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Default May 19, 2019 at 07:25 PM
  #61
(((((((Kit)))))))

You did a great, excellent job over a long period of time!

Maybe you feel sad now, , but also remember how well you did.

When you are ready you can start another good long run!

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Default May 20, 2019 at 12:34 PM
  #62
Thanks Bill, it might take me a few days to get out of this cycle. I got to 98 days before I relapsed, so that's really good. I didn't make it to Pentecost though. So I'm a little disappointed in myself. HUGS Kit

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Default May 30, 2019 at 03:03 AM
  #63
Haven't been here in a bit. Sorry to hear you didn't make your goal but you still did so well! How's this week going for you?
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Default May 30, 2019 at 01:40 PM
  #64
Hi MsSunflower. This week is going better. Last week was a mess and I SH-ed on four days, but this week I'm clear of that now and trying to make it the rest of the way to Pentecost without any further SH. Maybe it's not a perfect path, but getting there in the end is still important to me. HUGS Kit

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Default May 30, 2019 at 06:06 PM
  #65
Thank you for the update Kit!

I agree that it is good to hang in there and aim for Pentecost again.

You have accomplished a lot of good things in the past three months and I know that you can keep up the good work!

Hugs!
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Default May 30, 2019 at 06:14 PM
  #66
Thanks Bill! Sometimes I gotta remind myself to get up when I fall down. =)

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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 06:35 PM
  #67
That's okay. We all have set backs. I'm glad you're trying again. We believe in you!
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Default Jun 03, 2019 at 01:35 PM
  #68
Thank you MsSunflower. I'm working on it. One day at a time. It's nice to know people are rooting for me and believing in me. HUGS Kit

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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 08:44 AM
  #69
Thinking of you today SlumberKitty!

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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 07:35 PM
  #70
Me too. How've you been?
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 07:52 AM
  #71
Hello SlumberKitty!

How have you been?

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Default Jul 05, 2019 at 05:37 PM
  #72
Hi Bill. Things have been crazy. So I haven't been around much. Hopefully I'll be around much more soon. How are you? HUGS Kit

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Default Jul 06, 2019 at 08:01 AM
  #73
I’m doing well, Kit, thanks for asking!

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Default Jul 06, 2019 at 03:06 PM
  #74
I had T today. Talked to my T about my SH thoughts. They have been pretty bizarre. She thinks SH is a symptom of the depression, which is a symptom of unexpressed anger. Oh joy. So I was dissociating during session. But she helped bring me back. I feel more stable now than this morning. Good job T.

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Default Jul 12, 2019 at 12:18 PM
  #75
Tomorrow will be 50 days, but I'm struggling today. I'm trying to make it until the end of the month. Failure looms large. I haven't cut (yet) but it's there, right below the surface. Trying to get distracted. Trying to figure out why I am feeling this way. My T thinks it's unexpressed anger. I really don't feel angry but she said it's shoved way far down under a layer of terror so it's hard to get to. Glad I have my friends here on PC to help me through this. HUGS Kit

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Default Jul 12, 2019 at 05:59 PM
  #76
((((((((((Kit)))))))))))

It sounds like something, maybe anger?, builds up inside and gets harder and harder to resist around 50 days.

((((((((((Kit)))))))))))

If it's true about something building up: Do you also think it is anger? If not, what else might it be?

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Default Jul 12, 2019 at 06:20 PM
  #77
Hey Bill! Yeah, 50 days is usually around my breaking point. IDK why. There's nothing magical about the number 50. I just get worn down after around 50 days and it gets harder and harder to resist. I think it could be anger. Anger at my parents for neglecting me and for my Mom physically abusing me when I was a kid. But I have a great relationship with my parents now so I think it's hard to feel that anger. But I've never really dealt with it. After 10 + years in therapy you think I would have. But I just avoid anger like the plague. But then I get hurt by hurting myself, so my T is trying to help me pry the door open a little. I drew today (whilst at work--bad employee--I didn't have any work to do) a mandala and a scene of a girl in a closet scared. I'm trying to get to that anger but it is buried deep. It's easier to cut it away. HUGS Kit

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Default Jul 12, 2019 at 09:10 PM
  #78
It must be really rough to have in the back of your mind that trying to address anger about the past with your parents could jeopardize your good relationship with them now.

What happened if, when you were a child, you got angry?

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Default Jul 12, 2019 at 09:25 PM
  #79
If I got angry as a child, I got punished. I learned quickly that being angry wasn't okay. Then I saw the adults around me out of control with their anger which made anger even that much more off limits in my mind. There were no good role models for me with healthy anger. My former T tried to do that for me, but if she got angry bc of something I've been through it just made me dissociated. Even though she would never ever hurt me. Anger just isn't safe. It's not safe in me and it's not safe in others. I get hurt either way. It's safer to just cut. This is something I have to change. Hopefully my new T can help with this. I know intellectually there can be healthy anger, I just don't know how to be angry in a healthy way. I don't even know how to be angry. I don't let myself get angry. It's just not safe. So T feels that my SH has a lot to do with my anger. She probably has a point. It's just one of those things that I haven't learned how to deal with yet. But I have hope. Hugs. Kit

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Default Jul 12, 2019 at 10:14 PM
  #80
First of all, you're doing great. I'm glad you have a good T to work through this stuff with. I don't have much advice but your story echoes in my own life. As a teenager I would get hysterically upset (I had good reason to) and would be told to 'just stop it or else'. I didn't know how else to get the hurt out and started cutting. It took me a long time to feel comfortable expressing my hurt instead of harming myself and the urge to do so has been a life long struggle but it gets easier
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