Roll Call 163!!! Dancing Chili

Nice colors!

My aunt sent me a video of her neighbourhood car alarms going off at 7pm for the medical workers.

Why do I only sometimes feel that things like these are a good thing? Is it because of my anhedonia? I can feel empathy in the background but I'm too scared to feel it. I feel like it's a scary video game. Is that because of schizophrenia? Autism? Anxiety? I think I could be having a flashback or a panic attack is starting..

My auntie is always on MDMA.. Always.. (Naturally). So is my mom and sister.

When I'm on MDMA, I would participate if I lived there.. But right now I'd be scared of the noise.. Idk... Maybe it has something to do with autism..

But I don't mind noise most times.

I don't care about abortion.. If I don't know about something, it doesn't exist.. If there was no one to witness reality, it wouldn't exist.. But people fixate on things.. Maybe I've been fooled so many times and manipulated so much that I'm not moved by this REAL alarm. There's just so many things in my head that I can't focus on one thing.. Or one cause.. I want to know ALL.

I'm an innovator.. Or would be if I didn't have mental illness like anxiety and panic attacks or stress and lack of patience.. I would prefer to do medical research and philanthropy for humanity.. Cuz humanity is all that is real to us together.. Although my fantasies and imagination are really what are more real to me.. Autism? Schizoid? My magical powers to control reality like a video game.. Schizotypal?

Maybe I'm just too smart.. Or too stupid.. Who knows..

I get windows of hedonia and content, extreme empathy, participation in society, focus, motivation, spirituality, etc... But I'm not the same all the time.. It's like I'm moving through flashing pictures and I'm constantly morphing and changing state not in sync with my reality.. And people don't understand... One moment I can be talking or feeling a certain way and then the next moment, people see that I'm changed and they don't understand so they judge based on the current moment..

I'm so ****ing mentally ill man and I'm not saying that in a good way like some people do at all if you think I am. Or maybe I'm not mentally ill.. Maybe I'm confused.. But isn't everyone confused? What does it really mean to be confused? To not know a solution? No one knows everything... They can't possibly be OK all the time either...

My mom said that I'm not a bad person if I don't want to follow social media trends and that it doesn't mean that I don't support the medical workers.

I'm just an introvert. That's all.. And very sane.

Tweaky I live you like a brother man. I’m sorry things have been rough on you. Hang in there because we don’t know what life has in store for us. But like I hear... if you don’t do stupid stuff while living than you’re not truest living. Not saying get back into booze and drugs. Take chances and do what makes you happy.

Thank you for this!

You’re a good person and don’t let people tell you otherwise. I’ll have to beat some *** whoever screws with you!

You're a good person too but you may not believe me! You've been beaten down too much...

And it's horrible that you've lost loved ones that you really loved to lift you up - That love is lost..

I'm not sure. I've never lost a friend or family member before apart from my grandfather but I didn't know him that much.

Haven’t felt like sleeping in at all. I wake up in a fret scared that I was going to die and leave my family and never see them again. I’m hell bound when I die. They’ll take me away into nothingness. The circle ends. We all are insignificant star dust. If I don’t think there’s a heaven or a hell. I believe the dead talk to me. Our bodies... microorganisms... I believe I have my own personal hell. I’m responsible for people’s death. I’m responsible for not reviving them. They’re stuck in the spirit and the earth realm. We’re all gonna die once people start blowing **** up and we all die

Losing my grandmother was one of my childhood fears. She’s been gone since 07. I was her baby. Not my moms baby but hers. That’s what she said after she had brain damage from surgery. She remembered me. I was her world. I didn’t have a lot of support when she died. No one cares how I felt when she was sick and dying. It was surrounded at what my moms feeling and how my mom was doing. My grandma was like my mother too. She ****ing raised me and she was my rock in a **** childhood. Into teenage years I didn’t have a rock to hold on to.

This is the type of stuff spinning around my head at the beginning of my bad trip. I was holding my head and curling up in a ball and then stretching out and grabbing anything that I could hold onto and squeezing it. I felt like HELL. Literally.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way..

Try distracting..

Up and waiting to go to work....

Dealing w massive anxiety abt having to work during a pandemic...

Morning

Took meds and had a few sips of coffee.

Started my Animal Crossing day on my switch. Gonna come back to it later. I was able to merge funds from my old account to my new one. My Nintendo acct.

Waiting for packages today!

Cooking chili today too.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I have a package coming today. It’s the maple syrup

I have a secret package coming as well!

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Plus I'm getting a care package from the apartment complex today 😃

Just got the care package. they set it up where you go through the room and take one of everything, plus 2 rolls of paper towels and 4 rolls of toilet paper. They gave out a full thing of laundry soap, a bar of soap, and lots of food, plus an activity packet

Well that was funny lol. Never knew anything that ever existed

The accountant mirrored my laptop and went through my unemployment account but the unemployment agency might not have sent the letter I needed. She did see one that said to send my driver's license and social security card, so she did that. Maybe it will work. She also said it could be because they don't have enough employees at the unemployment office to do all the paperwork and that could be the problem.

We can't call, we can't send a message, we can't chat over the internet, it's a complete system failure.

I’m craving chili now since you mentioned it newtus 😋