Just an update

Yes! I am still alive and well. Ha ha. Thought I would let everybody know that I am ok. Been having a lot of change in my life and am working hard to incorporate new thought patterns. Takes a lot of energy.

Have I been on since I got the new job? In may I was at my wits end with my job. It was really sucking. One night I dreamed about a little pharmacy that is about a mile from my house. The next morning I looked in the want ads and there was a notice that they were hiring. I went down and got the job! I work mostly in a small post office they have on the site. We mail perscription out to our customers who can't come in to get them. We also do most of the things a regular post office except express mail and international packages. We sell stamps and ship packages and stuff. It is a good job. I got a little tired of it though when I worked 40 hours a week 7 weeks in a row for my co-worker who went out on medical leave. I am not made to work full time. I was having major coping problems. Now she is back and I will be averaging 28 hours a week which is good.

I am in the process of building a meditation room upstairs. We have a little space under the eves that wasn't being used for anything. It was all bare timber. I have dry walled it and made built in bookcases. I am in the mudding process on the dry wall. When it is done I will have a place to go hide and cry and do art and all that good coping stuff. It was my therapist's idea. She said "carrie you have safety issues, you need a space of your own with a locked fire box for your journal and a space where you know no one will bother you." Ok those weren't her words but that was the gist of it. So I thought that under the eves was perfect. It is a cozy space, just right for what I need it for.

Talking about therapy, I am going every week for an hour instead of 2 times a month for 1 1/2 hours. It going well. I just got a perscription for Xanax. I had a particularly bad episode and did some injuries that scared my therapist. Heck, it scared me. She stayed cool while I told her about it. When I said that at several points during the activity I wished I could just take something to help me she said it would be a very good idea. I am not taking any other meds, I have been off them for a couple of years now. I do well most of the time but some episodes are just too over whelming. So she wanted me to have something the was fast acting and short acting just for when a really bad episode hits and I am no longer safe. I had an anxiety ridden week this week in anticipation of going to my doctor to ask her for the medication and having to to tell her why. I didn't want to to to my psychiatrist. Just thinking of him makes me feel like I am broken. So I went to my gynecologist whom I have been seeing for 14 or more years. I felt I probably could trust her because she has always been nice and listened well. I was still scared though. But she was wonderful and got me the perscription. She and my therapist discussed what they thought would be best and we will go from there. Most of the time though I am able to work through my urges on my own so I probably won't need the Xanax much more the once a month, particularly around my period.

All in all though I am doing very well. I got pissed at my husband a few weeks ago. I told him I was angry at him. He said that it hasn't been easy living with me the last few years. I told him that it was perfectly ok for me to be angry at him for cutting some of my plants down and that nothing that has happened over the last few years had anything to do with me be mad about the d**n plants. I was so proud of myself. I was able to not let him send me in the BPD frenzy of trying to make things better because he might lose patience with me after all these years. Ha. It was a big event for me. Of course after he left for work I became a quivering sobbing mass as I tried to cope with the whole thing. Sigh. But I was strong and confident during the interchange.

I guess I better go. This is getting long. Sorry about that.
Carrie

((((((((((((((Zenobia))))))))))))))))) How awesome! Glad to hear such progress. You go girl!

((((((((Carrie)))))))))))

It's so good to hear from you! Thanks for the update. You ae such an amazing and inspiring person.

Your meditation room sounds wonderful. I want one. It would be so nice to have a place that was just mine, where the kids would not get into my stuff. The only space that comes to mind in my house though is the space underneath the bathroom counter. It's built like a built-in desk, and that space is just right for me to sit in, but my husband looks at me funny if he catches me, and he threw all his diving equipment there so now I'd have to get that stuff removed. And find a way to make it secure, too.

Anyway, Carrie, I'm just always so impressed that although you always have challenges to face (and all of us always will), you face them, and you come up with strategies, and your strategies work, and if something doesn't work, you find another way. You are my inspiration.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Zenobia}}}}}}}}}}}}}
so proud of you.....your such a inspiration and encouragement to me.....

It's great to hear from you and I am glad you are doing so well! ((((((((((((((((((Carrie)))))))))))))))))))))

That is so awesome. It is nice to hear that things are working out. I'm glad you have a space you can make into a meditatoin area. You are really lucky to have that and have people supporting you.

thank you everyone for your replies. I made a choice a long time ago that I was going to get better. I have dedicated myself to that indeaver. It sucks. I mean it reallllly sucks sometimes. Right now though I feel like the hard part is behind me. I know that feeling is a load of dung because I have experienced the feeling before then my therapist and I just dig a little deeper and SURPRISE there is another pit of sludge to pull myself through. And each new pit is deeper then the last. Still I can't give up. It is amazing when a new realization comes through. Like my husband playing the victim when it comes to his job and the part that victimhood has played in our relationship. This is a new view that I haven't worked all the way through yet but it was like a lightbulb flicking on day before yesterday. All of a sudden I had this insight to a HUGE part of my behavior in our relationship and how it worked with his behavior and how I just didn't want to do that anymore and how it isn't going to be all that easy for him to give it up and how it is just going to SUCK getting through this new bit of change. Ha ha.
Carrie

((((((((((Carrie))))))))))))

I don't think anybody said it would be easy, but it has to be worth it. Nope, I'm sure that it isn't fun for you all the time, but you're so far ahead of where you were, and you just keep on moving forward, and you sound like you know where you are going. I've always believed that you would make it.

Carrie, you sound GREAT, girl! I'm glad to hear you're doing so well.

XOXO
Candy

hey you sound better to me than you used to you know? 'bout time somebody broke away from these walls we have huh? nona