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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 05:49 PM
  #721
going to the food pantry tomorrow thankfully

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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:07 PM
  #722
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Originally Posted by newtus View Post
I just been thinking...

No one at my job really knows anything about me. Idk if that's good or bad. Part of me is really scared to open up, but part of me wants to be humble.

They dont know I have schizoaffective disorder. They talk to me all the time about people with schizophrenia they encounter on the job. They talk about them with amazement. Only my boss knows about it. And maybe HR. No one knows I write books and sell them. Etc so much more stuff.

Like I said I'm kinda scared to open up, but I also wanna be humble. I dont want to brag.
The guy I work for gossiped about me to his friend, told his friend my diagnosis, and the grief over why I go see a psychologist, and then the other day that guy gave me my tax documents, and was so stupid he gave me only 2 out of the 4 sheets. I had to confront my boss, and my boss denied it. I told him that "This isn't up for debate., your friend took the papers from your wife, ruffled through though them, and handed me half the documents I was suppose to get."

Next time I came to work his wife had depression on her face from me confronting him with just cause. He had no right to have my papers with my SS number on them. I hope that guy feels awkward about me from now on because if he ever tries to get in my business I'm going to make it weird for everybody in the room.

There was no hiding my illness from work, because it effects my sleep so much. But one day a worker tried to patch a stress crack that was 5 ft long with an oil based putty. I gave a sigh and it couldn't be fixed because it wouldn't be dry enough to apply stress crack tape. Anyways, she mentioned to the new employee that "he needs his meds". Then he said it to me, and then she told him to be quiet, because that blew her cover.

Things are fine now, but if youre under stress, or low on sleep, people will target your illness and gossip. I let my roommate go through my dating profile, and she wanted to write the name of my book in my dating profile so that they'd see I was an author, but, god, I can only imagine what a potential date would say when they stumble across my blog, where much of my writing is, and see I'm schizoaffective.

"Yeah, Stephen, you're so courageous for coming out as a schizoaffective!" said no potential date ever. My therapist said to tell a girlfriend after 4 years, no biggie. but if they want kids, I have to tell them. I could give my own child schizophrenia, and that worries the **** out of me. I don't know if I could live with that.
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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:11 PM
  #723
I got 30 minutes into a Sopranos episode as my roommate's brother, who I think now lives with us, ate a bag of chips with his mouth open. I had to leave the room and join my sz friends here.
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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:12 PM
  #724
I feel like writing a lot. Because I have a lot to say. My mind is like asjfkafjka bfjksjf fjaf jkfjfk....

I'm trying to organize my thoughts. They are scrambled. I have so many things to do. The phenibut stopped working. I hate xanax cuz it makes me feel numb.

I need to organize my notes. I have hundreds of notes that I need to read and organize.

I'm not eating and want to research more about fasting, meditation, spirituality, philosophy... Addiction is complicated. This is what people with my personality do. They torture themselves by sacrificing pleasure for future. But also sacrificing future for pleasure by failing.

All my thoughts are scrambled eggs and meaningless. I feel like I don't have enough time to learn. I have so many things to do. Investing, podcasts, trying to learn skills, reading books..

I'm overwhelmed because I can't relax. I put pressure on myself. I want to make connections with family. I have to get a job. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and a therapy and psychiatrist soon after and I don't know what to say. What do I say? I need to talk with someone for a few days for them to know what's really going on inside my head.
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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:12 PM
  #725
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Originally Posted by Day Tripper View Post
The guy I work for gossiped about me to his friend, told his friend my diagnosis, and the grief over why I go see a psychologist, and then the other day that guy gave me my tax documents, and was so stupid he gave me only 2 out of the 4 sheets. I had to confront my boss, and my boss denied it. I told him that "This isn't up for debate., your friend took the papers from your wife, ruffled through though them, and handed me half the documents I was suppose to get."


Next time I came to work his wife had depression on her face from me confronting him with just cause. He had no right to have my papers with my SS number on them. I hope that guy feels awkward about me from now on because if he ever tries to get in my business I'm going to make it weird for everybody in the room.


