Roll Call 159!

Oh wow. That's a very painful thing to go through. I hope your grandma feels a lot better soon.

I wrote a small story about what happened today. I'll finish writing it later and post it on my blog. I feel a bit better with the music and accomplishing something.

I'm not posting this on facebook for my mom to see but I'll post it here for why I endured such hell all my teenage life on top of mental illness that manifested at age 12;

"Kids Who Do Chores Are More Successful Adults"

At 15 I started off sanding that ****ing rusty trailer for days. I sanded about 100 things in my teenage life. All I remember is sanding and sanding, 4 hours cutting the grass every few days, days of painting the fence, sweeping and sweeping and sweeping, sanding the counters, vacuuming every certain day (If there was one spot that wasn't done, I'd have to vacuum again), shovelling snow (Like everyone does. Surely not too bad..), sanding the deck for days and then painted, cleaning his truck, cleaning the car, washing the car, vacuuming the vehicles, etc. No friends (Had to blow them all off for fishing trips with this asshole). Worked in the mechanics shop, sweeping and sweeping, cleaning trucks, cleaning his service truck, stealing little things for him to save money, more sweeping, heavy duty work on trucks (Not allowed to do it myself, I always had to watch.. For years.). I quit, got depressed (Idk why. I. Have. No. Idea). Worked at the welding shop, sweeping and sweeping (Had to start again), moving pieces of metal around, wouldn't let me weld much. I had to buy them packs of cigarettes to drive me home when my mom couldn't drive. I was told to smile and when I put on a fake smile, they'd make fun of me. Then when before he left when I was age 20, I carried all of his weights out into the garage so he could sell. Then he won the lottery. He told me how to scrape spring ice off of the garage doors because I wasn't doing it the way he wanted. I said "Thanks" like I always did and he drove away, leaving a mess of barrels that he was using to steal gasoline from oil rigs to save money, garage a mess full of rags, small oil barrels, broken pieces of heavy machinery, **** everywhere. That was the last I saw of him.

But I spent my whole childhood up to age 12 playing outside so maybe this article is right.

Now that I think back on it, it was ****ing child abuse. And pure neglect from my mom, leaving me and sleeping at his house every other day. That's hard to deal with because she's still my real mom and now I have to take care of her. I still haven't processed any of it.

But I must look at the present moment which is good now and forget. But sometimes it's hard to forget. I get addictive flashbacks of standing up for myself because I never did. The only time I did was when I said "Shut up" while at the house on our lunch break and stormed off then he drove off back to work, leaving me there to think about what I did and have to apologize. It was pure manipulation.

The "My real dad pays for the food" was physical abuse which isn't even 1% as bad as the psychological/mental/emotional.

I used to be afraid of dying in my sleep but now I'm not. If something weird like that ever happens to me, people will remember my alter personality or whatever I did to protect myself which came out fully after emotional/physical/psychological abuse, OCD child sexual trauma and really weird sexual harassment, and neglect before my bad trip.

And not this messed up person that I am. (I'm not suicidal btw).

I'll wake up in the morning and hopefully I won't wake up completely and utterly mental and dysphoric.

It's weird for me to be hanging around my moms friends when all the men want to hit on either her or them. It's weird.

I'm sedating myself. I'll probably feel better in the morning

I apologize for being mentally ill (I know I know.. no need to apologize..) It's OCD that has seemed to have come back.. or it's just a natural response to what has happened to me. But it's good to share. I know no one will judge me.

I talked to my 2nd cousin (A nurse) about taking 5mg olanzepine the night before the morning I talked to her. She says that she loves handing those out to people. It calms them right down. But I put a benzo under my tongue and also my normal dose of seroquel.

I will fall asleep hopefully.

My face is frozen and I have a brain freeze from walking to the store and back. It's 9 degrees out , we have a winter storm warning. Drinking some nice hot coffee now

Saw my doc. He upped my haldol to 15mg and my lithium to 1125mg.

He wants me to try ECT if that doesn't work

I got my Abilify shot today. I hope it helps my mood and psychosis. I'm tired of everything right now.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

Not feeling myself today. Woke up too sedated. Keep thinking about the past and future

What’s everyone up to? I just had to do a biography for class....it almost seems like I was successful so why didn’t I stay a scientist you know....but I have not published since I got sick. It just derailed me.

The dentist didn't have any openings today they said to try again tomorrow (they're open Saturday's ) my tooth hurts so bad. I'll just have to take some naproxen in the meantime

Man. Work was crazy. My boss had me come in for 2 hours. I ended staying 3. One very, very, very sick person and another with his first time in psychosis.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Fiances friends and brother is coming over tomorrow for the fights. I told him I'd make them all some tacos and have some desserts for them. So bought nacho cheese and regular taco shells. Etc. And then chocolate mousse, cupcakes, and reese's mix for dessert. Bought me some muddy buddies.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Made a list of habits I want to implement into my life

-Showering every day
-Playing Ukulele 3 times a week
-Drawing once a week
-Reading 50 pages a day

Better than my 50 things. I can't possibly do as much as I think I can.

Unfocused, depressed, unmotivated.

I'm gonna smoke a bit of weed and see if that helps. If I go psychotic, I'll take an olanzepine.

I wish my room wasn't so small so I had a desk or one of those rooms to go in like Newtus has. I don't like living in my room. There's no place to go. This is where I sleep. It's depressing.

That's part of the reason I sit on the front porch so long. Being in my room makes me more depressed sometimes. Other times, I don't want to leave my room.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain