The Story of How Depression Destroyed My College Life (or did it?) - Forums at Psych Central



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Old 04-25-2019, 04:56 PM #1
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Default The Story of How Depression Destroyed My College Life (or did it?)

My college-career began 10 years ago. I call it a career because I got pretty experienced in being a college student. My first college experience began in 2010. I was very eager, dedicated and brave and I decided to study physics.
I always had a neck for physics. Actually, I was always a decent student. I had a scholarship from a private high-school and was ďokayĒ at every class. Although I enjoyed physics and natural sciences in general, I wasnít very good at math. I never prepared for an exam, prepared a homework or anything related to school. I just listened and lived by. It was enough for me to get a C without any work done.

When I started college, it was different. I didnít know anybody, I sucked at meeting new people but eventually I made some friends that were different than me in every level. At that time, I had no idea about depression. But in time, I started to fail every class and realized that I had to study harder. And to study harder was a lot difficult than I imagined.
I stayed in that university for 2 years. Passed only 2 exams. I didnít even wake up to get to the exams most of the time. And there were two roads for me to choose:
Ė Continue and try until I graduate.
Ė Quit and start over.
I created a different road and started over in a different country. I thought that the reason I sucked at college was that I was too deep in my comfort zone and I had to step out of it to push my boundaries. Now that I think about it, actually makes sense. But it only made things worse.
I moved to Germany and started studying engineering physics. My family spent a lot of money to send me there. And I was feeling that pressure everyday. Moving to Germany changed nothing in my life. I still didnít care about anything. I still couldnít focus on anything and I still didnít know what to do. And the feeling of guilt was just too much.
Eight thousand euro. Thatís a lot of money for a small family like mine. And like thatís not enough, I was failing every class again. And had to face yet another dilemma:
Ė Going back to my country and facing failure
Ė Staying in Germany and trying to fight a battle that had been already lost.
After my first year, I knew I had to go back. Because everyday I spent there was just a waste of time. I was working part-time and getting drunk full-time. I had no social life other than bars and clubs, I had no friends other than co-workers and I had insomnia.
My alcohol problem began during this period. I started drinking because otherwise I couldnít sleep because of guilt. Thinking I betrayed my family, I betrayed my fatherís hard work, I betrayed my motherís loveÖ This drove me crazy. How could I go back to my country and tell them I couldnít pass any class? What was the problem?
Whatever the problem was, I eventually found the strength in myself and came back to my country. I told my family that I couldnít do it there and had to come back. I remember my fatherís reaction back then: ď**** you.Ē
But that was it. I had a few panic attacks in the first few months and then started my depression treatment. Right now I am in my 3rd college and everything is getting better. Probably because Iím not studying physics this time.


Addition: I have an exam today in American Theater which I'm sure I'll fail but that's life
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Old 04-26-2019, 06:21 PM #2
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Smile Re: The Story of How Depression Destroyed My College Life (or did it?)

Thanks for sharing your college experiences. I'm now what they like to refer to as a "senior citizen". But my own college career, many years ago now, was little short of a comedy of errors, as the saying goes. I don't even know how I ever made it through. But I finally did. And, in the end I completed a master's program with a 4.0 average. So although you've had some difficulty along the way, take heart. You can still succeed admirably! (By the way, I always sucked at math too.) I think people often don't recognize what a negative impact depression can have on a person's ability to succeed especially in a high-pressure competitive type of environment like college. I'm glad college is going well for you now.
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Old 04-26-2019, 06:39 PM #3
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Default Re: The Story of How Depression Destroyed My College Life (or did it?)

I admire your persistence. I am currently a university student as well. I started uni at the age of 35. Iím now 44 and just finished my first year. Thatís right - it took me nine years to do one year of school! I had to do it part time and also take a lot of time off. Iíve gone back full time and made it my focus. I plan to do my Masters after, and if all goes well I should graduate and be a registered psychologist in six years from now.

Keep pushing if you really want it. And make sure youíre looking after yourself as well. Depression is hard, but itís treatable. Good for you for pushing through!
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