A success

I have had a rough 12 hours. I discovered my husband forgot to pay the housepayment which I made the check out for on the 12th and I found out the the credit card company is raising our interest rates because "they reviewed our account". I think that is totally rediculous that they do that even though I have been paying on time for months. And you know what. It is perfectly legal for them to do this sort of thing and it is also legal for them to call you at work and harrass you. Just thought you might like to know.

The success lies in the fact that money is a major trigger for me. I would say it is my greatest trigger. Then to have these two things happen back to back well I was thinking about killing myself. Truly I was. I could see it happening. I won't go into visual details, though the desire is great to describe the images. The images were extremely vivid. I hate that because if I can see it and it doesn't bother me, which it didn't, then why not do it?

But something occurred to me this time. This trigger is old memory, old emotion. It is traveling down very old brain pathways following an old route of passage causing old pain and relighting old trauma. Once I was able to grab onto that idea I was able to think about how it is possible to make new pathways in the brain and everytime that pathway is used it gets stronger and stronger and eventually the old one dies off and goes away...hopefully. Getting that picture of the new pathway forming in my brain blocked out the picture of the blood...and I started just bawling in the the bathroom, and crying on the way to the eye doctor for my appointment and then crying at the eye doctor when I found out I forgot to call and confirm the appointment so they canceled it and crying when I told my husband most of what is written here though I ommitted the suicidal part because he feels badly enough and I don't want him to send me to the emergency room just because I was throwing a tantrum over a definitive trigger.

The thing is I didn't hurt myself. I stopped the suicidal thoughts and replaced them with another thought. I cried over the pain that was there. It felt like I was releasing something and now I feel better. I can even come on here and joke and laugh about the stupid plumbing job I did yesterday and am rather proud of. Yes, today was a success.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

Congradulations I agree that you have had a success. Nicely done.
~D~

Good for you, I'm glad fro your success. Keep up the good work
chippie

Zenobia,
I just wanted to say Congratulations! I wish I could have used the same images and thoughts in my head when I tried to take my own life. Your story has provided me with a new strength the next time I feel weak in my life.

Stay strong,
Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>