Roll call 171

I had a migraine for the last three days it finally allowed me to eat it wasnt so bad. Now its just trying to allow myself to sleep.

My moms new bf used her. He's not texting her back. I told her that he was using her and he's an asshole/sociopath but she didn't listen. So she got drunk and a new guy came over and she's just self sabotaging herself.

I facetimed my dad and told him about all of this and that it's not good for my mental health to be dealing with this - I'm trying to focus on my life but can't focus when I can't even leave my room.

I'm talking to my therapist on the phone tomorrow and I'm going to tell her about me moving out somewhere - But yeah... My mom has control over me.

I feel like a teenager - Still dealing with the bs that went on years ago. My mental health is not good. I've been trying to keep it together and if I lose it, go a little psychotic.. I'm back to the psych ward because it's not normal for me to everyone else.

I inquired to order the metabolite of tramadol make it like old times right? Be zoned out from the trauma and not have to deal with it. But I'm going to try and not do that and figure out a new solution.

My mom is going to try and sleep. I can't imagine how upset she is. I'm afraid she will die if she keeps this up.

She's going to the doctor in the morning so they can cut deeper into her skin to get rid of the skin cancer.

My mom called me from her room so I came over and she wanted my sister to come home. She told me to call her in front of her so I did and my sister said that she's not coming home and for my mom to go to bed.

I told my mom to go to bed and said "I love you - goodnight" and then she said she needed her water refilled so I came back into her room and then she said "Where is - (My sister)".

I straight up told her "Stop pretending" and "I'm not doing this bs anymore. You know exactly what you're doing. You're sick. You need to stop manipulating me".

She admitted to it and now feels like crap - So probably will ask for attention again. I'm not good at expressing emotions and she knows it so she manipulates me.

I told her that I'm speaking with my therapist in the morning so I can move out because I can't focus when she drinks all the time. The thing is, I know that people try to get away with things and blame it on the alcohol. I've been drunk and on many many mind altering substances and I still have it all together most times.

I told her that she's doing it for attention and she admitted it - Because I'm starting to realize that she has been manipulating me and my mental illness this whole time.

I can't do anything but stare at the wall

Hope everything gets better for you Desoxyn. I Just had a dr.s appointment, I have an Invega Injection Friday. No more TTI because of my insurance. I got a referral to Ascension Eastwood.

I know people have/had different relationships with their moms here. I'm just in a confused place and the moment isn't compatible with my mental state. I have to ride this out to make sense of everything.

bad headache, having to miss php

You gotta get out of there, Des.

Stay away from that Tramadol. Itwill crush ur soul.

Hugs.

Trying to muster the will. Slept. Clearly, depressed. Maybe try to get outside.

I’m really lost in life right now

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

PHP's fax machine is broken so we don't know if lab results are back yet

Yes, pretty much. And I couldn't handle it before but I'm pretty sure I can this time. I mean, after all he's not taking me off of all the meds, just one, which is Zyprexa. Zyprexa seems to blunt my emotional range so much. Anyway, I hope I can handle being off the Zyprexa.

I talked to my therapist on the phone. She says she's going to try and find a way for me to move out. There's no services available like the ones I want in this small town where I live.

She's going to try and talk to my old psychologist/psych nurse. Maybe I can live in my apartment. My mom has it in her name.

I want to get the hell out of here but my mom has control over me so I don't know where this will lead.

I'm going to be connected with the community services again and explain to the person that runs the social events that I'm too scared to go to them.

I told my therapist that I'm afraid of new people more than ever now.

I recommend a very slow taper if you’re going to try again....

Sorry things are so bad right now for you....hugs.

15 minutes of sun might help.....

They finally put more paper towels in the dispenser. I'm so glad. I was asking for about 5 days.

Everyone here is on lockdown, it's not just my roommate and I.

Anyway, my tv works. And there's Star Trek every day so far (but not Voyager).

Hope everyone will feel better soon.

For fun I was looking up job postings on some websites to see what’s available locally. Not looking for another job, but I’m just curious what jobs I could dream about with my degree.

I found one I loved with analyzing data. Required a masters or PhD and five years experience. But paid about $85,000 - $120,000 a year.

Goals.

Just popping in to say we aren't dead.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

Nice...if I ever make it to director I could make that...