Roll Call 174

My shoulder is still hurting. I've been using Aspercream with lidocaine. It helps. Not enough but it helps. It popped today so that kind of helped. I seriously need a massage but with COVID I don't think that is going to happen soon.

I sprained my leg a week ago, I massaged it myself. It took three days to heal though. Hope it gets better soon for you.

I found a grey hair! Haha it looks so cute. I’m embracing myself getting old it seems

doctor called in .5mg ativan twice a day

My anxiety is non existent today for the first time in a long time. I felt like I was in a constant state of panic for weeks

If you use it as a prn, it might be better than daily use. Benzos are very tricky.

That's wonderful that you finally had a day without anxiety.

From the front, my hair looks its normal color, but in the back there's a mixture of gray and dark. I want to dye my hair.

What color would you get?

I missed 3 appts on the phone with my school, in a row. Cuz my medicines making me sleep. Fck.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I hate to see you suffer so much, if you don't mind me asking, what have you tried?

I use to have 2 severe panic attacks a day, it's hell. ANd when We're not having one we're worried it's going to happen soon.

Have you tried benzos or ssri's? A surprise solution for me was lamictal a mood stabilizer, and before that lithium worked. I don't know why but having lamictal was a really good one. Do you eel them in your stomach rise? LIke are they physical panic attacks?

I used to want lavender but now I'm not sure. Probably my natural color, with lighter highlights.

I had a bad day today. Thank god it's over. A 15 minute lunch, my mental health is terrible. Woke up at 413am and coulnd't fall back to sleep, which resulted in frustration and a heachache. The home owners are all home so I can't say a word in public without them chiming in with a snarky comment. One guy is having trouble with other guys. The boss was gone so we had to make all the decisions, meanwhile the contractor is asking us to do this and that. I want a beer so bad, but I already feel a headache coming on.

postive:
It's all over stephen. It's all over. I just put on some music. Hopefully venting about it helps. I've stayed away from politics this week so that's healthy. I had a good talk with my boss who came back from vacation just now. I made 2 pretty dope sandwiches for lunch.

So when I got really high form an edible (which was a terrble idea), i was manically laughing to a joke that my manic self thought was hilarious, "Why is dopamine called so? Because it's dope!" That's it, that's the joke. I barely could get it out i was cackling so loud. I was so high that I thought making a new twitter account "The High Philosopher" and I'd just tweet high jokes all day" What a bad idea! lol I mean, there are already those accounts, and they do quite well actually. But honestly, getting high takes up the entire day for me, and that sucks. Honestly, something that surprises me, is that I never see any of the people I follow tweet while intoxicated. Baffles my mind! They have so much stoic control, I think maybe one does tweet high, he's pretty cool.

Yeah, I'm prescribed klonopin to take as needed. I use it sometimes but don't want to depend on it too much. I'm on a mood stabilizer (trileptal) ,thorazine, trilafon, Zoloft, and Wellbutrin.

Most of the panic attacks are physical. I try mindfulness and meditation, that helps sometimes. And yoga.

Strangely enough the day I didn't have panic attacks (today) is the first day I've drank coffee in a month. I stopped drinking coffee for a month and it seemed like my anxiety only got worse, if that's even possible or makes any sense. You would think it would be the opposite

When not tolerant to a stimulant, the first few doses can cause anxiety. When tolerant to a stimulant, it becomes your friend. It wants to stick around and clings on. Without, you start to panic due to lack of stimulation.

I am starting to feel like things are going in the right direction. Finally.

I hate myself.

(Copy/paste from bipolar check in thread, really don't want to retype it all)

Hey y'all. Sorry for the radio silence. I've had a rough go of it lately. My last post, I was in a psych ward after...

(triggered because of explanation, not necessarily graphic nature, but could still be triggering)



That last post was on the 21st.

I started running a fever shortly after that and having some medical symptoms... on the 23rd, the psych facility sent me to the ER to get checked out after a fever of 102 and not being able to register a blood pressure. I ended up having a really serious kidney infection that had gone septic. I had to spend 3 days in ICU and another 7 in a regular room for IV antibiotics.

Then I was sent to a different psych hospital, because the one I had been at was full at that point, and spent 7 days there. So, all in all, I spent 25 days in the hospital. With two brief ambulance ride and one cab trip in there. Didnt get to go home at all during that time.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

You've been through a lot. I hope you're feeling better now. I have some of the same neurological symptoms. I've attributed it to aging and dementia but the years I spent psychotic might have a lot to do with it too. Anyway, I don't think I can write anymore. I should try though. Certain things used to come easily to me, but now I can barely do them at all.

Did they change your meds? I really hope you are feeling better, but I understand if you're not.

I can't believe it is almost 4am. Having trouble getting to sleep.