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Default Sep 30, 2019 at 11:13 AM
  #1
I have PTSD and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS). My CFS worsened during the latter part of my undergrad years. I graduated summa cum laude with all A's (one A-), nevertheless. However, I've been holding off from applying to grad school until I got my medical issues squared away. I've been volunteering as a research assistant ever since. My mentor from the past (who is now retired) has suggested that I apply now for next year, and to see what happens. I'm 45 years old, a disabled veteran (service-connected), a survivor of polyvictimization, and yet able to handle studying. I do get the occasional brain fog from CFS, but rote repetition and grit are strengths of mine that has helped me to maintain concentration in the past. My desire one day is to get both a master's and PhD in victimology (criminal justice) studies, and to look at trauma heterogeneity through a different lens. I've done research on trauma already, which was okay, but I really couldn't see myself going the clinical route due to my potential for experiencing vicarious/secondary trauma, which I want to avoid. Nonetheless, I am hoping to have the strength to do research I love, and to help from behind-the-scenes in some way. Trauma has affected my entire life - including my entire quality of life. I'm sure it has affected others. The thing is, I have so many naysayers at the peer level telling me to go a different route, save a few. Thankfully, however, I have many cheerleaders who are mentors and some peers - those who know my strengths (as opposed to stigmatizing disability labels), and those who believe in my passions toward a better life for many of us - not only trauma survivors/thrivers, but also those who are identified as minorities and marginalized persons. I'm just wondering if there are any professional researchers, including research-practitioners, who can offer me any advice for getting help if/when I get accepted into grad school. My CV and other supporting materials are strong enough to get in, but I'm worried about my abilities to maintain the workload at the graduate level, given both my CFS and PTSD diagnoses. I may have help through the VA's Vocational Rehab and Vet Center, as well as other veteran support systems, but my service-connected disability is PTSD for military sexual trauma (MST), which some in that camp stigmatize as well, or treat our service-connected conditions as less-than. That's what had kept me from receiving support for over 20 years since I was honorably discharged, coupled with my fearing running into one of the men who attacked me while in service. Since then, I've not been brave, and not speaking up about the issues caused moral injuries I never knew existed until recently - such as the though of my lack of speaking out about that issue may have caused that issue to continue, even though I'm the victim. I know enough to know that it's not my fault what happens, but my training in the police reserve academy prior to service coupled with the leadership training we receive during basic training in the military tell me that I should have spoken up, regardless of whether or not I would have been retaliated against. These specific early adulthood (not childhood) traumas have affected my ability to work fearlessly with leaders and men, though I've had some minor successes as an undergrad with my first research mentor (not so much with a different research mentor after that) and now my current research mentor (a female). I'm not sure if I could request that my primary mentor/advisor be a woman, as I don't want to come off discriminatory, but I know that will help me feel more comfortable in grad school. I want to desensitize by working with men, but I want my strongest supporter in research to be a female. Am I allowed to request that? Would that raise red flags for them? Would they understand my non-disclosure of my specific mental disabilities so that I can pursue higher education without fear of being stigmatized by the ones who are supposed to support and train me? Apart from those concerns, I'm hoping that I can start out part-time and then work my way back up to full-time, once I get some treatments for CFS primarily, and continued supportive treatments for PTSD concurrently. I'm open to any tips and suggestions. I have an interview with the director of the program I had applied for in Interdisciplinary Studies on Wednesday, and then another interview about a week and a half later with one of the professors from Criminal Justice - both women. The Criminal Justice professor looked at my research pursuits and suggested that I apply instead to their program, and perhaps as a research assistant for their lab that looks at victimology. So now I have two choices. I'll meet with them and ask some questions to make a decision - which I can do on my own in that arena. But I'm open to unsolicited and solicited advice on any of the above. Thank you for your time.
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Default Oct 07, 2019 at 01:24 PM
  #2
So, what happened with the interview?

I have PTSD from being tortured by our local police department from 2010-2012. I have not disclosed it, except to my caregivers, and I will not. They will come after me. So, I totally get not wanting to disclose. That is your decision and only you can make it.

I also don't think it's unreasonable at all to want a female as your primary mentor. I can't imagine why you wouldn't be able to pull that off.

Exciting times for you . Good luck and keep us posted!

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Default Oct 07, 2019 at 10:09 PM
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Originally Posted by bpcyclist View Post
So, what happened with the interview?

I have PTSD from being tortured by our local police department from 2010-2012. I have not disclosed it, except to my caregivers, and I will not. They will come after me. So, I totally get not wanting to disclose. That is your decision and only you can make it.

I also don't think it's unreasonable at all to want a female as your primary mentor. I can't imagine why you wouldn't be able to pull that off.

Exciting times for you . Good luck and keep us posted!
I am so sorry you went through that.

My interview went okay. I have to meet with a different professor this week and then at least one more professor feom a different department in the future. We have to pick our committee members before the final application process. I am interviewing them as much as they are interviewing me. They are all women, which is a plus. I also have to keep revising my essay application. The application is due end of Feb. next year.
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