Roll Call 163!!! Dancing Chili

I'm having writer's block again. The only thing that fixe that is research and jogging down ideas with my pen. It's really tough to understand that subconscious with metaphors, to make the heroes journey within a dream, especially when there is only one character left in the cosmos. Maybe I was too ambitious. I can't get past 11 pages. I read some Jung, but his books are enigmatic, with terms that are just glossed over and not thoroughly analyzed. I think I have a book idea from my textbook on personalities that may be of use.

I wish I believed in karma

I'm starting to freak out about my sleep-wake cycle and researching everything about decreased muscle sympathetic nerve activity (What ever that means), blood pressure, heart rate, everything about sleep... I'm freaking out..

Why are they pressuring me so much about the zopiclone? My mom takes a benzo every night to sleep and has been for 2-3 years..

What if it stops working? Why do other sleep pills make my heart beat weird? Have I caused damage with stimulant abuse? Then why do my ECG's come up as normal? Why couldn't I breathe last night?

I'm freaking out.. and my mom isn't getting sleep and she's stressed AF!

I don't think I'm going to live long... I think I'm cured of schizophrenia.. Almost... And the soldiers.. Why did they say those things? I was in a different realm in the camera chat... No one says those things to me in real life...

I try to learn to meditate idk I just keep thinking and it's all garbage.. I need to keep my mind off of the insanity but they need to leave me alone about the zopiclone.. I don't have time to change my sleep for 3 months and then it will work... Idk why they are judging me about my sleep...

I've had sleep problems since I was 16-17.. it's been years now.. I never got a sleep test... Why? They gave me a stimulant... What about the clonazepam overdose? I keep thinking about all the what the people said to me in the psych ward.. And what happened..

I don't like my environment.. I need to change it.. I'm uncomfortable

Karma doesn't include birth-death.. It includes the universe.. I don't believe it has anything to do with us.. We are insignificant to the universe..

Karma is complete when we reincarnate forward to infinity back to exactly now.

There's also an idea of karma that if you treat someone like ****, the rest of society will find out and cast you out. But there's also small exceptions where someone can get away with it.. Many people get away with it most times in certain situations as well....

There’s a few people I wish die a painful death.

Third Eye Blind- Semi-Charmed Life
YouTube

Jesus christ this song about meth.. The guy has narcolepsy and was self medicating D:

Many people with narcolepsy self medicate with it.

Third Eye Blind - Narcolepsy
YouTube

It's a very crazy thing in this life.

Took a shower then had some cake. Relaxing for the evening. Getting up super early tomorrow to get the rest of my grocery shopping done. Then I won’t have to go anywhere for a couple weeks.

Gotta clean and do laundry too

Idk why but linkedin is the bom diggity.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

<3.....

Me too. But I try to be optimistic and say "**** it".. Or just plain nihilistic and say "Poor me.. about what has happened.. I suppose I'll try and avoid it or not think about it"

Idk.. Some people are just plain faulty and need to die. They were born or raised wrong and won't change. They just need to die.

I’m cleaning too. The dishes and kitchen. Went to my dads yesterday to do laundry since they closed the on-site laundry place in the complex cuz the Coronavirus.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

How is everyone doing?

You all seem complicated and chill

Gabapentin has me extremely calm yet hypomanic. I’m getting stuff done. It always does this to me.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I'd love to be enthusiastic like I always do about chems.. "It's like phenibut.. If only we had meds that made us perfect all the time".. But as reality is, I don't know how long I can hang on. Why?

Because I see people struggling and taking it too seriously.. The side effects of addiction.. Maybe I'm some gem, psychonaut enthusiastic pharmacist that can cure the psychological cancer of depression, etc..

I have a dream.. The way I'm authentic with chemicals and see them positively.. They can kill me.. But I learn from mistakes..

Rehab was very uncomfortable for me.. They all wanted to quit but they were fake and some were purely evil and shallow.. 99% did not quit when they got out.. Many didn't even complete the course..

I talk about psychedelics like the world doesn't know.. Cuz it doesn't.. Making them illegal when the Egyptians gave us a code with the pyramids.. We'll all be speaking in mathematics and physics in 1000 years.. A touch of uniqueness in description, the art.. the flaws make it all worth it.. the struggle to balance it all..

While I was writing this in the living room, my parents looked at me because they were talking and I wasn't listening.. I'm focused.. They said, "You haven't changed.. You're just like a baby.. Sitting in the corner.. Making structures with your blocks"..

But what did I write? Is it important? Am I getting somewhere? My mind is always active... analyzing the importances..

Gabapentin is good @ Newt.. Don't take too much though cuz a low dose is like a nootropic and helps you focus.. Higher doses make you stupidly unfocusedly manic.. Cuz yknow I always thought depression without brain fog is like realness.. The anhedonic type makes you more REAL.. Not caring everything.. But at the same time, trying to get out of that feeling.. Yearning for happier passions and wanting to feel alive..

Meditated for a total of 4 1/2 hours this throughout the week

Negative: Since I'm having writer's block, i'm coming to terms that I might need to either make progress or... side cart that and bootleg with the Romantic Rebellion anthology. I feel empty because I'm not making great progress for my story. It's putting me in a funk and making art is the only thing that cures it. I'm just not smart enough to figure this out yet it seems.

Positive: Put my mask on and braved it at the grocery store. Bought everything I need but I couldn't find ground mace, it's a spice. In fact, the spice section barely had anything, and it's a Walmart. What's up with that?

I made some delicious chili!!!! Turned out perfect like always. I made cream chipped beef on bread for breakfast. I'm really loving this and I'm glad im getting in the habit of it again. I forgot how easy chili is to make. I should have groceries for at least a week now. Still watching West World on HBO Now. It's great

I really liked this post. Don't stop writing. Seriously.

Finally found toilet paper. Got up super early today and was able to get a 6 pack while finishing up my grocery shopping

I wish I had a mask for when I have to go out grocery shopping.

Someone shopping was wearing a full gas mask... that was kind of weird to see

Was gonna put off laundry till tomorrow but I listened to a motivation meditation then did the dishes and put a load of laundry in

This older guy who lives in the building has dementia, he's really nice, anyway, he wished me a merry Christmas yesterday lol

Feeling thankful I don't have to leave the house again for at least 2 weeks

Laundry is done. Tomorrow I'll clean the whole apartment.

The hospital down the street is taking in downstate (NYC area) covid19 patients. We have a lot of cases here but not anywhere near as much as downstate, now it's likely gonna get a lot worse.. I'm glad I'm stable and not having to go inpatient during this time...