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Old 02-03-2020, 12:41 AM   #1
Mommykins
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Smile Call me crazy

Hey there. I'm new here. Well not so new. I made an account in 2015 and forgot my information so here I am. I'm a mother of 6. I just had twins about 8 months ago. My youngest before the twins is 6 and my oldest is 9. So I have a 9, 8, 7 & 6 year old and a set of twins! Safe to say I'm a busy camper. I joined again because I'm struggling to find myself. It could be post partum, but it could just be fear. I just left a 9 year relationship and it is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Also the BEST decision I could've ever made. That guy was horrible to me. I'm struggling to live life alone. I haven't left the house yet because we just purchased a house together, however, I will be gone before my daughter's 10th birthday in March. I just hate being around him. I hate the sight of him. His presence casts anger upon me and I'm not even a mad or evil person. He has just brought that out of me after so long.
I'm here because I really need some motivation. My friends have been encouraging me to leave for almost 4 years now. Yes, it's that bad. I had to leave when I was ready.
Possible trigger:
I know I'm not perfect but I was never a cheater nor have I ever resorted to violence. I just wanted things to work out, and in the process of giving my all, even when I had nothing to give, I lost Me. I'm just trying to find myself again. Figure out different ways to love myself. I used to write short stories and poetry but my train of thought can't process one subject without wandering off into something else. I'm pretty sure it's my heart and brain battling because, although I know I deserve better and I know for a fact I'm leaving, I still love this man who has treated me so wicked over the course of 9 years.
On a good note, I decided to start writing my truth out on here anonymously. I was so insecure because of things that he told me but I decided to shut down my Facebook page for a while so I don't see him or anything or anyone that reminds me of him. That's a big step for me. I'm training myself to not think about him or what he's doing but I don't want to spend this healing process pushing him out without pulling myself back in because by doing that I'm just creating a big space for loneliness. I want to be alone but not lonely, if that makes sense.
Anywho, I want to tell myself daily affirmations that'll help me make it through the day and remind me why I'm doing what I'm doing but it's hard when I can't get my mind right. Any help is appreciated and I would love to hear from you no matter what it is you have to say. I enjoy reading just as much as I do writing. I'll post again tomorrow. Hope this gave you just a little bit of insight into who I am. Call me anything except crazy!

Last edited by bluekoi; 02-03-2020 at 11:02 AM.. Reason: Apply trigger code.
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Old 02-03-2020, 11:20 AM   #2
Yaowen
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Hi Mommykins,

I think you are very heroic. You have been through so much and survived it. That makes you a person of substance and consequence; a person of moral stature in my book. You inspire me and your post will inspire many people here on these Forums.

So many people here are living on the very edge, and your post will help them to keep going in the midst of their own personal anguish and grief. That is not only a healing gift. It is a life saving gift.

Saving lives is not just something done by those in the critical care professions.

Your post will help to save lives not by some once in a lifetime, history making feat, but in a quiet uncelebrated way. But saving a life or even helping to save a life is one of the greatest, if not the greatest thing a human being can achieve in life.

There is an old saying that goes like this: "Whoever helps to save even one human life, it is as if that person had saved the entire world." You helped me today and so to me, you are such a person!

-- Yaowen
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Old 02-03-2020, 07:25 PM   #3
Mommykins
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Thank you soooo much! I am happy my words could help you. Oddly enough, I actually am a nurses assistant. I guess that's my way of trying to save lives without the years of schooling. I think expressing ourselves is healing. Just to know that someone is listening somewhere. It's the biggest relief when you've been wrote off for so long. My days are long hut I plan to continue to write and tell my truth for as long as I'm here. I encourage you to do the same. I'm going to visit your profile and read your threads if you have any! Thanks!
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Old 02-05-2020, 04:31 PM   #4
Maestro72
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You're definitely in tough spot and making steps to get out of it are admirable. I think it's completely natural for your mind to wander. You're a mother of 6 children after all. I also loved someone who was not good for me. My therapist finally convinced me that I was in love with the illusion of who I thought this person was. Like an oasis, it was always in the distance. Breaking that emotional bond is hard, even for the strongest of people. Small, reasonable goals usually work best. I wish you good fortune on your journey!
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Old 04-10-2020, 08:51 PM   #5
Fuzzybear
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Welcome to pc
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