Roll Call 153

I hope I don't have a panic attack tonight. Cuz then I can't write, watch movies or anything. I just curl up in a ball and fear death.

Gawd why am I so controversial. I'm so flawed. I need to work on myself lol

I see my life as a trip.. all the events that happened in my memories and it's all about me being prey to someone that wants to cause me harm.. but I avoid the threat always.. I never confront my fears..

It's all good using the word Crazy... because I refer that to myself all the time. Like when my bff's uncle called me a crazy ***** b****. I told him "heh thank you "... then preceded to say he agreed with my ex sex buddy that I look like a man. I said "lol whatever".

I don't think I've ever fit in with most people. Especially in elementary and middle school and my Freshmen year of high school. I was the odd ball. People kept telling me that I was dirty, that I had lice, and that I was weird in general. Of course this was before my illness hit (even though I did show signs of the illness as young as probably 5 years old). In my sophomore to my senior year of high school I pretty much found the clique that was right for me... the anime, artsy, and theatre geeks. After graduating i was in a rut. I lost contact with most of my school friends and was dating a guy I was with for a year or two at the time.

I know what if feels like when people think you're stupid or retarded. Like the way I talk, spell, and my use of grammar. I don't think I'm the smartest person around but I'm defiantly not mentally challenged. I think some people think I'm dumber than what they give me credit for and a lot has to do with my personality, mental illness, and the way I grew up.

I didn't sleep at all last night. This is terrible. Now I have to work a 10 hour shift without any sleep. fml.

I feel like my roommate is creating a giant lie to justify why she wants to leave the place we live. I feel bad, because without me, she has nowhere to live, but to go to the lengths of the lie she went to are epic and certainly cray-cray. It's manipulative. I better cool my jets though. Part of this is because i've got no sleep.

My therapist came in my job . I'm sure he did it to spy on me.

You work in retail right? Depending on the size of your town and how big the store is I'm just assuming he was going there to get something and not so much spying on you?

Yea he comes in a lot but usually we just wave and acknowledge each other but today he made a point to come up to me and ask how I am and stuff

Drew professor Oak. I know the anatomy isn't good, I'm still learning

I think you’re underestimating yourself that’s really good!

Thank you!

When I went on my retail therapy trek a couple of weeks ago and bought shoes, these are the ones I bought. I special ordered them from Vans and they have flamingos on them. I adore flamingos!

These are so cool!

I went to see my PDOC last night. I didn't have an appointment. He called me in the morning and asked me to come in. I went in at 6 and didn't get seen until 9. He was really running behind. A guy who had an appointment at 6 PM wasn't seen until 8 PM. He was pretty miffed--that guy, but stuff happens, especially in a PDOCS office. My PDOC is leaving as of 12/31/19 and going to a cash only practice. I asked him how much he was going to charge and he said, $200.00. I can do that for now, especially because I usually only see him every three months. I will still probably look around and interview PDOC's but I am not encouraged by the list the insurance gave me. I read some of the reviews online and was appalled. So I am relieved I have a plan to see my PDOC. He gave me some supplements he bought online for me and gave me three books. He talked a lot about hope which is good because being suicidal, I have not had a lot of hope lately. We talked about my religious leanings and what brings me hope and he talked about what brings him hope. It was good. He hugged me and stuff at the end. He talked about his wife and her struggles, which he has never really talked about his wife before, except to say, like oh she liked the Christmas card you gave us and stuff like that. I got a glimpse of the man behind the Dr. I feel good about being able to see him after the end of the year. I don't know if I will be able to see my therapist after the end of the year because the business is selling. Maybe I will find out more tomorrow when I go to see her. I saw my PDOC twice between seeing my T. And my PDOC didn't charge me for last night.

I’m having so much fun making these mini cards for my mom, thanks again slumberkitty for the idea

God I had a dream that my mom had 1 month to live

And that my sister cheated on her bf

And other things

We just had a company meeting and I think I was hallucinating. I saw a man peering through the window at us but no one else reacted so I guess it was a hallucination....

Therapy went well.

Therapist said I was having some rebound anxiety from lowering my benzo and since anxiety and paranoia are linked for me, that's why I've been more paranoid lately. But he said if it got too much I could go to my doc and get my AP increased.

Spent some time helping my dad, seems to be one of the few things that feels good anymore.

Anyone ever felt super sensitive? A coworker started a question to me with "What makes you believe x,y.z?" It made me feel like what I believe is wrong even though it's right there on the check stub!! It's not a belief, it's fact.