advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
bartelby
Junior Member
bartelby started using lithium
 
Member Since: Apr 2019
Location: Istanbul
Posts: 19
3 yr Member
1 hugs
given
Default Apr 25, 2019 at 04:56 PM
  #1
My college-career began 10 years ago. I call it a career because I got pretty experienced in being a college student. My first college experience began in 2010. I was very eager, dedicated and brave and I decided to study physics.
I always had a neck for physics. Actually, I was always a decent student. I had a scholarship from a private high-school and was “okay” at every class. Although I enjoyed physics and natural sciences in general, I wasn’t very good at math. I never prepared for an exam, prepared a homework or anything related to school. I just listened and lived by. It was enough for me to get a C without any work done.

When I started college, it was different. I didn’t know anybody, I sucked at meeting new people but eventually I made some friends that were different than me in every level. At that time, I had no idea about depression. But in time, I started to fail every class and realized that I had to study harder. And to study harder was a lot difficult than I imagined.
I stayed in that university for 2 years. Passed only 2 exams. I didn’t even wake up to get to the exams most of the time. And there were two roads for me to choose:
– Continue and try until I graduate.
– Quit and start over.
I created a different road and started over in a different country. I thought that the reason I sucked at college was that I was too deep in my comfort zone and I had to step out of it to push my boundaries. Now that I think about it, actually makes sense. But it only made things worse.
I moved to Germany and started studying engineering physics. My family spent a lot of money to send me there. And I was feeling that pressure everyday. Moving to Germany changed nothing in my life. I still didn’t care about anything. I still couldn’t focus on anything and I still didn’t know what to do. And the feeling of guilt was just too much.
Eight thousand euro. That’s a lot of money for a small family like mine. And like that’s not enough, I was failing every class again. And had to face yet another dilemma:
– Going back to my country and facing failure
– Staying in Germany and trying to fight a battle that had been already lost.
After my first year, I knew I had to go back. Because everyday I spent there was just a waste of time. I was working part-time and getting drunk full-time. I had no social life other than bars and clubs, I had no friends other than co-workers and I had insomnia.
My alcohol problem began during this period. I started drinking because otherwise I couldn’t sleep because of guilt. Thinking I betrayed my family, I betrayed my father’s hard work, I betrayed my mother’s love… This drove me crazy. How could I go back to my country and tell them I couldn’t pass any class? What was the problem?
Whatever the problem was, I eventually found the strength in myself and came back to my country. I told my family that I couldn’t do it there and had to come back. I remember my father’s reaction back then: “**** you.”
But that was it. I had a few panic attacks in the first few months and then started my depression treatment. Right now I am in my 3rd college and everything is getting better. Probably because I’m not studying physics this time.

Addition: I have an exam today in American Theater which I'm sure I'll fail but that's life
bartelby is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
never. happy
 
Thanks for this!
Skeezyks

advertisement
Skeezyks
Disreputable Old Troll
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
17.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Apr 26, 2019 at 06:21 PM
  #2
Thanks for sharing your college experiences. I'm now what they like to refer to as a "senior citizen". But my own college career, many years ago now, was little short of a comedy of errors, as the saying goes. I don't even know how I ever made it through. But I finally did. And, in the end I completed a master's program with a 4.0 average. So although you've had some difficulty along the way, take heart. You can still succeed admirably! (By the way, I always sucked at math too.) I think people often don't recognize what a negative impact depression can have on a person's ability to succeed especially in a high-pressure competitive type of environment like college. I'm glad college is going well for you now.

__________________
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
piggy momma
Poohbah
 
piggy momma's Avatar
piggy momma loves all pigs. ALL. THE. PIGS.
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,073
5 yr Member
70 hugs
given
Default Apr 26, 2019 at 06:39 PM
  #3
I admire your persistence. I am currently a university student as well. I started uni at the age of 35. I’m now 44 and just finished my first year. That’s right - it took me nine years to do one year of school! I had to do it part time and also take a lot of time off. I’ve gone back full time and made it my focus. I plan to do my Masters after, and if all goes well I should graduate and be a registered psychologist in six years from now.

Keep pushing if you really want it. And make sure you’re looking after yourself as well. Depression is hard, but it’s treatable. Good for you for pushing through!
piggy momma is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Lost Soul Lady
New Member
Lost Soul Lady has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Morocco
Posts: 4
3 yr Member
Default Jul 13, 2019 at 08:59 PM
  #4
Hi there ! Thank you so much for sharing this. It made me feel a lot better since I just came back from the worst oral presentation ever. I was so stressed that Everything went black for a while. I started hearing white noises and couldn’t focus because I was to stressed out. I couldn’t even form a single right phrase which was so embarrassing because I’m Master graduate and this was my graduate presentation. To make things worse my dad was there. I never felt so humiliated, I just wanted the ground to swolow me. My family and I are having a really hard time, we are on the point of losing our house, and my mom has been sick for four years and doctors still cannot find what’s wrong with her.
I really wanted to make my dad proud but I just embarrassed him instead.
I cried my eyes out hating myself and feeling beyond depressed. I feel as if I reached my breaking point. I suffered from anxiety my whole life and started feeling depressed in high school and now I have an eating disorder, anemia, low blood pressure just at 22. I literally have no social life. I have very few friends that are not that close to me. I always feel that my close friends are books. I really wish that my future career would have something related to art and literature even if I'm science student graduate. So yeah your story made me realize that no one is perfect and we cannot control our destiny. I just really wish some happiness in my life.
Lost Soul Lady is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:11 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.