Roll Call 159!

I know I want to read some philosophy or other books but I cannot get motivated enough to read them. Does anybody have tips on how to just sit down and read for a while?

I also think I have to read everything at once. This ends up driving me insane. For example: I have like eight books going right now! This seems untenable for me.

I have this problem too. I think if I bring my Invega injection back to every 3 weeks instead of every 4 weeks, I'll have less "thoughts"... Which are really just psychotic positive symptoms.. Then I'll be less entertained and distracted and actually will be able to sit down and read..

We're just too smart. That's our problem...

I was having this problem, for me it went away when I started omega 3 supplements

I do one book at a time. Atmosphere is everything for me. If you go to class, you learn; if you go to the gym, you work out; if you go to the café, you dress in black and look existential asf with your dark roast.

lol

No but really, I use to go to the library, but now I go to Panera bread to read and write. I would bring a pen, a highlighter, and colorful book markers to place for paragraphs you like in the book. I make it a synesthesia experience with a coffee, a scone, ear buds playing instrumental/electronic music, a view next to a window. It's easier to read if you don't bring a laptop with you.

Do you experience flat affect or anhedonia? This can make it difficult for motivation. I bring a flask to the café on irish cream liquor bc alc helps me feel so to motivate.

Also, a philosophy book that speaks to you is important. Any book that speaks to you is harder to put down.

Now I know, I hate buffalo wild wings, and wing stop. Shyts trash. I've tasted better wings from the frozen section of walmart. Shyts pure trash. Hahaha. But...yea good morning. And the sauce from those places got me feeling bubbly.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I'm convinced b-dubs wings are frozen.

They taste like pure trash. Both places wing's, the skin was tough. Like real tough. And not juicy. My fiance thought both were great, and I'm thinking hes so fckn white bro. Like the skin was tough, and rough to the touch. Like seriously? Hahah. No I make fun of him. Hes from iowa.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I feel horribly.. better this morning.. I took 150mg Seroquel to sleep.

desoxyn, you mentioned dopamine schizophrenia and serotonin schizophrenia. How do they differ, and what causes them?

It is one of my hypotheses!

Yknow the way meth addicts eventually start being paranoid? Police scanners and radios.. shadows around the corners of eyeballs.. sit in the corner and smoke the rest until nightfall.. Dopamine! Stimulant psychosis.. Adderall.. methylphenidate...

Then there's a different type of schizophrenia.. "I don't have schizophrenia and neither do I".. DID.. multiple personality disorder.. which can be confused for schizophrenia.. That meme causes major offense for stigma in schiz.. but psychedelics can exacerbate schizophrenia right? Psychedelics are tryptamine derivatives.. they mimic serotonin.. serotonin is 5-hydroxy-tryptamine.. That's why they help with depression and anxiety..

My dopamine schizophrenia was cured by antipsychotics.. I never had psychosis from stimulants.. maybe because of the antipsychotics? Idk.. But the psychedelics helped me with depression (Negative symptoms and avoidant personality disorder)..

It reset my brain.. MDMA (Biggest serotonin releaser - 20x while meth is 3x serotonin release) caused me to have psychosis.. meth did a little because it released serotonin..

Abilify got rid of my delusions while increasing paranoia (Dopamine partial agonist) while invega stopped paranoia (serotonin antagonist).

So I'm working on these thoughts because it's very complicated.. glutamate etc.. plays a part too.. like how bipolar is more likely to have seizures.. bipolar meds are anti-seizure meds and benzos are too.. they stop anxiety, psychedelic trips, psychedelic flashbacks.. etc..

All complicated..

Lately, I feel as though my ex-girlfriend, from over a decade ago, which I dated for 9 years, that her self-confessed "people" that were keeping tabs on me, that they still might be. I've said some things on here that I deeply regret. But as I contemplate on it, what I said about her, it was like a Hamletian "wild justice" that happened out a "Nerve" that grew out of me. I come here to confess and help me move on. My psychologist said it helps to write out my thoughts and feelings. So I come here and do that and it helps me understand myself.

