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Default Feb 24, 2020 at 02:27 PM
  #1
Hi all, so it is almost time for Lent again. I've decided this year to give up self harm for Lent again. I did it last year and almost made it to Pentacost. So that was good. I feel like I'm in a better place this year because of being on different medications and stuff, but also in a more precarious place, since being hospitalized and stuff. So I think it's going to be pretty hard. I wanted to write this thread so I could keep up with it as it is happening and get some support from you all. It's hard going it alone. Just wanted to be able to check in and discuss what is hard about it, or what is going well, things like that. So tomorrow is Shrove Tuesday, and then Wednesday is Ash Wednesday and is the start of Lent. Right now, the question for me is do I Self Harm now to help me get through Lent without it, or keep up my streak (I'm at 30 days no self harm)? Either answer seems to be wrong. But I'm having crazy urges at the moment so that probably isn't helping. HUGS to anyone who wants one, Kit

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Default Feb 24, 2020 at 05:18 PM
  #2
What are the pros and cons of self-harming now?

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Default Feb 24, 2020 at 05:35 PM
  #3
Cons:
If I self harm now, I might have trouble getting out of that cycle by the start of Lent.
I will let people down who are supporting me.
I will be harming my body.
If it is not good for me during Lent, it is not good for me during other times of the year also.
I'd have to tell my therapist, pastor, RN, parents, etc. Then they would be worried upset.

I might feel worse afterwards.
Guilt.

Pros:
If I self harm now, it's not as long before I can do it again.
I would feel better for a little while.


Right now it looks like the Cons are winning. HUGS Kit

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Default Feb 24, 2020 at 06:07 PM
  #4
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Default Feb 25, 2020 at 12:48 PM
  #5
Today I feel triggered. Just by my own stuff, nothing on here. I think part of me knows that it is my last chance to SH before Lent and is freaking out a little bit. I've texted some friends letting them know I am struggling a bit but pretty much everyone is working so I'll get the texts later. I'm at work too, but it's not busy today, at least not yet. I don't think it will be either. Has that "feel" to it. I'm trying to not let the "wanting to" overcome the part of me that doesn't want to. It's a push/pull. I gotta see which side of me is stronger I guess.

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Default Feb 25, 2020 at 05:25 PM
  #6
I was supposed to see Pastor T tonight but he is still sick. So he postponed until next week. Ack! I'm triggered but I'll just have to get through it. I texted him that I have been SH free for 31 days though and that I am giving it up for Lent. I just wanted him to know for some reason. He hasn't responded. Sometimes I hate therapy. At least I still get to talk to my case manager/care coordinator tonight. And I guess there is that support group on Thursday night. Guess I should try that out again.

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Default Feb 25, 2020 at 06:25 PM
  #7
What do you like about support group? Hugs!
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Default Feb 26, 2020 at 11:26 AM
  #8
Hi Bill3, I've only been to the support group one other time. It's a NAMI support group. There were about 15 people there. I felt pretty comfortable. I even shared on my first visit. What I liked about it, is that there were people like me, not necessarily people who self harm (I would love to find a self harm support group) but people who deal with severe mental illness and who have been hospitalized and stuff like that. It makes me feel less alone. Today is officially the start of Lent. If I get through Lent, which I have promised God, I think I will be at like 78 days without SH. That's a good start. I'm really trying to end this this year. We'll see. I'm not trying to put too much pressure on myself, but on the other hand, it's good to have a goal. HUGS Kit

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Default Feb 26, 2020 at 12:44 PM
  #9
Since today is Ash Wednesday, I'm glad because it is a holy day but I'm also grieving the loss of SH, if that makes any sense whatsoever. I'm going to be without it for many days now in a row and I can't go back on my promise. I tried talking with my Regular T about my fear of relapse but she was like, if it happens it happens, and it doesn't happen to everyone. Neither of which satisfied me. I'm feeling sad that I can't "use" SH right now even though I wanted to give it up for Lent. It's like, when you can't do something, you want it more.

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Default Feb 26, 2020 at 12:55 PM
  #10
It does make sense to me that you would grieve the loss of SH. It was a source of relief I am thinking.

It sounds like T didn't really get into your fear of relapse, she kind of breezed over it? And thus you didn't feel heard?

If you didn't feel heard, would you want to speak about it here?

I wonder if there are any online self-help support groups.

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Default Feb 26, 2020 at 05:41 PM
  #11
I don't know what to say about my fear of relapse, but let me try @Bill3. I think because I was recently hospitalized due to SH although the ER doctor totally flipped out and thought it was Sui which was ridiculous, it's like the stakes are much higher now. I can't let myself get to that space again because I know that it could end up being that I am hospitalized again. So relapses are much scarier now. I have to be very serious about them. I think I've been getting much more serious about stopping SH too. I mean, it takes as long as it is going to take, but since the hospitalization, that was in a way a blessing, although it was also a curse and a very expensive lesson. But a blessing because it made me confront that there are very real consequences to hurting myself.

