Roll Call 153

The vyvanse wore off and now I can't focus

Or it was the glass of orange juice that I drank idk

It's over. My boss had an accountant, I hired a tax attorney, and they didn't do squat. Me and my boss tackled it head on and it's over thanks to us. This thing would have taken over a month to reselve otherwise. Jesus Christ. I will never let it come to this ever again. That was the second worst campus rush ever, second only to the one where I was in a delusion.

I updated my ABOUT page on my blog after a year of not touching it

Wrote a cryptic blog post and don't know what to do regarding work. My job right now is garbage and I want to quit it. I also don't know what the heck to do with my future.

Just realized these are normal worries. I guess that's good...

Also I want to be a creative person for a job but there's no way it will "pay the bills" according to my parents.

Does this quote that I wrote make sense?

"Anything can made possible in the universe as true, objectively, or as real (Agreed without knowing it's an illusion or collectively by humans by applying subjective panpsychism of matter without evidence) and beyond that is what is beyond space where anything can be anything, (Undefined and not yet existing future defined consciousness of all existing and non existing reality). It is possible to use physics to defy the laws of physics which doesn't make sense until it does, like building a time machine."

It could have some oxymorons in it but other than not wanting to spend my time writing any more of it, it could make sense (If it doesn't).

The high dose psilocybin trip made this thinking worse for me in terms of psychosis, but better for me in terms of how interesting the thoughts can be.

And then pantheism is a whole other thing that settles down to agnosticism when I'm feeling depressed.

But I used to be an atheist before the shrooms, yet still had psychosis. I just was just more confused than I am now.

So basically psychosis has nothing to do with any of this autistic-like thinking because psychosis is a set of a majority of symptoms such as hallucinations (Which psychedelics cause, which is why they're called hallucinogens).

It just doesn't make sense to me and I need to make sense of this if antipsychotics for schizophrenia is controlling my life and without, psychosis is ruining my life for myself and other people.

They don't even know if antipsychotics cause loss of grey matter or if it's the psychosis itself. Am I supposed to just trust the psychiatrist of western society while all the good things in life come from mystical **** and I have to think about my mom going to heaven because she has cancer? Does that mean people that I love dying makes psychosis worse because it's stress?

Like what? It's all subjective and I think the main thing is to just shut up and stop thinking about these things while the illuminati mess with us and people "Wake up" and become enlightened and all this spiritual stuff..

It's crazy tbh..

I suppose this forum is for getting better and trusting the psychiatrist.. yet many don't trust when they're sick.. and also, we don't really get better 100%. So finding a way to get better has to be either WAIT for the future (Which may never come. The world can end).

So yeah.. And I think about helping you guys in a way that I can and I'm not sure if I should tell the truth (Like for example: BB said a psychiatrist could be poisoning her to make her worse to get rid of mental illness.. I said NO but there's a possibility that a few doctors could be doing that because they're psychopaths unless that's my paranoia and if it's real, it's my delusion. But it's best to not complicate things and allow people to get better which is a social thing and I'm socially intelligent so it's all good.. But I wonder if it's better to tell the truth.. talk about things..).

I was intrigued when I was a kid that I had a deep conversation with friends about God not being real for like a few minutes. It didn't start that way because I was thinking about that stuff in my head.. growing up catholic when I was apathetic towards it but yeah..

Sorry guys I'm just venting. Ignore me..

Meds kicked in. That was hell at the end (Thought I was going to panic). It got me into wanting to read dostoevsky (Do you know of him day tripper?).

Had a headache but it's going away. Gonna be hiking in the morning and hopefully I'm not as anxious.

I was looking at my med stand and I can hear my dads voice saying "That's crazy. Only crazy people would do that. What is wrong with you?".

So I'm still trying to figure out my life and doing things it's taking it's time but eventually I'll be better.. than being thrown in the trash by my ex step dad.

I'm sorry if I upset you Desoxyn

Woke up early, it's going on 5. I like being up early, I'm a morning person

It's going on 4 here and I haven't slept... Rough night for me...

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

I met the ward pdoc today. It went okay. He wants me to stay here a couple more weeks. I have not heard voices in over a day. I feel clear headed. But we know if I take things too quickly, I will fall backwards again. The pdoc is writing a form to Kela for functional therapy; helping me with daily tasks so I get back on my feet. So all in all I may be in here for over a month. I am also not talking to my mom for the last 2+ weeks and its helping me to see things clearly cause her denial of problems isn’t infiltrating my head as much. I feel like I am beginning to realize how troublesome the relationship with my parents is. I have no parental figures in my life unfortunately. That I feel I can truly look up to. It hurts.

Pdoc appointment yesterday...an emergency one. First off he is leaving as of 12/31/19. He is going to a different city and going cash only. Not sure I can afford him. Not going to be easy seeing about a new one as where I live it’s kind of rural. Also the whole counseling service is up for sale. As of 12/31/19 I might lose my T and for sure I’m losing my pdoc. This sucks. As for the appointment, there wasn’t much he could do with my meds as I am on the highest doses already. So we are going to augment with alternative medication. He is ordering me some vitamin B something. Then he had me go to Costco and get some SAM-E. He gave me a book to read and a 40 page paper. Apparently some people have a gene or a variant that makes anti depressants not that effective. He thinks I have that. I told him he is breaking my heart by leaving. I’m sad and upset and scared.

Sorry to hear Kit is there a reason he can't let you try other meds? I know you're on the max doses but maybe those meds aren't helping and could be changed over to other ones ?

I’m glad you’re feeling clear headed but that can shift in the beginning of recovery pretty easily so I think it’s smart to stay until you’re fully stable even though it kinda sucks as I’m sure you’d rather be out living life....but soon enough you will be. Sorry your mom is making stuff worse.

Sorry to hear S.K. , but I hope clearing up your depression is as easy as supplements...wouldn’t that be cool?

Seeing my doctor today

And case manager

Over the last week I felt a bit off kilter and then I wasn’t sleeping well less and less each day and feeling a bit hypomanic.

But I managed to sleep a decent amount last night and feel better.

Must be adjusting to the abilify. I think it’s helping with those thoughts I was having. So that’s good.

Hopefully this works well. I’m hopeful.