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Attention Nov 07, 2019 at 09:33 PM
  #1
Signs Your Boundaries Are Too Loose or Too Rigid

The link above explains the difference between rigid, loose, and (ideally) flexible boundaries.
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Default Nov 07, 2019 at 09:47 PM
  #2
Rigid = Dolores Umbridge (lady in pink, Harry Potter movie)

Loose = Dobby (the house elf, Harry Potter movie)
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Default Nov 09, 2019 at 10:37 AM
  #3
The story of the Three Bears and Little Red Riding Hood. The porridge was too hot, too cold, or just right.
Landing in the warmer side would be better, perhaps.
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Heart Nov 09, 2019 at 10:39 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Blknblu View Post
The story of the Three Bears and Little Red Riding Hood. The porridge was too hot, too cold, or just right.
Landing in the warmer side would be better, perhaps.
I like that story! Makes total sense to me!

I like warm, too. Hee hee.

Thank you, Blknblu!
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Default Nov 09, 2019 at 11:52 AM
  #5
Thanks for sharing the article, Lilly.

This struggle to find the grey area of boundaries is particularly difficult for those of us with mental illness. I know I for certain have spent all my life either being the doormat (which is very lonely) or also lonely, in the isolation of rigid boundaries.
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Heart Nov 09, 2019 at 12:14 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by lightly toasted View Post
Thanks for sharing the article, Lilly.

This struggle to find the grey area of boundaries is particularly difficult for those of us with mental illness. I know I for certain have spent all my life either being the doormat (which is very lonely) or also lonely, in the isolation of rigid boundaries.
Thank you, lightly toasted!

I, too struggle with that.

Sometimes I'm too trusting, and so my boundaries are too loose. I forget the red flags, or I'm too tired to pay attention to the social cues at hand. Or sometimes I'm just too nice. This happens when someone inflates their services, friendship, or position (or when people exhibit antisocial behaviors like manipulation, lying, cheating, etc.), which is hard to detect when our guards are down, when we've been deceived, when we've been told by a T to start trusting (almost blindly), when we've experienced desensitization (loose boundaries could potentially be an iatrogenic effect of that, therefore leading to increased trust and decreased appropriate vigilance), etc.

But other times, I'm too distrusting, and so my boundaries are too rigid. Because of my past traumas, trust becomes hard, especially when I see warning signs and red flags all over the place. As opposed to blind trust, I can distrust everything and everyone. I forget that trust takes flexible boundaries and a healthy give-and-take in a relationship. For example, it's unfair for one person in a dyad to demand that the other person trust them completely when trust has not been earned. In that scenario, only one person is trusting the other without the other offering any trust back and, at the same time, without the other showing signs of being trustworthy. We, as individuals are responsible to ease into our trust, not shut it out or demand it from others.

Herein lies the problems with therapy and medicine: Such fields demand trust from us, but the person on the other end has not truly earned our trust (other than their say so and titles), nor has the other person trusted us with our stories, our concerns, and our full engagement in that relationship. Our words should be heard and trusted, over and against validation, because that kind of understanding means that the other person does care about our needs apart from their own, though both can have their needs met in some way, such as when a therapist is paid for doing a good job or rewarded when seeing a client benefit from his/her treatment or when a psychiatrist sees that his/her prescriptions are working for the client. Unbalanced trust means that one or both parties have rigid boundaries. Also, it's easy for offenders to take advantage of others when their rigid boundaries demand trust from the other - almost in a gaslighting way. On the other hand, it's easy for us who have experienced trauma to distrust others and remain isolated and/or paranoid because we are too afraid of being hurt again.

Somewhere in the middle is ideal. It's hard to find, but generally when any given dyad has a healthy balance of trust, then both parties are being trustworthy and offering trust in the other - hopefully at equal or appropriate intervals.

Reestablishing trust after losing it or having the other person do something untrustworthy is difficult. Rigid boundaries (which are sometimes required, but not all times) happen when someone shuts the person out completely. This might be necessary if the other person continues to harm or doesn't have a way to manage his/her behaviors well enough to provide safety in the relationship. But other times, forgiveness or second chances can happen where one is truly working at correcting their behaviors and showing that they are trustworthy without demanding trust from the other. Both parties work on reestablishing trust with one another, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. Flexible boundaries are allowed when it is safe to proceed in reestablishing trust, and it allows the relationship to be flexible. Not all situations deserve that though, so it is important to note that rigid boundaries are called for in some circumstances.

Too loose of boundaries involve giving ourselves away, making sacrifices, or becoming doormats. For the "martyrs" of the world, this might feel good or make someone feel that they are "good," but it can damage relationships, too. It's one thing to trust too much so as to give a person a chance to learn what love and acceptance is, regardless of their behaviors, but it's another thing to be a doormat. Flexible boundaries would state that the relationship can continue under some healthy conditions, and those conditions are stated and agreed by both parties, not just one party doing all the boundary settings. It's important for both people to have a voice, and to have a healthy balance of give-and-take.

--This is how I interpret healthy boundaries, and the time and need for loose boundaries and rigid boundaries. This is how I link boundaries to trust.

