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Old 08-28-2017, 04:29 PM   #1
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Default Its all mixed up

Types of schizophrenia are so hard to distinguish from each other. They're not all the same, but I have "symptoms" from both schizotypal and schizoid personality disorder(s). I don't trust people very much and I don't see a need to be part of a family with people, or be in a relationship. I feel like those don't exist or at least from what I've seen. Some people not everyone are so manipulative of each other. I've been manipulated from school and in public I don't know who to trust anymore. Its not strange (don't judge) but I am very friendly with animals and nature. I know some animals can be very smart and can still manipulate, but at least I know its just a part of animal's personality. People I've seen have adapted to it to undermine others, and its so annoying to see. I have a very monotone voice and mind as well, but only because my emotions are constantly changing. Sometimes am filled with rage and hate, others am overjoyed in happiness. So to attempt to make everything balanced I "shut off" most of my emotions, simply because I could not control them. It also doesn't help that am very very very shy towards people, so even if am angry and in pain I usually don't let people see it, which results in me shutting off to the outside world. But that <-- is a whole other problem entirely. I've tried drawing what I see and writing a couple of times, but it caused me to severely relapse into a psychotic episode. So I stopped for awhile, but eventually I needed some way to release my anger and pain, so I started again and I relapsed... again. But instead of letting it take its course and further my lost of reality. I decided that I'd ignore it, that meant ignoring voices and ignoring whatever I'd vividly dream about. It helped for awhile, but the voices became very angry that I was ignoring them.

Oh no, sorry its so long. I just felt like typing instead of writing this time.
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Old 08-28-2017, 05:20 PM   #2
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Default Re: Its all mixed up

I didnt know schizotypal and schizoid are types of schizophrenia. My official diagnosis is schizophrenia but it seems more my main problem is schizoaffective disorder.

Totally understand the part about being secretive about emotional and other states. Those things set loose usually spell trouble. And there are so many other reasons. Living out the manic episodes usually ends in shame and regret. Telling some others and strangers about illness usually leads to misunderstanding or ridicule. Also anxiety makes hell of prolonged company and focus. Also being all calm on the outside becomes like a personality and I stay true to it...

I found this today:
that weird hidden space:
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Old 08-30-2017, 04:02 PM   #3
rainbow in the dark
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Default Re: Its all mixed up

I have schizotypal personality disorder but I prefer to leave the disorder part out because I do not think it is a disorder. I do have almost all of the symptoms or whatever you call them. I don't get voices or hallucinations, mainly delusions of persecution even though I am pretty sure they are not delusions but I can't really prove it. I started writing down my strange experiences and perceptions about three years ago just in case something does happen to me, I told my brother to look it over if I'm dead or something. Most people seem to care about money. They will do just about anything if the price is right and they can be assured nothing happens to them. That's life. I understand how you don't trust people. I tried telling some people about schizo and they say to not tell anyone. I like the link Beargaurdian has in the reply. That makes a lot of sense to me. Anyway, I don't come on here often but wanted to respond and let you know that I understand what you mean. take care.
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