advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-04-2019, 02:12 PM   #11
SlumberKitty
Legendary
 
SlumberKitty's Avatar
SlumberKitty is keeping her head above water, barely.
 
Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 13,731 (SuperPoster!)
1 yr Member
40.5k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: New Goal

Even though my arm hurts from the SH I did on Saturday and Sunday, I still want to do more. I'm stressed over telling Pastor T tonight. I asked his wife if she would be my accountability partner. I'm supposed to let her know if I am struggling. But I don't want to have to let her know the very next day after I asked her. I feel pathetic.
__________________
Dum Spiro Spero
SlumberKitty is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote

advertisement
Old 11-04-2019, 07:52 PM   #12
Bill3
Wise Elder
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 9,130 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
18.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: New Goal

It sounds like you feel truly immense stress about telling your pastor. That stress in itself makes you want to SH.



Please (if okay) let us know how things go tonight!

((((((((SlumberKitty))))))))))
Bill3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 11-05-2019, 03:15 PM   #13
SlumberKitty
Legendary
 
SlumberKitty's Avatar
SlumberKitty is keeping her head above water, barely.
 
Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 13,731 (SuperPoster!)
1 yr Member
40.5k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: New Goal

Hi Bill3 and everyone who reads this thread. It went well with Pastor T last night. Better than I had anticipated. He asks a lot more questions about the actual SH than my regular T does. He asked like how much, how deep, how much time in between episodes, what were you thinking afterward, what did you try to do before hand to stop yourself from SH-ing (um, nothing, I was at the point where that was what I wanted to do and that's what I did, not proud of it, but that is what it is). When was the last time I had to get stitches? Was I watching for infection? He said that I want to do it (true) but I also want to want to not do it. I think of the Apostle Paul: I do that which I know I ought not do.
Possible trigger:
He was proud of me for asking his wife to be my accountability partner. We are working on a lot of trying to make my faith more real. I have a lot of head knowledge about my faith but it doesn't always translate into how I feel about myself and stuff like that. It was pretty stressful talking to him about it but I felt much less stress when I left than when I got there so I am going to take that as a good sign. I have some homework to do before next Monday. And then he will be gone for two weeks (minimum) because he is having knee surgery. It is hard for me to talk to people IRL about my SH but I think I will be able to talk to him about it. I'm just glad he didn't ask to see it. I was worried about that. I mean, most of it was bandaged up anyway so there wouldn't have been much for him to see, but it always feel like such an invasion when T's have to see the SH. Thanks for the hugs Bill! HUGS back, Kit
__________________
Dum Spiro Spero
SlumberKitty is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-07-2019, 03:19 PM   #14
SlumberKitty
Legendary
 
SlumberKitty's Avatar
SlumberKitty is keeping her head above water, barely.
 
Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 13,731 (SuperPoster!)
1 yr Member
40.5k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: New Goal

I had regular T last night and we talked about the SH. She actually gave me an extended session: an hour and a half instead of 50 minutes. Usually she will ask me to commit to a time of NO SH but I really wasn't ready to make that commitment right now. I want to want to not SH, but I want to SH. If that makes any sense. T just said she hoped I could make it through the week without SH-ing. It's hard because the SH doesn't feel finished that I did over the weekend. I feel like there's more that I didn't do that needs to be done. I don't know why, it just gives me that feeling of completeness and I am missing that right now. It's so hard. I'm really struggling with the SH right now. I know I would feel better for a little while if I SH but then I know if I do I will ultimately feel guilty. I just feel like I need to do it. I hope someone understands, I feel so alone with this. Pastor T said that if Regular T didn't make a goal for/with me for NO SH that he would do it. I don't really want to be pressured into that right now but I don't know if that is going to work. I just gotta see how it goes I guess. HUGS for everyone that wants one, Kit
__________________
Dum Spiro Spero
SlumberKitty is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-07-2019, 05:09 PM   #15
Bill3
Wise Elder
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 9,130 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
18.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: New Goal

((((((((SlumberKitty))))))))

Would you be willing to say a little more about the feeling of completeness you mentioned?

Hugs
Bill3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 11-07-2019, 06:07 PM   #16
SlumberKitty
Legendary
 
SlumberKitty's Avatar
SlumberKitty is keeping her head above water, barely.
 
Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 13,731 (SuperPoster!)
1 yr Member
40.5k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: New Goal

Hi Bill, usually when I SH, I have to keep going until it feels complete. I interrupted that behavior until I could get to that feeling, so I didn't get the same sort of satisfaction from SH that I usually get. I was trying to rein in my behavior so I didn't let it get out of hand. But because I stopped before I really felt finished, it feels incomplete. So I feel like I have to go back and do more SH until I get that feeling inside that it is enough. I don't know if it is a certain amount of endorphins or something like that. But I didn't get the complete benefit of the SH because I interrupted it. I know it is good that I interrupted it so that it wouldn't get too bad and I had to go get stitches or something, but part of me still longs to finish what I started. It's the self-destructive part of myself. It is rearing it's ugly head. It's like, "you didn't do enough, you didn't hurt enough, you deserve more hurt." Usually I SH until I don't hear that stuff anymore. But I stopped before that part went away. HUGS Kit
__________________
Dum Spiro Spero
SlumberKitty is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-07-2019, 07:08 PM   #17
Bill3
Wise Elder
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 9,130 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
18.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: New Goal

Hi Kit,

Thank you for saying more about it, I feel like I understand better now.

Possible trigger:


(I myself disagree with anyone that says you deserve to be hurt. )

HUGS
Bill3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-07-2019, 07:25 PM   #18
SlumberKitty
Legendary
 
SlumberKitty's Avatar
SlumberKitty is keeping her head above water, barely.
 
Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 13,731 (SuperPoster!)
1 yr Member
40.5k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: New Goal

Thanks, Bill. I'll try to keep your words in my head instead of the ones telling me I deserve more hurt. HUGS Kit
__________________
Dum Spiro Spero
SlumberKitty is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-08-2019, 01:45 PM   #19
Bill3
Wise Elder
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 9,130 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
18.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: New Goal

You don't deserve to be hurt.
Bill3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:24 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.