She told strangers everything about me. All of my flaws and imperfections that are quite frankly humiliating, and they've grown to shame me publicly.. Every fine detail that characterized me as the epidemy of evil and wickedness.

Coming here is like going to confession. Where I confess everything. Some things are just feelings, some of them are actions, some of them are just blowing off much steam.

Imagine my horror when I realized when my ex-girlfriend's words of my imperfections reached a psychology professor, who said it plainly. The professor said it. It was empirical. she sat in the doorway and told me before we even sat down. It could not be denied. My ex girlfriend played a hand in trying to ruin me in an academic setting, where I was shelling out thousands of dollars for her entertainment. She stacked the dominos, and knocked the one over that lead to my collapse as I had to face that professor in her office, because her words got to that professor.

The day I got out of the hospital I was a wreck, and I sought my ex-girlfriend's consul, only for her to justify her actions with pithy excuses of how I made her live in poverty, that my paint career is abhorrent, that her "people" have been stalking me.

And in her weakness, when she was suicidal over her abortions one morning, that she had when she was with me, she sought my consul, and I betrayed her because I told all of you this on this forum. I told nobody else but you guys. Now Imagine if her "people" were watching me when I stated this on this forum, and went on a rant because I felt this "nerve" or impulse for Hamletian "wild justice" that I had to get off my chest, in private with a confess meant for just my friends here. There was no intention of signaling to her "people", outside of this forum. It was just meant for you guys.

I then felt paranoia, and reacted with terrible feelings and regret, and guilt, and fear that her "people" saw it, but I have no way of finding out. My schizophrenia, my paranoia, makes me feel as though I am always being singled out. Now what if her "people" have and read that? This is why I named the character of mmy first book Daniel Daedalus. Daniel for the person thrown to the lions, and Daedalus, the person who created a labyrinth. But lately, I feel it to be more of a Gordian knot, that I can't figure out how to untie. I need to sever it, which would be deleting my account here. But you guys are my friends, and I care for you, and you make me more aware of myself, and you're part of my support net.

I'm just conflicted, and these are my recent thoughts which are stuck in a pattern of thinking which I get fixated on. And then I sit back, and just exclaim I'm cursed, and I feel a bit of acceptance. People, for some reason, single me out, and try to give me the scarlet letter because they are unable to grasp the underlying issues, some of which they could never imagine! Schizophrenics often feel as though they are being "gang-stalked" but my ex has given me a reason to feel that, that public shame thrown my way.

I don't let it get to me, because if they do then I just understand that their just an instrument in a system of oppression that makes men feel as though they can't seek therapy and talk about their feelings and impulses. Shame is the tool of the mindless herd, where they try to strip a person of their dignity, of their sovereignty within. Guilt and shame are different. Guilt is something I've worked to iron out in every imaginable sense. I have a fuller understanding of who I am now, and have made great progress. Shame, however, is something that is thrown onto a person in public. It's external, and very effective. It's what drove Faust's love, Gretchen, towards her death.

I wish I could just untie this knot, but to do so requires aid from one of my exes' "people" that she self-proclaimed. Everytime I get close to an answer, it slips away and drives me ****ing insane!

DT I doubt she or her people know about this forum....I don’t even remember you saying anything about her ever......

Had a good time with my friend, we chatted, watched a movie and played Marvel Champions: The Card Game

That’s great bluebird 😀

Yeah and I went and got a Snickers bar earlier lol

Even better.....

Went to this small game store and traded in games. Got like 100 dollars for 5 games, and like 3 of them were old, like 6 months or more old. Got way more than gamestop. So got 2 games and 2 drinks on the 98 dollar credit.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

That's a great idea. I'm gonna go to a cafe to read. I don't drink alcohol, but I do experience anhedonia some.

The other thing is that a lot of my books are on my digital devices -- which is somewhat of a problem, haha.

I think I need to stop subscribing to digital book services and just getting physical books again. Or on Kindle maybe because I have one of those...

Cool glad you had fun 😀