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Demile
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Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: KY
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Default Sep 07, 2019 at 09:59 PM
  #1
Hello to all, I apologize in advance if this post ends up being long.

A lot here lately i have been thinking about my past. Not necessarily all of the bad, but the good too. It has been leaving me with a lot of thoughts on how much I have changed over the years. I can remember a time in my life when i thought I was actually doing good in my life. For example, ten years ago I was living in Louisiana working a good job, able to live a "normal" everyday life. I would take my son, one at the time, out everyday to the park or the lake. We would swim, go out to eat, play constantly.

Even if I look back to five years ago. Thats when my illness was starting to take a turn for the worse. Thats when things were really starting to change with me. I had been living in Kentucky for two years by this point. I was struggling to keep things together at work. I noticed that i was starting to have major issues with my temper. I never wanted to go out and do things anymore. I would come home from work and just want to stay at home. I rarely took my son out at this point. I noticed that i started to not feel like myself anymore and even notice that my thoughts were becoming more spastic. I was starting to have trouble remembering things and was having a lot of issues concentrating and focusing. I started drinking more and more. I can say proudly though that I never really got drunk in front of my son. I only ever got drunk when he was at my parents house for the weekend.

Now, things have started to get much worse. I can no longer keep track of my days or time. I have dreams and nightmares, sometimes just confusing dreams that make no sense, others that are flashback of past traumatic events or that I'm being chased, trying to find my kids, surrounded by flames and chaos, etc. My hallucinations have hit an all time high. I see things that I can no longer tell if they are real or not. The voices in my head never really shut up anymore. I feel like I'm not safe anywhere anymore. I have a hard time keeping things together now.

I become more scared everyday that I am going to wake up and not know anything anymore. That I am not going to be able to handle my kids anymore. Im scared that I am going to "blackout" (meaning that I am going to do something and not remember what i have done). I have had some in the past, not any recently which makes me feel good. But it feel like something is trying to take over me and that scares me. I can no longer keep my thoughts together. I just don't know anymore. I am trying to seek help, but it is hard to find someone where i live at. Most of the professionals are over an hour away and my car is at its last leg.

Sometimes I just feel like giving into it all and letting it all take over. At least then i wouldnt have to fight anymore. But right now that is not an option. I have to try, at least for my kids sake.
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Default Sep 09, 2019 at 11:11 AM
  #2
For me I noticed memory changes too....I had some cognitive testing done and lost 20 IQ points worth of working memory....fish oil has saved my mind. I just got the gummies and have two a day, within a month I noticed a difference.

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Heart Oct 11, 2019 at 06:12 PM
  #3
Dear Demile, I relate to you on many levels, but not all. First of all, I'm so sorry you are suffering like this. And God bless you for thinking of your kids the way you do. And I think your love for them will save you, & eventually you will get the help you need. So please, hang in there for your kids & for yourself. Also, if you believe in a higher power, such as God, or Nature, the Life Force, Universal Intelligence, etc., please connect with this source as much as you can. Let that Spirit comfort you, guide you, & help heal you. And keep searching for help elsewhere. Have faith. God bless you! With lots of hugs, Breaking Dawn
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Default Oct 12, 2019 at 03:20 PM
  #4
Not sue where you are right now (KY?). Sometimes in more isolated areas providers from the larger cities nearby see patients, oh, once very two or four weeks or so, depending. So, for example, someone from Louisville or Lexington (or Nashvile, if you are in that part of the state) will see people very near your town, just not every day. Have you looked into anything like that? And if you are not in KY anymore it doesn't matter, this applies in every state.

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