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JustExisting
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Default Dec 11, 2019 at 01:13 PM
  #1
So, I am in my late 30s. My life has been dramatic, to put it lightly.

Ooooh how to put it succinctly?

I was not raised. I was born and then ignored pretty much.

Had a terrible childhood. No friends, no love from my family. Hated, neglected. I wanted to be a good person. I tried to be, but I was always judged to be bad.

And as a teen guess what!? I went wild. As soon as I got a car and a dose of freedom I attached to the first person who showed interest in me, and that person was a drug dealer.

So I skipped school, stayed with this DD, working for her, got arrested a couple times for possession. Did a couple stints of probation.

My HS was in a mostly posh kind of area so they didn't like me and sent me to the local "throw away" school, where there was no education, but most of the day was spent in group therapy where they psychologically tortured us into compliance.

Technically I got a HS diploma, but there is no education behind it. I am telling you they let me sit in math class doing adding and subtracting out of a textbook because of course I played dumb because I didn't want to do school work. School was basically like prison to me, I had no interest.

So after HS I didn't get arrested anymore, mostly just luck because I continued my criminal ways for a while.

BUUUUT in my mid 20s I had an awakening of sorts. I remember how curious I was as a kid and suddenly I realized that one of the reasons that I wasn't happy with life was that I wasn't learning or growing.


So I decided to try college. Enrolled in community college, but... loooong story short. I had health issues starting to creep up (likely due to the build up of unprocessed trauma catching up with me) plus my lack of experience in studying, I just couldn't cut it. I hardly lasted two semesters.

Also during this time I met my, now, husband.

I am from the USA.


He is from Canada.

LOOONG story short, my living situation fell apart and we wanted to be together. I had no choice but to move to Canada.

Immigration took years because we were broke. He has a disability which makes it hard for him to find work. I wasn't allowed to work until I got my permanent residence. So we were terribly impoverished for years.

More health issues. I nearly died. I also became suicidal.

FINALLY we succeeded in my immigration efforts.

FINALLY I could try to start working again.

But I had gained so much weight and was in such bad health. So I tried to start fixing all that and injured myself permanently. My knees are really bad.

I can no longer work the kinds of physical jobs I used to and have no experience or work history to get better kinds of jobs.

Luckily my husband did manage to find a good job so we are financially ok for now.

Oh yeah and we had a kid which has been keeping be very busy for the last 5 years.

But now I am at a point that I really want to try again to better myself, maybe find a way to make my own money instead of just living off my husbands income for the rest of my life.

But the problem is that the local colleges here don't have any classes that interest me. The college I tried before had some real subjects, like physics and philosophy that you could then finish in a 4 year school. Here the colleges are just offering things like nursing, metal work, office administration, etc.

I am not interested in studying for grunt work. I want to LEARN! I am thinking about philosophy, psychology, or one of many science fields I take interest in. So I really need to be accepted by one of my two local universities.

So finally, to get to the point...

The problem is that both schools require (this is copied from one of their websites but they both want pretty much the same thing):

"1.Biographical information (approximately 500 to 1000 words outlining what you have been doing since leaving full-time studies, your goals, what you expect to gain from a university education and why you feel you will be successful in your studies)

2.Transcript of secondary studies and/or most recent studies. Mature applicants are not normally considered for admission to Public Affairs and Policy Management, Music, Journalism, Commerce or International Business. The admissions committee reviews all applications on an individual basis. Admission requirements vary by program. Learn more about prerequisite subjects."

So my HS transcript is comical. In 10th grade I earned 3 credits, barely. And the last two years I got decent "grades" because all I had to do to get them was to show up, but they aren't classes that will impress a University, and I have absolutely no "prerequisites" under my belt.

And the Bio. THAT is what makes me sick to even think about. They want impressive people. Upstanding citizens who have been doing something with their life.


I have been barely surviving. My life has largely been a big fat waste of time. I have succeeded in nothing. I have TRIED practically nothing. How am I going to impress them with my story?

Not only the lack of quality substance, but another problem is that I suffer anxiety when I have to be the centre of attention, especially talking about myself. Even in writing. Not so much in a forum like this but for someone else to hear or read and to also know me, or in this case judge me based on it.

I have a hard time talking about my past to my therapist. Like, I get frozen sometimes. My muscles get all tense and I have to do breathing exercises to get unlocked. So how can I tell these people who are judging my eligibility for education about my sordid history?


And how could I possibly exude confidence in my success? I don't really have "confidence," but I DO want to try REALLY hard!

I have been working with a tutor for nearly a year now. We had to start at the 7th grade level for math and English, and I am learning it all up to the 12th grade level before I even try to enroll, so this time I will be more prepared academically and in my study habits. So I feel like I have a better chance now, but to say I "feel I will be successful in my studies" would be a lie.


I am also a person who is really dedicated to truth. I couldn't bring myself to lie. To give them a false history, to feign confidence. If I am on a path to self betterment and growth I want to do it as me and not some false persona...

