake up early in the morning and take my limitless pills and they actually work this time.

But maybe I'm bored and think too much into myself. Need to occupy my mind. But what has happened? Every bit of information scares me often. It's always me torturing myself with my thoughts. I don't want to be like this. Some people do it to themselves. I've seen mad people.

Just my negative symptoms are really bad.

Fresh salads are the best Cocoa mix is good too lol I'm trying to cut back on junk food too

I need to meditate. I will try to do that later today.