I'm hoping that more people here can offer additional tips on trust and boundaries.
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Default Nov 09, 2019 at 04:54 PM
  #7
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The story of the Three Bears and Little Red Riding Hood. The porridge was too hot, too cold, or just right.
Landing in the warmer side would be better, perhaps.
I love this story

I prefer warmer

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Default Nov 09, 2019 at 04:57 PM
  #8
The problems with therapy and medicine. (irl) I have great difficulty trusting these, they haven't earned my trust. And others of the same name have hurt and even abused me.

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Default Nov 09, 2019 at 05:00 PM
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The problems with therapy and medicine. I have great difficulty trusting these, they haven't earned my trust. And others of the same name have hurt and even abused me.
(((safe hugs))) Fuzzybear. I am sorry you were hurt and abused by those people.
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Default Nov 09, 2019 at 05:01 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by lightly toasted View Post
Thanks for sharing the article, Lilly.

This struggle to find the grey area of boundaries is particularly difficult for those of us with mental illness. I know I for certain have spent all my life either being the doormat (which is very lonely) or also lonely, in the isolation of rigid boundaries.
(((safe hugs))) lightly toasted. I am sorry you struggle with those things. I do, too.
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Default Nov 09, 2019 at 05:41 PM
  #11
I’m a mixture. I know I have some things to improve, like sharing TMI. I didn’t know that irked people until reading about it on here tbh.

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Smile Nov 10, 2019 at 06:40 PM
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I’m a mixture. I know I have some things to improve, like sharing TMI. I didn’t know that irked people until reading about it on here tbh.
(((safe hugs)))

I think we all share TMI at some point in our lives. I know I have.

We are in this boat of learning together.
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Default Nov 10, 2019 at 07:09 PM
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(((safe hugs)))

I think we all share TMI at some point in our lives. I know I have.

We are in this boat of learning together.
I think it was my reaction to trauma. I’d just blurt it out, rather robotic. When I started reading comments and articles about over sharing and TMI, I was embarrassed. . It’s still really hard for me to not do.

I’m really good at saying ‘no’, if I really don’t want to let someone take advantage of me.

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Default Nov 10, 2019 at 07:20 PM
  #14
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I think it was my reaction to trauma. I’d just blurt it out, rather robotic. When I started reading comments and articles about over sharing and TMI, I was embarrassed. . It’s still really hard for me to not do.

I’m really good at saying ‘no’, if I really don’t want to let someone take advantage of me.
For me, I overshare with some people (or online, since I see it as a place to let my thoughts flow, seeing that therapy settings is more judgmental than online settings, and I find more support online in that way). I posted about flatulence recently, but I turned it into a funny post. Still, it is a bit TMI. *blushing*

I think trauma is one of the causes of oversharing. Other causes may also factor in.

Oversharing could be from low self-esteem, approval-seeking, cultural factors that are customary in other countries or subcultures within the US, explaining things so that the other person doesn't harm you because they misinterpret you, living and being alone for a long time (which causes you to speak what you're thinking since you have gotten used to isolation), being infantilized for so many years and asked to reveal everything, being in therapy for over 10 years (which causes an iatrogenic habit of sharing too much, even if boundaries and other factors are learned within therapy), etc.

There are many reasons to oversharing.

Oversharing shouldn't be pathologized, however.

Some people enjoy "being real," and feel as though victim-blaming is wrong, thus it's not the oversharing that is the problem, it's those who try to take advantage of those who overshare that's the real problem (they are the offenders, judgers, etc.). --There's some truth in that, too.

But, to create peace in society, some level of conformity is required. Thus, oversharing can become problematic when the customs of the present society are more individualistic and closed-off. It's the culture here, so oversharing is taboo.

I think there's a time and place for everything. Sometimes oversharing helps someone else to open up, and for two people to bond. Other times, oversharing is embarrassing, intimidating, or offensive. It all depends, which is why boundaries often change with different people and/or different situations and/or different settings.
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Default Nov 10, 2019 at 07:46 PM
  #15
“to speak what you're thinking since you have gotten used to isolation), being infantilized for so many years and asked to reveal everything,”
^OMG, yes, these reasons, too! Also, within my FOO (family of origin) there’s nothing held back. I assumed everybody did it.

Also, I have felt like it was a getting to know the other person, as they’d open up to me, too, and tell something intimate. I never thought it was something ‘wrong’ until I read about it on PC in comments or articles.

I was fairly selective about what I did share while “over sharing” though. I didn’t think I made the other person feel uncomfortable or hating to hear what I was telling.

When I got on here, I unloaded all my stuff, posting away with my issues. I got wonderful support and feedback here. I had not had such good experiences with private therapy. I don’t regret that sharing on here because I think it really helped me in the long run.

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Smile Nov 10, 2019 at 07:54 PM
  #16
TishaBuv,

I felt better oversharing online, too. It's a place I can just let it all out and feel supported at the same time. It's a "natural" form of healing for me.

There's a saying, which I'll paraphrase here (since I don't know it verbatim): We are broken in community, so it makes sense that we heal in community.

Online is one form of community.
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