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Default Sep 15, 2019 at 10:38 PM
  #641
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Originally Posted by falcon09 View Post
Every time I close my eyes I feel like im being watched and am in danger
Are you at your apartment? I hope those feelings wear off.
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Default Sep 15, 2019 at 10:41 PM
  #642
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Are you at your apartment? I hope those feelings wear off.
I'm at my grandparents right now actually.

And thank you
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Default Sep 15, 2019 at 10:41 PM
  #643
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It's just a thing that happens. There's alway many ways to get better.. just not knowing how.. How are other people well? Their brains are working properly.. You can't give up. Keep surviving. Maybe you don't have the proper treatment team, the right meds, something bad happened to you which you're currently thinking about.. and then there's the maintaining on top of all of those things like taking care of yourself mentally and physically like anyone else would. It's a load of crap that you need to think about on top of mental illness and how to deal with it and be better (But you're just maintaining not going off into the deep end).


It's a lot of work. Then people judge you for what you do and you have thoughts of outside forces playing you like a game.


Everything can be really beautiful, calm, awakening and full of life experience. No one wants to die when the afterlife is a mystery or whether or not it even exists.. if it doesn't exist, then everything that is your ego is what wants to stay alive and the only thing that makes you want to die is the pain.


It can feel like when you're in the state of feeling dysphoric and having paranoia and delusions that you'll be this way forever with periods of just being "OK" in between so like, "Is it worth it?". It always is. It's not a choice because you never know if you're dead.


Try doing things to distract yourself (Coping mechanisms) like making tea, just sitting down and thinking even though it's agony because your brain is trying to figure things out along with the chemical imbalance. Depression and psychosis is a form of addiction because you're always constantly stuck in a loop, feeding off itself. If there was a way to reset the brain to default mode, you'd see that everything that you are can be changed. We're constantly changing and you don't have to be stuck in the hell that you're in.
Wow, good post, Desoxyn.
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Default Sep 15, 2019 at 11:07 PM
  #644
So, apparently my friend made his friend really happy for her birthday. She said they rented a car and that she'll tell me more tomorrow. I'm jealous and pissed off. I don't know how many days they spent together.

Meanwhile there's a Roll Call 153 hanging in a corner of the bathroom. If it disappears I won't know where it went.

My friend has been in a very good mood this trip. I sure don't make him that happy. All I am hoping for now is that he buys all the stuff I want (out of the money that I had in savings).

First on the list, thanks to the threatened vape ban, is a Zamplebox. I can't stock up for a long time but I can hopefully have some decent juices for two months.

Anyone who supports vaping should send a tweet (or two) to Donald Trump. Things are really making me wonder what's going on. He said last Wednesday that he doesn't like vaping but he was impressed it's a multibilllion dollar industry, but he's considering a flavor ban. Within 72 hours he reversed himself, saying he liked vaping as an alternative to smoking. I'm wondering if he's really so flip floppy or is he playing a mind game on vapers.

Anyway, if he does go through with the flavor ban he'll lose his second term. There are an estimated 10 million vapers in the US. If even a fraction of that number doesn't vote for Trump he'll lose. I believe he is well aware about vaping, I just don't know what he's doing.
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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 01:21 AM
  #645
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That's great, SP! How long do you need to be there?
Depends on how fast I take courses but I want internships etc so could be up to four years, it’s only 36 credits so it can be finished in a year if you’re fast but I don’t think I have that in me tbh.

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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 01:38 AM
  #646
I had a panic attack. It started after I watched 3x 22m "Explained" documentaries in a row and then I walked to the gas station to buy a coke and listen to a podcast. I noticed that the conversation sounded quite awkward when I never noticed that before. Then I was walking in a dark alleyway and thinking if I should turn back and go home but I didn't. When buying the bottle of coke, the woman at the counter was counting change and I had to stand there not knowing what to do. I walked back, deep breaths and then got home and took a benzo to try and go to bed but then it got worse until it kicked in.

When I started feeling better, I smoked CBD flower which made me feel even more better and now I'm drinking chamomile tea.

It's the same time as last year when my panic attacks first started getting really bad.. something about the cold and darkness because I'm afraid of the dark.

