I don't know what is the right choice..

STORY :About 2 years ago , I got really close with a teacher . I confide in her about my problems . She helped me with them and also she helped me gained interest in psychology . But at the end of the year she got stressed and sick of me texting her and finding her everyday ( I know it seems creepy and I am embarrassed to think about it ) . She got me to see the school counselor with her . I told the counselor to not involve my parents beforehand . I felt angry ,surprised and shocked to find that they called my dad . Luckily , I requested so that my dad was not involved in the conversation . Anyhow , I still couldnt solve my anxiousness knowing that my dad knew about my thing . So I couldn't give my opinion at that moment . This conversation ended up to be worse than I anticipated. My dad was asked to care about me more , I felt awkward and uncomfortable (still the same until now). I started feeling lost , depressed and sad . I got angry about the counselor too. She requested to block me , and never contact me again . I couldn't disagree . After that conversation , I had insomnia , every single emotion is haunting me throughout the school holidays , I have no one to ask for help neither confide in , even my parents because I feel soooo awkward to talk about it(still the same until now ). The year after that, similar things happened but not worse than that and didn't involve counselor (just simply blocked me) and I just had a sudden feeling of what the hell am I doing ! I knew I ****** up and that was a mistake .( Somehow , I felt as if everything wasn't a mistake , it's just me getting "solved" in a simple and not helpful way. And I admit that I had a crush on them , I also suspect I had a few minor erotomania symptoms , I thought they liked me , I felt jealous when they talk to others)

NOW I changed and became more positive (because of bipolar disorder or any anxiety disorders) but I suspect have those anxiety disorders symptoms such as frequent mood swings , felt angry and resentment when one of them caught my attention about their presence or even sudden thoughts about what happened ( I can't help but always feel so embarrassed about what I did. ). I felt lonely too , I wished I could talk to someone who can give me comfort . I have tried greeting them and they give me a smile , which I know is a fake one

PROBLEM I felt great talking to teachers whom I had crush on (maybe because of dopamine) . And now I am struggling because there is a teacher whom I tried not to have a crush on but I still failed . I am trying my best right now to use my consciousness to stop me from texting her , finding her , although my heart felt different. But holy smokes there is literally a same person like me in my class and what he asks , talks , uses to start a conversation with other teachers is the same as mine . I felt confused how he didn't end up like me . He's sitting in front of the teacher's table and I am sitting on his left but different row . I can't help but felt jealous when he talks to the teacher I have crush on . It triggers my feeling to talk and text with that teacher , but I controlled myself. I only converse or ask questions about that subject when she is in class and every single time I see her smile at me I feel happy and satisfied , at the same time my problems are all gone for at least a day . But when I can't satisfy myself because of the other person conversing with her when there is time ( which gives me no choice but to watch and feel depressed because most of the time there is no time left) , I have a feeling of sadness ,anger ,darkness as if I am turning someone bad , and my mood changes .
So right now this just strengthen my feeling of texting her , not everyday of course. But the problem is that I felt so scared that the same thing will happen again , that she feel annoyed by me . I wanted to ask her whether she is ok if I text her and probably tell her my insecurities about texting her (eg. I felt scared that she will be annoyed) but I anticipate that she will feel awkward or I will feel awkward or both the next time I see her. I don't want that , I am struggling , I know part of this anticipation is probably biased by my experience but I can't figure that out . I am lost whenever I think about this I need advice please .... and also should I ask the second teacher about why she lied to me when I asked her whether she was ok to talk to me(she blocked me) to acknowledge that I know it and tell her not to be awkward and let her know I accept her opinions and thoughts ( tell me what to say to her and my appropriate goals to achieve while talking to her about this please) and last but not least , should I approach the first teacher when I met her ,(please suggest what to talk to her to let her know my feelings and I want to stay peaceful with her)

PS: I don't feel comfortable confiding in friends or family about this and most of all I don't want to too. I am not from the US. I am a boy . I took sanity test from this site and I scored 80+ in PTSD and bipolar .

I am sorry that you feel like the counselor's discussion with your dad was unhelpful. Sometimes it takes parents awhile to understand issues like these.

The things you have described make me feel like it might be helpful for you to see a psychiatrist. For instance, when I couldn't stop talking, posting on PC, had severe insomnia, etc--it was a symptom of my mental illness. When I am like that, I do violate people's boundaries--not in a mean way but in an aggraviting way that doesn't win everyone over. Fortunately for me, I finally found a psychiatrist that has me on the right medications. They definitely calm down my compulsive talking, thoughts, etc. How does your dad feel about having you see a psychiatrist? That you recognize that there is a problem is a great first step towards solving it!

Thanks for your suggestion , my dad probably doesn't even know what a psychiatrist is , as English is not our mother tongue. They only know a psychologist .
I feel a sense of calm and fun when I see people smile , especially hers .So that ultimately helps me cope through everything.
I hope that I can solve this without involving a psychiatrist. Anyway , my main problem is actually my present .Knowing that the past is affecting me so badly and knowing that I can't actually do anything to change the fact that I did that will help me for now. The solution to my problem has many risks , I cannot predict them ,
so I hope to get different perspectives from different people , I won't blame anyone for my actions , I will process the suggestions or actions to take and decide , I am responsible .
Thanks again for your suggestion, that helped me think of this.

The school counselor isn't the psychologist--Am I correct about this? Do you see a psychologist? When you are a minor (under 18 in the United States), when you see a psychologist or psychiatrist, the parents have a right to be informed about your treatment and this can complicate treatment if the parents don't understand or are causing a problem for the child that they don't see.

That they got your parents involved when you asked the counselor not to creates a situation where it is harder for you to feel free to talk to the counselor anymore. Even with a psychologist, it is hard to get the help you need unless you trust the person you are working with. If you do not have confidence in the people helping you, I understand your desire to "go it alone" and there is merit in trying to find solutions that don't involve a psychiatrist which would likely prescribe medication.

However, if you still can't let go of the past, my recommendation is to consider finding a professional of some kind that you can trust in a way that you can open up to them about what is going on. It could be a therapist or psychologist rather than a psychiatrist if you are not wanting to take medication though medications are helpful for some. However, there are other ways to manage compulsive thoughts, etc.--sometimes just getting into the habit of not thinking about the past by immersing yourself in new habits can slowly turn things around. Remember, thoughts create our reality so try not to think about the unfortunate incident and instead try to think about something pleasant!! When we think about an unpleasant past incident, it colors our present with negative emotions. Briefly acknowledge that that past incident made you feel bad then get into the habit of thinking or doing something that make you feel good. It takes time to train your mind to do this but you can learn!

Yes you are correct . No I haven't seen a psychologist before.
Luckily for me , I somehow managed to stop compulsive thoughts as soon as it appears on my mind . I will react by smashing table or just breathe in and out and stop myself from smashing the table.
The incident happened 2 years ago definitely made me scared to ask my teacher questions , even trying to care for her makes me wonder what if the same things happen again , what if she thinks that I have other intentions . Even when I want to text her to ask questions about something I don't know , I just can't do that , I am so scared , so i only ask questions in class. I wish to know her better , but I just can't stop thinking about how bad things could possibly end , how I will lose control and have the urge to text them once or twice a week or even a day ...
One of the most pleasant moments is recalling how sweet her smile is , I don't know why I just like seeing her smile , it kind of acknowledge my existence and comforts me ...
My trauma has been solved for about 90% , but it affects my decision and my confidence to text her ... I need opinions on this the most tbh...
Thanks for your opinion once again , feel free to share your opinions with me , it's helpful .

How is it that you get the phone numbers of your teachers?

I don't , I use other messaging apps