But that all leads me to my problem here, as I have already stated. I have shame and guilt and have done bad things and have failed and failed and I am not confident, but I just want a chance to TRY! and be an honest person at the same time. And the world has shown me that there is no forgiveness for past mistakes.....

So, I am just wondering, if I can summon the courage to lay it out for them, tell them all this truth, would I stand a chance? I suspect they would be more likely to take out a restraining order.

Is it better to lie? Sometimes you have to be dishonest to get ahead in the world right? If this IS the case it is unlikely I will even try, because I don't want to live a lie.

Any thoughts about all this would be greatly appreciated!
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Default Dec 11, 2019 at 05:52 PM
  #2
I went to school for 8000 years and was a faculty member at what some other people might call a 'fancy' school. I wouldn't call it that, because a lot of those people were jerks. That said, I was really moved by your post. Your story is compelling. You have been on an incredible journey, the central theme of which, to me, anyway, is that you are someone who has and will fight and persevere through anything. You should absolutely not lie. You should tell your story. That is way, way more than enough to get someone's attention. No, it is not typical, but that's part of what makes it so compelling.

I think you should get your transcripts and all the records you need together. That will take awhile. Start working on your essay or whatever written thing they want from you. Get some help with it. Don't freak about the interview. When you interview for a job, what you do is you just be you. That's it. It's not even an interview, it's just you talking to some gal or guy. And you can do that. You absolutely can.

When I was picking my residents and fellows or hiring another faculty member, yours is the kind of story that really got my attention. People like me, who grew up privileged and went to all the right schools all the way through--I wasn't very interested in them. I wanted the poor kid from Harlem who was the first in her family to go to college. Got her, too.

I could go on forever. I am very excited for you. Get yourself a master to-do list and start checking things off. You can do this.

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Default Dec 11, 2019 at 10:49 PM
  #3
Thank you that was nice to hear. I like that there are people like you out there, who can understand that people can change. But from my experience most people who work for entities that are judging people for whatever reason tend to just be looking to check the right boxes and if you dont fit, you are out.

I am torn by the gamble. Do I try to at least try to somehow appear... not sure how to put it... upstanding, or just lay it out and hope they are the rare cool people? It feels like a big risk to out myself to my only two options for schools.

I have a lot of work to do before I can move on this. Anyway your words are encouraging. Thanks.
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Default Dec 12, 2019 at 07:02 AM
  #4
I worked at some great big schools with tons of faculty. Of course, there were people who only wanted applicants who had been at Harvard their entire life. But they were the minority. I really think you would be surprised how many decision-makers had to struggle to get where they are. My dad was the first person ever in our family to go to college. He became a rather famous and powerful MD, through hard work and perseverence. But his biggest break came when the world-renowned chairman of a tremendous training program heard my dad's story (not at all like yours, but a very impressive tale of pulling himself up by his bootstraps against all odds nonetheless) and picked him over a bunch of people from the 'fancy' schools. That break led him to what he became. That chairman picked my dad over all those Harvard and Stanford people. He chose the person, not his background.

Just something to keep in mind. Just because someone selects applicants for a living doesn't mean they have led a gilded life. They may have been homeless.

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Default Dec 13, 2019 at 10:00 AM
  #5
Thanks, bpcyclist, I am doing my best to internalize this message, that institutions and "judges" can sometimes show understanding. Seems unreal, I fear putting hope into any of this because of the disappointment I expect. But I'll just keep trying to remind myself that it may be possible.
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Default Dec 13, 2019 at 01:29 PM
  #6
Start your basics at a community college (your going to be required to take them if you are planning on a bachelor's degree). Your academic record in these courses will be your record for admission/transfer into a university. Community colleges generally take anyone regardless, so it is a legitimate way to work on your college degree and build a decent transcript for transfer.
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Default Dec 13, 2019 at 03:36 PM
  #7
Thank you for this advice. Honestly I don't really know how to navigate the whole College University system that is something I'm going to have to figure out. However, like I said the colleges around here only have vocational classes. And I guess if I'm purely studying for the purpose of earning income that would be fine, but I really want to learn for the sake of learning something that I'm actually interested in. I think if I was just going for nursing or child care or dental hygiene or whatever they have to offer I would be too bored to continue with it. I don't know how you can transfer from a program like that to something like philosophy or psychology or Neuroscience or the things that I'm actually interested in.

The community college that I tried before actually had programs like that that you can then finish at a 4-year School. But the ones here seem to be purely for vocation.
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Default Dec 15, 2019 at 08:00 PM
  #8
I feel like you're on the right track. Just expressing what you expressed in that post seems like you got something out that you've wanted to say.

I will leave you with a quote I love because I think it's inspiring.

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”
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Default Dec 16, 2019 at 06:55 PM
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JustExisting: I think you should go for an MFA in writing. That has practical application (you can become a university instructor, you can publish a book, connect with city newspapers to become a columnist, the list of possibilities with an MFA in Writing is just infinite). Or, go for a BA or MA that has practical application, like accounting or nutritionist, or scientist, or licensed teacher or licensed counselor or licensed social worker, you get the gist.
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