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Old 10-12-2020, 11:22 AM   #1
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Default Feels Like I'm Making Excuses

I was a straight A student for 3 years. Even during my most challenging courses - statistics and another one that relied on a lot of statistics although I didn't have to work equations or anything. It just taxed my brain and took absolutely everything out of me. There was a ton of anxiety and LOTS of tears over the years.

I'm currently working on my masters in Creativity and Change Leadership. People who have been through my program call it transformational. I'm a slow study lol. I did an independent study on Perfectionism's impact on creativity (this was intended to be personal development for myself). Perfectionism has held me back from a lot of things in my life - many roads not taken and opportunities missed but I actually feel like I'm making headway. Because of some personal issues and then the pandemic happening I had a lot going on in the spring term. I'm GRATEFUL for the B's that I got and I saw that the world didn't cave in.

These last few weeks I was a mess. First I only noticed the fatigue that I thought would blow over because I wasn't crying. I was thinking I needed bloodwork. The mental fog was bad without the crying. THEN the crying. And the running and avoiding. Now I've got late assignments and I feel like I owe an explanation to the professors.

So how do you explain weeks that contained:
  • Drinking too much
  • Assuming drinking is what was impacting so quitting
  • Realizing it didn't make a difference
  • Making my own weed brownies which I discovered actually makes it so that I can discuss painful things without crying which was impressive as well as a relief but they were so good, it was like, "Homework? I don't think so."
  • Chasing down d!ck

I'm bipolar mixed type so I guess that was a mixed episode.

Anybody have this exprience? How much did you divulge? I actually am registered with the Office of Disabilities though I know I gave my neuropsych testing which identified my ADHD and slow cognitive processing - not sure if I gave anything about my bipolar. I felt like as I gave my excuses (whatever I choose to say), that I could just show them I'm not just ********ting - that I have a real issue.

I got kinda close to one prof and told HER quite a bit though leaving out my entire bullet list and just admitted that I was engaging in some risky behavior while I wasn't doing my work. Explained the fog and told her if she knew the details she might think I had a deathwish. Also told her I thought I'm self-sabotaging.

Anyway, I still have to tell the male prof - he's the director of the whole department so I'm trying to figure out what to tell him. Advice?

I'm just glad I'm coming out of it.
Dx: Bipolar I, Mixed Type and ADHD w/ Hyperactivity
Meds: Adderall XR 30 mg, short acting 15, Trazodone 150 mg, Lamictal 400 mg, Xanax .5 mg (as needed).

WARNING! I have ADHD. Expect long winded, off topic responses. Your understanding is appreciated.
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Old 10-13-2020, 11:44 AM   #2
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Default Re: Feels Like I'm Making Excuses

Are you seeing a therapist? As for what to say to the Department head, keeping it simple is my thought. I would say that you had some personal issues which caused some difficulties, etc.....he doesn't need to know specifics.
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Old 11-14-2020, 10:29 PM   #3
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Default Re: Feels Like I'm Making Excuses

One) I'm on here and using this as an excuse to not get these two assignments done.
Two) I've been self-sabotaging by using addictive behaviors as an outlet, like your drinking.

Let's celebrate that we made it this far!!!!

Our mental health impacts our choices. And we use it as an excuse.

What if we took responsibility for our choices?

Instead of not helpful tasks we turn to helpful tasks. Even setting timers to keep us focused.

If I really took responsibility, I would withdraw from my grad program and get mentally ready for the stress.

Life is hard!!! And we made it this far!!! That's a win!!
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