Also it could have been the 5mg psilacetin so I threw that away. I'm not doing psychs anymore. I know what I need to know to work on myself and I have psychosis so I shouldn't be doing that.
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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 02:03 AM
  #647
Listening to the sound of rain on youtube helps. I'll put it on when I'm sleeping.
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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 03:45 AM
  #648
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There's a new antipsychotic in phase 3 clinical trial called "Roluperidone". It helps with negative symptoms.

I believe negative symptoms can be a symptom of positive symptoms.
"Roluperidone exhibits no affinity for dopaminergic, muscarinic, cholinergic and histaminergic receptors. Roluperidone has no direct dopaminergic post-synaptic blocking effects, known to be involved in some side effects like extrapyramidal symptoms, sedation, prolactin increases and weight gain."

Sounds promising. Let's just hope it works as they say it should! Would truly be a game changer

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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 03:46 AM
  #649
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SP just told me something. She said the steroid shot I got for my back might be causing this. She said it can affect vision and cause mood changes and behaviors. That must be why i been needing my glasses more often lately and this mania. Cuz I'm rarely like this. I'm usually depressed.
Same with the prednisone honestly. Look up the side effects of prednisone which is also a steroid . I actually cannot take it because my symptoms flare up big time

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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 03:47 AM
  #650
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SP just told me something. She said the steroid shot I got for my back might be causing this. She said it can affect vision and cause mood changes and behaviors. That must be why i been needing my glasses more often lately and this mania. Cuz I'm rarely like this. I'm usually depressed.
You said yesterday that you were depressed today... did it change

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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 03:48 AM
  #651
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I don't wear contacts either, I never have. I'm kind of scared of them and I like my glasses, plus there's tons of different styles and what not. Right now I have a pair of vera bradley with transition lenses
I've always worn glasses and have never had contacts. I'm so used to them now. I have some coach frames and then my prescription sunglasses r raybans .

Sometimes glasses r annoying though like when it rains and water gets on them

Or losing them or breaking them! I have a backup pair cuz I've broken a lot of mine

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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 03:51 AM
  #652
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I feel like I've gone crazy/insane and I've passed the point of no return. Meds only works for a little while and then they stop. I feel better when I first get out of the hospital, but then I always get suicidal again and the demons never stay away for good. They haven't even left me in over a year now... They've just been there the whole time, some times better than others. I've started going catatonic in addition to dissociating. Sometimes I'm aware and sometimes I'm not... I feel like there is no saving me at this point... What's the point of trying and fighting if it's all going to be in vain? If it's just going to always get worse again, what is the effing point?
Have u ever considered residential treatment ?

I lived in one for almost 5 years . That is where I met my therapist

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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 06:20 AM
  #653
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Listening to the sound of rain on youtube helps. I'll put it on when I'm sleeping.
I use a relaxation app with thunderstrom sounds

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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 06:50 AM
  #654
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You said yesterday that you were depressed today... did it change
A was a bit depressed yesterday, but it quickly turned into mania. I seem ok today. Very tired. Have to goto work.

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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 07:08 AM
  #655
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A was a bit depressed yesterday, but it quickly turned into mania. I seem ok today. Very tired. Have to goto work.
Yup I'm at work too 6am to 2pm then therapy at 4pm

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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 07:15 AM
  #656
Don't know how much I slept. It was broken up into 1-2 hours here and there

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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 07:16 AM
  #657
Seeing my therapist in a couple hours

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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 08:01 AM
  #658
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Have u ever considered residential treatment ?


I lived in one for almost 5 years . That is where I met my therapist
I have considered it but my insurance wouldn't cover it, I think. I'm on Medicare.

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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 08:13 AM
  #659
I slept pretty well in my new rearranged room

I cleaned it up too

I'm telling yall if u feel down in the dumps rearranging a piece of furniture rly helps

My therapist suggested that to me once

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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 12:29 PM
  #660
Saw my therapist. Got the letter stating my cats are emotional support animals. Also met with my care manager filled out the voc rehab program application. They will help with interviews, resumes, etc. You go to this education place for awhile and learn all that stuff. They guarantee you'll get a job within a certain amount of time. We're also looking into section 8 housing since there's a lot more options than the supportive housing place I applied to, and it doesn't look like there's going to be an opening any time soon there. So that will get me into a new apartment hopefully soon with reduced rent and things will be a lot easier financially with that and a part time job. Then the plan is to start classes again in the spring to finish my associates degree while working

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