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Old 05-21-2019, 11:36 PM #1
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Default So depressed so cutting myself again

Hi, my dad died two months ago. Iím having a very hard time coping. Partly because my sister and stepmother live out of state and I am here alone. I have some friends but donít feel like I can be real with them. My boyfriend has been doing nothing but fighting with me and telling me everything I do is wrong since my dad died. He said he is my rock but broke up with me 4 times and then came back and said heís sorry and how much he loves me. I. Canít take it anymore. All the fighting really got to me and I was so stressed about my dad and I finally decided to cut to feel better and I did. Then yesterday my boyfriend told me I had ruined our relationship by asking to spend Saturday with my friends. He was mad it was a holiday weekend and Iíve been gone a lot due to my dadís death (I went out of town for two weeks to visit my sister and stepmother). He wen on and on and finally I couldnít take it and I started throwing stuff (I havenít thrown stuff in years) and I went in the bathroom and cut my leg. He came in and caught me and helped me bandage it. Then today he apologized for fighting and said it was all his fault even though yesterday he was being verbally abusive and telling me everything is my fault and I am responsible for everything. Then he called and had a problem with me again and I cut again. I need to get out of this cycle. I know I need to get away from my boyfriend. I didnít describe everything but he is verbally abusive. Since my dad died 3/24 he broke up with me 5 times then came back and said how much he loves me and wants me. Itís too much. I cut to feel better and to relieve my stress. It had been years but losing my dad and having this boyfriend drama sent me over the edge. I hate it because i Know Iíll have scars. I feel maybe I should check into the hospital. Iím afraid Iíll keep cutting and I just feel so bad and depressed. I donít know how to get through my days. My boyfriend has made the whole time since my dad died much worse than it would have been. What do I do? Go to the hospital? Break up with my boyfriend? Get out of this state and move in with my sister? What do I do?
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Old 05-22-2019, 11:29 AM #2
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Default Re: So depressed so cutting myself again

I can't tell you what you should do, because I don't have enough information. But I could tell you what I would do if I were you. Do you have a therapist? I would consider getting one. They can help you with the grief over the loss of your dad (my sincerest condolences) and also help with the relationship drama you seem to be in with your boyfriend. It definitely seems like you are under an extreme amount of stress right now. Can you consider taking a vacation and go by yourself somewhere where you feel safe, maybe with your sister? Give yourself a break and time to decompress and think about all these things going on in your life without having to experience them. Or alternatively, might you consider taking a break from your relationship with your boyfriend. It doesn't mean you have to break up but take a step back and disengage for a little while (I'm assuming you have strong feelings and love him, but if not then consider breaking up with him). I'm sorry you feel so bad that you are cutting. Recently (this week) I relapsed too so I know that it's really hard. It sounds like your stress is overwhelming your coping mechanisms. A therapist might be able to help you with that as well. If anything, keep talking here. We are listening, and we care. HUGS Kit
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Old 05-22-2019, 11:53 AM #3
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Default Re: So depressed so cutting myself again

Hi, thanks for your response. Yes I do see a therapist. The last time I saw her I told her I cut myself. Cut twice since then. I canít get in to see her again until June 4. I got the amount of times wrong. My boyfriend broke up with me 5 times since my dad died and I took him back. My therapist told me to reconsider this relationship when he dumped me and fought with me as soon as I returned from out of state after watching my dad die in front of me in the hospital. He told me all I do wrong. She said he was too selfish and didnít care about my needs. He is always right in his mind and it doesnít matter what I do even the way I word things makes me wrong even if I say what he wants to hear me say. He makes me feel awful about myself. Then comes back a few days later and says Iím the love of his life blah blah. Iím so vulnerable I canít seem to get out of this.
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Old 05-22-2019, 12:53 PM #4
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Default Re: So depressed so cutting myself again

I'm glad you see a therapist. I'm sorry you can't see her again until June 4th. Mine is like that, where there are big gaps in between. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is doing what is best for you. It sounds like he has his interests in mind, but doesn't care about you feeling awful about yourself. That's wrong, imho. I think you deserve better. It sounds like a pattern of him treating you badly, breaking up with you, and then making up with you. This sounds like an emotional roller-coaster from hell. I don't think you need that stress. I think you deserve to find someone who treats you better and doesn't keep making you feel awful about yourself. That's not real love. That sounds like control. HUGS Kit
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Old 05-22-2019, 01:10 PM #5
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Default Re: So depressed so cutting myself again

You may also want to post part of this in the relationships and communication forum. There may be people there that would give you better advice regarding your relationship. I'm not great with relationship stuff, but I can definitely talk to you about the cutting. HUGS Kit
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Old 05-22-2019, 11:07 PM #6
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Default Re: So depressed so cutting myself again

I agree with your therapist about the relationship with your boyfriend.

He is not treating you in a way that is healthy and healing for you.
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Old 05-23-2019, 02:12 PM #7
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