Roll Call 159!

I got up, talked to trippers online discussing whether or not flowers care if you look at them.. Like how vegetables can look offputting so all these plant life evolve to be prettier etc.. idk.. And primal brain of cats when tripping with their empathy and intelligence is noticed when you trip with them.. and their exact facial symmetry is an evolutionary advantage to make them cute so we adopt and feed them.. And they probably know it too! We talked about AI and particle or plant consciousness and fear of death and the afterlife..

Idk if you call that productive... Idk..

My mom made a coffee for me and herself. I told her not to drink coffee because of her heart condition but she likes to have one every once and a while so I let her.. I told her to take her beta blocker and she did.. Just on her watch it shows arrhythmias when she drinks coffee.. Meh idk..

Switching forums though I like it where I'm at now, which is here so here I go.
Illvoices present

Took another walk, 30 minutes, so I did about an hour total of walking outside today. It's 19 degrees and I forgot to take my gloves again

Getting tacos

I'm so irritable so I took an olanzepine just now.

I go outside and it seems like every time I have to cross the street, there's a car coming. So I have to look both ways cuz if I don't I'm an idiot. But screw cars. I go to get a haircut but the place is closed. So I walk into the employment centre and this same guy I feel like he's judging me. He did nothing wrong. Said nothing wrong. I just don't like him. So I make an appointment and walk to the gas station. I needed to blow my nose and I wait for of course someone to be in the washroom already but there wasn't. I buy my bottle of coke and don't want to interact with the cashier woman. She did nothing wrong. I just felt like she was judging me for me being in a bad mood. I walk home, cars driving everywhere judging me walking and then there's people I know and I don't want to say "Hi" to them and smile because I'm scared of them and don't want to feel fake.

Amelia's vet appointment went well on Friday. She's 10 pounds, but she feels much heavier than that. I think it is because Esther has gotten so light because she has lost so much weight with the diabetes. The vet said she is doing well, she's healthy, all her blood work was fine, etc. She got one shot and I had her micro-chipped. I never micro-chipped Esther (they are indoor/outdoor thanks to the doggy doors) but Esther always stayed in the backyard. We have a six foot high block wall, but lately we have found Amelia walking on top of the block wall so I am afraid she will go over the wall and get lost or something. So I micro-chipped her. Might as well give her the best shot at getting home, plus it wasn't that expensive. The vet said she was very well behaved. I was like, "We are talking about Amelia, right?" But they said she did good. Miracle!

I've been doing poorly. I had two days last week where I felt calm (Monday and Tuesday). And then it's like everything hit me. Depression, Anxiety, Panic attacks, suicidal thinking, urges to self-harm, and physical health stuff too, a touch of a stomach bug, a sore throat, an earache. It was like can this get any worse. I took Friday off of work last week because I just couldn't deal. I did go to the movies with my parents this weekend, and I visited a friend. I also texted some friends and let them know I wasn't okay and stuff like that, and they each texted me back. It was really hard getting through the weekend. On Saturday my Mom asked me if I wanted her to take me to the hospital, but I didn't want to go. Then Sunday I got a really bad migraine so I was sick for about half the day. I rested most of the weekend. Spent a lot of time in bed trying to get away from the dark thoughts that were enveloping me. I'm back at work today. I thought I would come back to a lot of paperwork, but actually, not that much. I did have to take some anxiety medication this morning though. I had to get some blood work done this morning too. It's always hard because of the SH scars on my arms, and plus I had some still healing wounds from 15 days ago. But the lady taking the blood didn't say anything. They usually don't. I wonder what they think though. I see Pastor T tonight. I hope it goes okay. I sort of have my verse memorized, but not all the way. It's kind of long. It's actually a block of 5 verses. I want to communicate to him how much pain and distress I've been in these past days but I don't know if I can. I don't know that he *gets* it. I see regular T on Saturday. Kind of long until then but oh well. Then I have an appointment on Wednesday, a telehealth appointment with an RN. So we will see how that goes. She's trying to coordinate my care. Sometimes it is so hard to pretend everything is okay when everything is NOT okay. HUGS kit

I have insecurities of all kinds

Edit: The olanzepine is really helping

Sleep.........

Sorry to hear SK, hope things get better for you soon.....

I feel weird tonight, just took a shower to kind of ground myself in reality

Taking a break from school work........tired.....

Yes, sometimes a shower helps me too @Blue_Bird, if I can talk myself into getting one. I can usually do that every other day or so.

HUGS @Sometimes psychotic

Sorry you're struggling SlumberKitty, I hope things get better soon

I'm glad Amelia's vet visit went well SK. That's good that you got her microchipped, I should probably get that done for my cats

It would be nice if my body could choose a temp and stick with it for longer than 5 minutes. Go from freezing to hot and back,repeat

That's gotta be one of the most annoying side effects I get from my APs. Body temp regulation issues. That along with weight gain

Seriously craving chocolate cupcakes 🧁 maybe I’ll goto the store tomorrow.....

That sounds good, you should I have some little debbie cosmic brownies in the cabinet