There was no hiding my illness from work, because it effects my sleep so much. But one day a worker tried to patch a stress crack that was 5 ft long with an oil based putty. I gave a sigh and it couldn't be fixed because it wouldn't be dry enough to apply stress crack tape. Anyways, she mentioned to the new employee that "he needs his meds". Then he said it to me, and then she told him to be quiet, because that blew her cover.


Things are fine now, but if youre under stress, or low on sleep, people will target your illness and gossip. I let my roommate go through my dating profile, and she wanted to write the name of my book in my dating profile so that they'd see I was an author, but, god, I can only imagine what a potential date would say when they stumble across my blog, where much of my writing is, and see I'm schizoaffective.


"Yeah, Stephen, you're so courageous for coming out as a schizoaffective!" said no potential date ever. My therapist said to tell a girlfriend after 4 years, no biggie. but if they want kids, I have to tell them. I could give my own child schizophrenia, and that worries the **** out of me. I don't know if I could live with that.
That's interesting. My fiance when we were dating said I was courageous. But not that word. I think he said brave. Idk, this was 2 years ago. I was so very worried what he would think of me mental illness, because he is very normal. He said only problem mentally hes had is ADHD. But here we are, engaged...

It's like I was telling desoxyn...I seem to be so lucky in life. And it kinda scares me, because good things just keep happening every year, better and better things, and I'm wondering if god is maybe setting me up for something worse down the line. Idk.

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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:19 PM
  #726
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That's interesting. My fiance when we were dating said I was courageous. But not that word. I think he said brave. Idk, this was 2 years ago. I was so very worried what he would think of me mental illness, because he is very normal. He said only problem mentally hes had is ADHD. But here we are, engaged...

It's like I was telling desoxyn...I seem to be so lucky in life. And it kinda scares me, because good things just keep happening every year, better and better things, and I'm wondering if god is maybe setting me up for something worse down the line. Idk.
Lol if there is a god then I assume that things will get much better for me down the line because I've been through so much hell.

But the rule of life is that the schizo is plagued with eternal severe hell
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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:19 PM
  #727
I just want to sleep and for today to be over ,

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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:19 PM
  #728
Online dating update 6:
It isn't going well because I can't go out on a date when I make $234 a week. I've been planting seeds here and there, but I'm not really getting many responses. I think half the problem is that I'm really not seeing many potential dates with good profiles that I connect with. There was 1 woman, she was 42, I felt our profiles sync'd but nothing came of it. :-/

1) I need a better picture of myself
2) It would look better on paper if I said I had a better job

All i said basically is that I'm an author but I have a day job to pay the bills, and left it at that. There was one other profile that interested me, she was definitely a reader, I mean, no one casually takes up Ulysses for some light reading. It's one off the toughest reads in the "Western Canon". She hasn't responded back... but, usually they all wait until Sunday night. So we'll see!
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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:22 PM
  #729
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Originally Posted by Day Tripper View Post
Online dating update 6:

It isn't going well because I can't go out on a date when I make $234 a week. I've been planting seeds here and there, but I'm not really getting many responses. I think half the problem is that I'm really not seeing many potential dates with good profiles that I connect with. There was 1 woman, she was 42, I felt our profiles sync'd but nothing came of it. :-/


1) I need a better picture of myself

2) It would look better on paper if I said I had a better job


All i said basically is that I'm an author but I have a day job to pay the bills, and left it at that. There was one other profile that interested me, she was definitely a reader, I mean, no one casually takes up Ulysses for some light reading. It's one off the toughest reads in the "Western Canon". She hasn't responded back... but, usually they all wait until Sunday night. So we'll see!
What platform are u using? Tinder or okcupid? Or something else?

