Suicidal at age 40 as I was proscribed Adderall for the first time

I sacrificed everything to almost constantly study school work in hopes of a better future. No one told me that everyone else I knew was using study drugs, such as Adderall, Meth, and Cocaine to get ahead. Now that I am 40 years old, I was prescribed Adderall/speed for the first time and now I can work several times faster and do better work. Had I received this sooner, I probably would have been in Harvard at age 15 (skipping details).

Now, every time I sit down to study, it just reminds me that everyone else took a short cut, drugs, and no one cared about me enough to tell me that I was wasting away my life without this secret. I can no longer study without cutting, burning, punching, giving myself concussions, and resisting the urge to rip my entire face off and just slice my carotid. I hate my life and what it's become, but would feel guilty about dying. Please provide guidance if you can. (I tried an inpatient program but it only made things worse. There was no talk therapy or helpful advice at all. I only lost freedom there and became more suicidal. I am also in school and getting put away in the wrong place or taking the wrong medication would make things worse. On one hand, I hope there is a solution, but on the other my impulses are so strong that I have injured myself several times a day and it's getting worse. For some reason no one is even saying hi this year and I have no idea why I am unwelcome in this world and have always been.)

I returned to mature aged study at 40...and I did it the hard way, through mind numbing hard work, graduating top of the State. However....I totally appreciate that there are many who suffer from attention deficits, and therefor require stimulants to gain focus and manage executive functioning. I totally recommend that you keep an open dialogue with your prescribing doctor to ensure your dosage is benefiting you.. not hindering.

I think you would also do well to reassess your objectives JoeS21..where do you want to be in 5 years? Is the degree you are studying really what you want to do? If you feel that you are on the right road to your goals...then to hell with other students, to hell with what they do to get ahead. Try surrounding yourself with positive people who will support your dreams, if there are none to be found, then use positive self talk and congratulate yourself each and every day for putting yourself out there.

I wish you all the very best moving forward JoeS21...please remember to be kind and generous to yourself.

Studying is all I've ever wanted to do. If I were on Adderall earlier, I would have been in an Ivy League school, top of my class as a early or mid teenager. Instead, not knowing about it or other study drugs, I prided myself on staying up day and night slaving away at my books sacrificing all else that life had to offer. So-called friends joked about me, but never told me that they were on Adderall, etc. taking short cuts that could have saved my life. Not being in on this "secret" took half my life away and robbed me of being a childhood prodigy, and instead has left me with nothing at all, but foolish memories and false friends who I failed to discover until recently. All I want to be is dead. It is clear that my life will amount to nothing and that everyone in my life let that happen. I have no one to live for, nothing left to hope for, and I resist suicide by injuring by body little by little because it's the most comforting thing left for me in this world. I can only stop my tears by tearing off a finger or hitting my arm with a hammer. I do have a pet and I am trying to make a financial savings for her. Once I am finished, I will gracefully exit this world. I am still looking for an alternative, but I don't think there is one. My pet is the only being alive that I love very much and I hope she will be well cared for. To her, I am very sorry, for everyone else, you shouldn't have done this to me. Who wants to be in a world with awful people like this.

((((JoeS21)))) I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. Please seek out another therapist. I know it seems hopeless now, but trust me, you have so much to give to the world. Please, focus on healing yourself at the moment, even if it means temporarely giving up your studies - your life is the top priority. I'm sorry you're suffering and that people have treated you this badly, but you are worthy of love. I'm so sorry...

I completely understand how you feel! I became suicidal when I was thirteen and then in my late teens and by my early twenties I was there again. By my late twenty I lost the will to live. I had to find away to live again

Have you thought about making a safety plan! I had to myself because of how bad it was for me. What about positive motivation quotes to live? You do matter. You matter to us! I'm glad that You came here

Have you been feeling suicidal since starting the Adderall? I wonder if it could be causing those thoughts. Something you might want to bring up to your doctor.

I wish that I had thought about that myself! I never even thought about how some medicine can cause suicidal thoughts.

No one let me in on a secret that has made my life's work and sole passion useless. Had I known about study drugs earlier, I would have completed roughly 20 times this amount of work. Considering that, I am stuck in the life of a fool, I cannot reverse my age or increase my past productivity which would have been phenomenal on a level playing field. This is all I like to do, academic work. I never dated, never had friends, never took an interest in any other hobby. I prided myself in my work not realizing what I was missing. There is no remedy to this. I hate this reality and cannot change it. My decision is final, unless I have overlooked something which is the reason behind this post. Is there something I do not know (maybe)? Is my logic flawed (probably not)?

These days, in my experience, you cannot be phenomenal academically if left out of the study drug loop. I spent every day and night working to no avail because no one bothered to tell me I could be going 20 times faster and better, like my peers who laugh at me. Who wants this life? Not me. I wake up each day punching myself crying. I hate all people and do not want to benefit anyone. I am no longer an organ donor, no longer wait in line, and feel delighted when I see pain and suffering. I love my broken bones, cuts, etc. This is an awful place and I don't want to be made to suffer in it. Just tell me if I am leaving something out. That's all this post is for. No, I don't want to benefit others or have my suffering prolonged. I only want to know if I overlooked something about being at an unsurmountable disadvantage?

GOODBYE

To set the record straight, 1. I took study drugs, Adderall, etc. for the first time this year. Now I know that my life’s work is a fools work compared to what it could have been. As such, I am permanently barred from a future where I can fit in with peers intellectually or reach anything close to the level I should be at. I am also aware that no one cared enough to tell me about study drugs sooner which is not surprising since no one on the face of this earth has ever known me in all my life (explained below). I do not want to be here. 2. My doctors, and every doctor I can find, is unwilling to help me gain facial hair, a deep voice, and other basic essentials so that others can finally stop misinterpreting nearly everything I say or do based on my not looking or sounding like who I am, wrapper doesn’t match product, my tone of voice is not controllable or known to me when my voice I voluntarily feminizes as part of my genetic disorder. Thus, no one has ever known me for who I am. The more frequently others are around me, the less they know me and the more they misinterpret me. There is no end in sight and I admit failure in a lifelong effort to find help.

((((JoeS21)))) I'm so sorry you're suffering so much... Please, don't give up.

((JoeS21)),

I am sorry that you struggled so long and failed to be told about a medication that could have helped you. Please understand that even though it seems like others had an advantage because they took drugs to help them, a lot of this was their own experimenting and not so much through a doctor's assistance. They have been learning and know more "now" then even ten years ago so even though you feel cheated and angry, the help you needed just wasn't there before like it is now.

It's ok to be angry and even grieve what you feel you lost because you did not get to have this medication to help you. I can assure you though that you are not the only one that failed to get help due to genuine lack of knowledge. The important thing NOW is to take this medication and keep trying to pursue a goal for yourself. Honestly, a lot of people don't really find their nich in life until they are close to 40 years old. Actually, even individuals that do well scholastically don't necessary find their nich in life like you think they do. Actually people choose a field and end up hating the field they choose and end up actually changing completely around age 40.

Again, there is no need to reply any more. Op is dead. He wanted you to know that doctors and people need to let intersex and transgender people become normal males and females in their teens. If disallowed, they might not be able to develop socially. Once you get so far into adulthood and realize that you are too far behind, you know you are stuck all alone. This and what’s above. Again please just let this post sink. There is no more joes21.