[GeneralRelative]

I have reason to believe that I am descending into some form of psychosis due to probable genetic predisposition and years of trauma and stress. I am starting to feel the weight of my mortality, and I feel that I don't have much time left before I lose opportunities to realize life long dreams that I have had since I was young. Basically I feel like I can see the end of my life on the horizon and I am deeply saddened and disappointed that so many major things in my life never happened, and I'm just going to be cast into oblivion with all my regrets far outweighing my achievements, and most of my achievements losing their value.

I'm not married, have no children, and I am about to turn 36. But with everything that has happened to me and my family over my lifetime--especially in the past 2-3 years--I feel like I could be 70 by now. It has been an absolute ****-show. So many people have suffered life-threatening, life-changing, agonizing health complications, traumatic interpersonal drama, neglect, major financial loss...its just been shockingly, jaw-droppingly awful for so long. And there is no sign of it slowing down.

I feel so completely derailed and confused. I have a strong feeling that its my responsibility to stay with my family (parents, siblings, aunts, nieces/nephews) and do whatever I can to support them all through all the horribleness that keeps happening because they have helped me in the past, and they need all the help they can get. But at the same time...I honestly kind of resent them for putting me in this situation. As tragic and stressful as the circumstances have been, many members of my family have been frequently intolerable and occasionally abusive, and if I'm being honest, I feel like some of what is happening now could have been avoided if they had made better choices, and its aggravating that I have this sense of obligation to help them through all this when at least some of it they brought onto themselves, because it means I have to give up my life-long desires because of other people's decisions.

I don't know how to resolve this conflict. The things I want to do with my life are mutually exclusive of supporting my family as long as *** keeps hitting the fan for them. If I stay and help I will forever regret that I didn't pursue my dreams. If I put full effort into going after what I want then I'll feel forever guilty and remorseful for not having stayed and provided what I could, until I become numb to those feelings, and I know at least some of them will judge and condemn me for it. Plus, I don't know what I would do if something happened to any of them and I wasn't there.

It feels like right now I'm more defaulting to staying and helping out. But this partly comes from feeling like maybe I don't have what it takes to pursue my dreams because of my own shortcomings and failures, and I am afraid of wasting my energy or taking ineffectual, dangerous risks trying,

I know that some of my peers have had to make sacrifices in their dreams or careers in order to come back to take care of relatives they left behind. But usually that is temporary. In my case, though, I have no reason to believe things are going to get better.

[walkingthecow]

Sorry you are going through such struggles. I have found help through supportive people in my life while also seeing mental health professionals and taking meds.

I hope you are doing okay today and be kind to yourself.

[GeneralRelative]

Originally Posted by walkingthecow

Sorry you are going through such struggles. I have found help through supportive people in my life while also seeing mental health professionals and taking meds.

I hope you are doing okay today and be kind to yourself.

I don't really have anyone in my life who I can trust and who isn't part of the issues I'm currently struggling with. Everyone in my family is part of the problem I'm trying to overcome, or they're overwhelmed with problems of their own and they don't have the mental or emotional bandwidth, or there are major incompatibilities between our values and beliefs and general perspectives where they just don't understand what I'm dealing with.

As far as mental health, I have been moving from one therapist to the next for years trying to find help with all the difficult situations I keep facing but none of them ever seem to know what to say or do. The most they will do is basically just sit and listen and encourage me to talk more about whatever the latest difficulty has been, and occasionally offer generic suggestions, or ask clarifying questions. It's mostly just me dumping the latest difficulty onto them and getting blank stares back or "I feel so sorry for you."

It's like every time I find a therapist who seems to be able to specialize in whatever issue is going on, something new happens that is outside their gamut. It's also so hard to find a therapist I can trust and who will see me, and I'm tired of having to restart the therapy process. I have lost track of all the therapists I've gone through over the past 10-15 years.

I am cautiously approaching other types of mental help professionals, but past attempts have always met with issues. I have yet to find one who makes me feel safe and heard. I am also unemployed and have no income, and that makes it difficult to have access to the help I need.

[walkingthecow]

Yeah, I had therapists through the years and the one I see now is really good for my situation. Same with my pdoc and adjusting my meds. I go to support meetings to talk with people, also.

I meditate now while I go through a morning routine of positive things to remember. That's how I start my day and it helps me start off the right foot.

Do you have any hobbies or interests to help you relax?

Oh yeah, what I never learned before is too focus on the solution to the problem instead of focusing on the problem itself. I write down the problem, do some research and ask myself if or what might be the solution, as well as talk with my therapist.


Well, I hope you can find some help and stay strong.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

@GeneralRelative, you are probably a difficult patient for therapists because of your high intellectual capabilities and expectations. Regarding psychosis, of course we cannot diagnose on here, but just to let you know that from what you have written so far, you only exhibit a general existential crisis; there is no evidence of delusions. How do you define psychosis? What makes you believe that you are descending into psychosis? What symptoms are you having? You wrote about multiple therapists in the past 10-15 years, but do you have a medical prescriber? If indeed you are entering psychosis, you need a prescriber. How are you paying for your therapy if you are unemployed with no income? Do you have savings? Do you have health insurance? Can you afford a psychiatry? Why aren't you on the job market? Is it because you need to help your relatives full time?

These are some questions that your posts raise for me.

[GeneralRelative]

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

@GeneralRelative, you are probably a difficult patient for therapists because of your high intellectual capabilities and expectations. Regarding psychosis, of course we cannot diagnose on here, but just to let you know that from what you have written so far, you only exhibit a general existential crisis; there is no evidence of delusions. How do you define psychosis? What makes you believe that you are descending into psychosis? What symptoms are you having? You wrote about multiple therapists in the past 10-15 years, but do you have a medical prescriber? If indeed you are entering psychosis, you need a prescriber. How are you paying for your therapy if you are unemployed with no income? Do you have savings? Do you have health insurance? Can you afford a psychiatry? Why aren't you on the job market? Is it because you need to help your relatives full time?

These are some questions that your posts raise for me.

Thank you for this thoughtful and helpful reply. I intend to give it the the full consideration and response it deserves. I will reply later when I have had an adequate opportunity. However there is a high chance I will be taking a new job in the next week or so at a local grocery store produce department. I don't know how that will work out, so...stand by.