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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:24 PM
  #730
Noise has been confusing and scaring me. I'm scared. Constantly scared , always

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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:29 PM
  #731
Newt,
I apologize about my book. I made a major change again. The ending has completely changed. The ending is now 20 pages longer. I'll send you another copy. It only costs $5 bucks. I have your address. I was always insecure with the anti-climactic ending. briefly put--it sucked. Now the ending is spot on, super mythic, and I nailed it finally. I finally worked it out and I brought it all together like a crescendo. I still have a few minor tweaks left though to get pagination and headers working.

Goethe in his Work Faust wrote his book the same way. I think it's because Faust was kind of mingled with who Goethe was, and he always added upon it throughout his life. In it he wrote a poem about how it was like patchwork, as he tweaked this, and added that. His first bits started to release in 1790 until 1831 when he finally released it before he past away. There were parts that he still wished he was able to complete, such as a debate between Faust and the devil among the faculty and students. That would have been truly awesome.
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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:31 PM
  #732
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Noise has been confusing and scaring me. I'm scared. Constantly scared , always
Are you getting auditory hallucinations? Or paranoid thoughts abou the noises? Sometimes I turn on some times I turn on music to drown out the noise from beyond my door.
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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:31 PM
  #733
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Newt,

I apologize about my book. I made a major change again. The ending has completely changed. The ending is now 20 pages longer. I'll send you another copy. It only costs $5 bucks. I have your address. I was always insecure with the anti-climactic ending. briefly put--it sucked. Now the ending is spot on, super mythic, and I nailed it finally. I finally worked it out and I brought it all together like a crescendo. I still have a few minor tweaks left though to get pagination and headers working.


Goethe in his Work Faust wrote his book the same way. I think it's because Faust was kind of mingled with who Goethe was, and he always added upon it throughout his life. In it he wrote a poem about how it was like patchwork, as he tweaked this, and added that. His first bits started to release in 1790 until 1831 when he finally released it before he past away. There were parts that he still wished he was able to complete, such as a debate between Faust and the devil among the faculty and students. That would have been truly awesome.
Ok I'm gonna message u.

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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:33 PM
  #734
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Are you getting auditory hallucinations? Or paranoid thoughts abou the noises? Sometimes I turn on some times I turn on music to drown out the noise from beyond my door.
yeah, I will try that, thank you

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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:38 PM
  #735
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What platform are u using? Tinder or okcupid? Or something else?
I would never use tinder. I like a platform where I can layout who I am, and conversate with likeminded women. Yeah okcupid. Is there a better one?
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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:40 PM
  #736
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I would never use tinder. I like a platform where I can layout who I am, and conversate with likeminded women. Yeah okcupid. Is there a better one?
I really dont know of a better one. Another thing I do when I was was dating was befriend friends of friends on fb. That's how I found my fiance. Well my fiance found me. He kept talking to me. He wouldnt leave me alone, and then I gave him a chance lol. That came about because I added a bunch of people from my high school days (10 years ago). Him and I went to high school together. But we never really hung out or anything.

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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 06:41 PM
  #737
Meds;
Atenolol 50mg 2x a day
Vyvanse 50mg in the morning
Seroquel 50mg at night

Nootropics;
Nicotine spray
Caffeine
CBD

These are all the things I will take for two weeks because I've been out of control with the depressants. I will meditate, go to bed on time, wake up on time and try to be stable and think about the horrors that I have been putting myself through.
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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 07:11 PM
  #738
Life can be beautiful when I see it properly
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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 07:28 PM
  #739
This girl I met on reddit...idk. it's kinda weird.

She wanted to talk like 2 weeks ago. So I waited for 3 hours for her to call. She said she was on the phone with her aunt the whole time.

She said she wanted to talk again today. I said ok and some other stuff. And she didnt reply. I replied again an hour later and she said she had to go do something and will call me later.

Idk what's going on... but I did tell her I would be in bed by 8 or 8:30pm cuz I gotta work. It's weird idk. She doesnt have a fb or anything she says...

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Default Aug 25, 2019 at 07:37 PM
  #740
I tried playing guitar but my fingers hurt
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