Not feeling too great

I've had a depressing time. Now I'm not getting to deep into detail because I have no idea how much I can post. Yet, I want to see if I'm insane in a way. In a way I'm funny when I say these things but, let's get to the point. I have thoughts of pure apathy towards others in my family, towards my friends or whatever. People really piss me off. I'm sick of all of everyone's nonsense everywhere, and the **** they cause for this Earth. I don't want to live on it the way it's going, people just wont understand this though, they'd laugh at me I feel if I just opened up. I got made fun of as a kid in school and it was an all the time thing for quite a while. Now that's stuck in my mind. I still can't get out of this place where I was tortured in my head by these bullies in school or elsewhere. I still feel down and depressed all the time, I see things going on around me that depress me, and I think at times of even taking drugs and killing myself. I would like to know why I'm thinking like this or maybe seek out some guidance before I decide what to do with myself. Not that I'm necessarily killing myself. Though I hate people. I hate their ********. In a way I don't feel anything towards anyone anymore. It's all getting to me in a real personal way, like a complete let down is my life. I'm a loner and no one wants to hang it seems ever. I have schizophrenia and I hear voices and am doing fine with that, it's all good and I'm sane, sane is natural nowadays. Yet there's something else, this thought of complete hate and apathy towards every human being on this Earth. I feel we are the problem with the Earth going in the wrong direction with the environment and all. I really love animals but I can't feel for these human assholes, I'm not crazy, just please believe me I hate everyone. My own family I feel I don't want to be with most often, I don't even want to have friends and family around most often because I like to be alone now. I've adapted. Now it's like, whoever you are if you turn the wrong gear inside me I can flip and do something I might regret. I feel like hitting walls when someone beats me at a video game, and cutting their head off. It's just a impulse, or a urge. I don't like living anymore, I really don't like people around me, I don't want friends, I want to be lonely. I want to die! Yet no one gets it. They think I'm fine and jolly. Yea I hate that BS as well. If you look at me like everything's good I'll just hate that thought of you being there in my mind, in my thoughts, being around. It pisses me off truly. The voices will leave me in a completely hard time, I have to deal with it I know, but please don't judge me and put me down because of it? You get me like, people I feel feel things towards me that I don't like. I get mad because I believe people are out to make me look bad. Make me feel down because of my schizophrenia but I will do something one day I feel. Or maybe not, I feel I'm too much of a complete reject to do anything. So yea, all these thoughts, and what is it all? Depression, psychosis, some ********. I have no freaking idea. Okay so let's get deeper. What to do? I need some guidance please.

Hello schizoloner: I believe this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

At the end of your post you wrote you need some guidance. Unfortunately I think the only guidance I would be able to offer you would be to find a psychologist or mental health therapist you can work with if you're not already doing so.

Many years ago I had some of the same types of school experiences you describe in your post. And I also find myself struggling with thoughts similar to yours. I've also made 2 major attempts on my own life & done some of the same self-harming things you mentioned. But despite that, I don't think I would know what to tell you as far as how to get beyond feeling the way you do. (Perhaps other PC members will have some insights they can offer.)

Anyway... thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.