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Member Since Jun 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 86
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#1
Hi, my dad died two months ago. I’m having a very hard time coping. Partly because my sister and stepmother live out of state and I am here alone. I have some friends but don’t feel like I can be real with them. My boyfriend has been doing nothing but fighting with me and telling me everything I do is wrong since my dad died. He said he is my rock but broke up with me 4 times and then came back and said he’s sorry and how much he loves me. I. Can’t take it anymore. All the fighting really got to me and I was so stressed about my dad and I finally decided to cut to feel better and I did. Then yesterday my boyfriend told me I had ruined our relationship by asking to spend Saturday with my friends. He was mad it was a holiday weekend and I’ve been gone a lot due to my dad’s death (I went out of town for two weeks to visit my sister and stepmother). He wen on and on and finally I couldn’t take it and I started throwing stuff (I haven’t thrown stuff in years) and I went in the bathroom and cut my leg. He came in and caught me and helped me bandage it. Then today he apologized for fighting and said it was all his fault even though yesterday he was being verbally abusive and telling me everything is my fault and I am responsible for everything. Then he called and had a problem with me again and I cut again. I need to get out of this cycle. I know I need to get away from my boyfriend. I didn’t describe everything but he is verbally abusive. Since my dad died 3/24 he broke up with me 5 times then came back and said how much he loves me and wants me. It’s too much. I cut to feel better and to relieve my stress. It had been years but losing my dad and having this boyfriend drama sent me over the edge. I hate it because i Know I’ll have scars. I feel maybe I should check into the hospital. I’m afraid I’ll keep cutting and I just feel so bad and depressed. I don’t know how to get through my days. My boyfriend has made the whole time since my dad died much worse than it would have been. What do I do? Go to the hospital? Break up with my boyfriend? Get out of this state and move in with my sister? What do I do?
__________________ Current diagnosis Schizoaffective GAD PTSD Agoraphobia Fibromyalgia |
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Bill3, Fuzzybear, SlumberKitty, tgwwtl3
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#2
I can't tell you what you should do, because I don't have enough information. But I could tell you what I would do if I were you. Do you have a therapist? I would consider getting one. They can help you with the grief over the loss of your dad (my sincerest condolences) and also help with the relationship drama you seem to be in with your boyfriend. It definitely seems like you are under an extreme amount of stress right now. Can you consider taking a vacation and go by yourself somewhere where you feel safe, maybe with your sister? Give yourself a break and time to decompress and think about all these things going on in your life without having to experience them. Or alternatively, might you consider taking a break from your relationship with your boyfriend. It doesn't mean you have to break up but take a step back and disengage for a little while (I'm assuming you have strong feelings and love him, but if not then consider breaking up with him). I'm sorry you feel so bad that you are cutting. Recently (this week) I relapsed too so I know that it's really hard. It sounds like your stress is overwhelming your coping mechanisms. A therapist might be able to help you with that as well. If anything, keep talking here. We are listening, and we care. HUGS Kit
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Bill3
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Bill3
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Member
Member Since Jun 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 86
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#3
Hi, thanks for your response. Yes I do see a therapist. The last time I saw her I told her I cut myself. Cut twice since then. I can’t get in to see her again until June 4. I got the amount of times wrong. My boyfriend broke up with me 5 times since my dad died and I took him back. My therapist told me to reconsider this relationship when he dumped me and fought with me as soon as I returned from out of state after watching my dad die in front of me in the hospital. He told me all I do wrong. She said he was too selfish and didn’t care about my needs. He is always right in his mind and it doesn’t matter what I do even the way I word things makes me wrong even if I say what he wants to hear me say. He makes me feel awful about myself. Then comes back a few days later and says I’m the love of his life blah blah. I’m so vulnerable I can’t seem to get out of this.
__________________ Current diagnosis Schizoaffective GAD PTSD Agoraphobia Fibromyalgia |
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Bill3, SlumberKitty, tgwwtl3
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#4
I'm glad you see a therapist. I'm sorry you can't see her again until June 4th. Mine is like that, where there are big gaps in between. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is doing what is best for you. It sounds like he has his interests in mind, but doesn't care about you feeling awful about yourself. That's wrong, imho. I think you deserve better. It sounds like a pattern of him treating you badly, breaking up with you, and then making up with you. This sounds like an emotional roller-coaster from hell. I don't think you need that stress. I think you deserve to find someone who treats you better and doesn't keep making you feel awful about yourself. That's not real love. That sounds like control. HUGS Kit
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Bill3
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#5
You may also want to post part of this in the relationships and communication forum. There may be people there that would give you better advice regarding your relationship. I'm not great with relationship stuff, but I can definitely talk to you about the cutting. HUGS Kit
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Legendary
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#6
I agree with your therapist about the relationship with your boyfriend.
He is not treating you in a way that is healthy and healing for you. |
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#7
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#8
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Magnate
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#9
Why are you in this relationship?
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Member
Member Since Jun 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 86
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#10
He has been helping support me and I suppose I feel stuck and scared if I leave him. I have a disability claim currently open and waiting for court. I can’t work so I am afraid to be alone. But yes this person continues to fight with me and make me feel crazy. It drives me into level 10 panic attacks. I know I need to leave him. Just this weekend I took out my phone to take a pic of us and there was a text from my friend on it and I opened it and he blew up and got mad at me for texting. I said I wasn’t texting I just saw the text when I pulled out my phone. My friend texted me on advice on paint colors because she Was getting her Solon painted in like one hour. He admitted he manipulates me and promised not to do it then two days later does it again. I have to get away. It’s making my mental health worse and messing with my grieving process. I need calm and love and caring. I do know that inside. I have low self esteem. I’m used to abuse in relationships.
__________________ Current diagnosis Schizoaffective GAD PTSD Agoraphobia Fibromyalgia |
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Member
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#11
I'm truly sorry you are going through a hard time right now. If staying with your sister is an option, even just long enough to figure out what you want your next step is, I would suggest you do. You deserve better than this and don't deserve to be treated this way in any situation let alone during a trying time. This can give you a safe space to grieve and it may help you refrain for cutting. I recently relapsed and I know that it feels like it's the only thing that helps, but its not. Stay strong, you got this!
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Bill3
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