Roll Call 161!

Hopefully it all works out....hugs....

Home. Went to pdoc and he raised my VRAYLAR. Then went to see the person to turn my art in and he said for me to reach out to someone specific about writing opportunities. Also, he wants me to do a written piece for art collectives new blog.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Valentines Day....It just makes me think too much. Like we have this whole day set aside in the year where we are telling people how much we love them and care about them, but personally it makes me think, am I doing enough on the regular days or the hard days to let people know that I love them and I care about them? So it really starts to weigh on me. I discussed this with a friend on break today and she said that's true, but also she is happy for these days because it makes us question whether we do enough on the regular or hard days. I just think like when I got out of the hospital, that was a really rough time and lots of support then would have been great, and I think of all the people I know right now who are recovering from surgery or about to have surgery and if I am doing enough to show them that I care about them and their families and all that they are going through. Then I start to think I'm not and how I need to change all of that. So yay for Valentines, but wow, there's just so much more I need to be doing to show people that I care about them. It's overwhelming!!!!

That's awesome @newtus

If you awaken from this illusion and you understand that black implies white, self implies other, life implies death (or shall I say death implies life?), you can feel yourself – not as a stranger in the world, not as something here on probation, not as something that has arrived here by fluke - but you can begin to feel your own existence as absolutely fundamental.

- Alan Watts

See? Alan Watts gets it.. black white, up down, yes no, man woman, child adult, inside outside, etc etc etc..

Watching Bladerunner. Man the 80's had some rad sci fi: Terminator, Dune, Bladerunner, Running Man, A star wars or two. Also Star Wars bleeds into fantasy as well. I think what's central to sci fi, as compared with fantasy, is that sci fi has realism built in. I could be wrong though. My roommate things sci fi is for men but the genre was created by Mary Shelley, and her book, Frankenstein, might be not just the first, but the best sci fi.

I've got a big day ahead of me tomorrow. We are short men so the boss will need to work alongside if we are to have 2 sprayers and 2 back rollers. This place is huge and I can only imagine the price to live there will cost a fortune.

It's interesting to work my *** off, perfecting a skill set that demands speed and quality, with some risk, and diverse skill set. However, I look at the rest of my coworkers/friend and I ask myself If I will ever have something at a fraction of the prices of these nice places. I can barely afford to fix my car, let alone pay of students loans and have a 1 bd apartment.

Therapist appointment went well. She says I could be feeling irritable because of the meds and stuff but also I have a legit reason to be irritable and I need to work on that.

Update on meds;

Meds;
Invega Sustenna 150mg every 4 weeks (I want to decrease this to 100mg but increase it to every 3 weeks)
Vyvanse 50mg every morning (I want to decrease this to 40mg - I'll have to survive but it will help with sleep and maybe stop worrying about my heart)
Seroquel 100mg (Changed to 5mg olanzepine every night and 5mg PRN for psychosis. I also want to change to a different sleep med like mirtazepine again.)
Alprazolam 0.5mg every night (I want to change this to 10mg Valium, then 8mg, then 6mg, then 4mg, then 2mg, then 0mg every two weeks)
Atenolol 50mg every 12 hours (Staying the same but eventually 50mg every morning and 25mg every night)

Vitamins;
Vitamin D every morning
Fish oil 3x a day

Legal recreational;
Phenibut 800mg today (Decrease by 100mg every day until 0mg and then take 1.5g once a week)
Marijuana (A small bit every night).
Coffee (One coffee a day)
Nicotine gum (Try to take only a few max every day)
CBD (50-100mg at night)

That's it!

I’m exhausted from creating. Writing, art, etc.

I’m gonna spend my weekend on my Nintendo switch if I can.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I haven’t been on here much lately. I’ve been okay. Anxiety getting to me here and there.

I started seeing a psychologist last week for anxiety. Mainly social anxiety. I’m bad around people. I get real anxious and start dissociating. I’m working on it. I just saw her for the second time yesterday. Going over negative thinking it was hard.

I felt some dissociation and derealization the other day at work. Tried to use some grounding techniques the psych had gone over with me. They helped.

Aside from that my mood has been pretty stable. Haven’t been psychotic. Just anxious.

Hilarious story:
I came into apartment 1, and smelled aging fish. It was so potent!!!! It smelled like it's been rotting for years. It smelled AWFUL, and the further I got to the source, downstairs, the worse it got. I asked my coworker, who was vacuuming, what was going on, and he just shrugged his shoulder like nothing was wrong. So I told him it smelled awful. I thought it was him, like, dude take a shower, but it couldn't have been. Then he said he smelled it too. So I had him help me retrace his steps and it led straight into a drainage in the furnace room.

Get this: He put the vacuum nozzle INTO the drain and sucked out human waste, and it soaked the bag, and there is an exhaust to the shop vac, so that's why it filled the entire apartment, all 4 floors, with piss stench. I had to walk away, and then he continued to vacuum, and I left, but then I went back in and I told him he's going to need a new vacuum bag, and do a quick cleaning of the entire shop vac.

The poor kid, he was yelling at himself, and he wanted to punch whoever did that, but I didnt want to tell him it was his fault (or whoever didn't cover it in the first place. He was screaming outside. Dear god that was crazy. Never in my life has that ever happened. That poor guy.

I better do something productive before I get tired and can't anymore

Sounds beautiful!

Going to a Women in Leadership conference tomorrow

Yes, I noticed you haven't been here much. Do you still go to the gym? I wish I could.

The 75mg CBD and 1mg alprazolam with weed cured my anxiety but now I'm tired.

I swear theres always a problem. I might go to bed and wake up at 8am this morning, take stimulant, then wake up again at 9am.

Then I'll have lots of time to do things with more sunlight..

I'll take a 5mg olanzepine and sleep. Gnight all <3

There’s a test called GeneSight. It tells you which psychotropics work for u or not. Apparently it’s the only test of its kind that is backed by extensive research. I found a doctor that does it down the street from me. And my Medicare pays 100 percent!

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Yeah I’m still going but not as much mostly because I’ve been swimming too.

I can’t seem to get into my switch at all.

I may end up doing nothing this weekend. I have a feeling I will. And that makes me feel guilty.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

That's excellent! I used to swim, I love it, and it's such good exercise! Go you!