My T seemed to be like, oh well if it happens, it happens, so what, you move forward. I guess that I can see her point, but I also am much more afraid of that now because if I relapse and it's bad, I know what can happen. I have a lot more healthy respect for doctors and their right to take away my liberty whenever they see fit. Maybe it's more that I have a fear of hospitals now instead of a fear of relapse, but I don't think so. I think I know that since I've been crossing that line more and having to get stitches more then if I am going to SH in the future, that possibility is there.


My T also said not everyone relapses. I've not read a single account where people haven't relapsed. I'm sure they are out there, but I don't know of anyone and I've relapsed so many times while trying to quit. This time does feel different--this time of quitting I mean--because I've got more people holding me accountable than just me and my T. I have people from Church holding me accountable for one thing. I also threw out my tools that I use to SH and that was a big thing. I still have one at work that I need to get rid of but that means taking it home to dispose of it and I don't want to take it home for fear of not disposing of it.


I get so depressed sometimes or when I'm having hallucinations, it still seems like SH is the answer for me. So it is hard to think of life without SH. I think that is why my T suggested writing a letter to the part of me that engages in SH. To tell her what she has done for me and why I need to walk away now. I've done some journaling, but I haven't done the letter. I don't know what to say exactly.


I'm triggered today. It's the first day of Lent, and a long stretch of days is before me where I know that I cannot SH. I'm also trying to take better care of my skin. I'm putting special moisturizers on the part that had to get stitched and I'm trying to do a lot more self care on my skin. Hopefully that will help me not relapse. I don't want the scars to go away in one sense because that is my physical connection to the hospital and those horrible days there and I don't want to forget that, because I don't want to end up there again.


I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but thanks to anyone who took the time to read it. HUGS Kit

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Default Feb 26, 2020 at 06:01 PM
  #12
Oh yeah, here's a little interesting tid-bit. I was talking to my case manager/care coordinator last night on the phone. She asked me if I was going to be safe and not SH last night since it was the last night before Lent and I was having lots of urges. So she asked me if I could promise her that I wouldn't, and I promised her that I wouldn't. So she was so cute and ridiculous and over the top and lovely (yes all of those things all at the same time) and she says: I send you so many hugs and kisses right now, I am so happy for you! You are doing so well! It kind of made me feel good and glow and feel warm inside even though I realize it was ridiculous. Kit

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Default Feb 26, 2020 at 08:14 PM
  #13
Aw I love your case manager!

I like the thought that the hospital might have been a blessing in disguise. What is it like if/when you pray about SH these days?

With hallucinations being a significant trigger toward SH I am wondering if a discussion/update with a psychiatrist is warranted.

It's a fine line that T seems to be trying to walk. On the one hand, she doesn't want you to have excessive shame if you relapse. On the other hand, she doesn't want to be so lax that it seems like she doesn't care if you SH.

What is your current thinking about the group tomorrow?
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Default Feb 27, 2020 at 10:51 AM
  #14
Hi @Bill3 I talked to my psychiatrist on February 14th. I had a 50 minute session with him so I was really able to talk about the hallucinations and everything that has been going on. He raised my anti-psychotic Rexulti to 4 mg, and then he added another anti-depressant Cymbalta at 30 mg. So now I take two anti-depressants, an ADHD medication, an anti-psychotic, while the anti-anxiety, and sleep medication are as needed. He didn't seem to realize that the hallucinations were that bad so he wanted them to clear up. They seem to be less and when I do have them they are more benign since the increase in the anti-psychotic. It makes me tired though. I go home and sleep after work each day because it is less painful to be asleep than to be awake.


Possible trigger for Christianity/Prayer
Possible trigger:


I am going to go to the group tonight barring any unforeseen circumstances. I am kind of looking forward to it. I don't have a lot to say tonight but I am hopeful that just being around people who are struggling like me will be encouraging.


HUGS Kit

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Default Feb 27, 2020 at 04:59 PM
  #15
Glad to hear that your psychiatrist seems to be on top of things!

If okay I will pray too what you wrote that you are praying.

Would be very interested to hear what you thought of the meeting.

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Default Feb 28, 2020 at 04:01 PM
  #16
Hi @Bill3


Sure I'd love for you to pray along with me. That has been my constant prayer lately.


The support group was okay. There's one guy there who has Schizoaffective disorder like me. I think maybe we could be friends outside of the group. I'm having trouble connecting with some of the others, but it's only the second time I went. I noticed some people had been there the first time I was there and other people hadn't. I didn't get to talk very much in group but I made the effort and I went and I talked at the beginning and the end. There was one really chatty person there who kept sort of interring with what people were trying to say and the facilitator didn't seem to know what really to do about her. So she rambled on for quite a while in the middle of other people trying to share their stories. My parents might go to the family group next time. So they can get support as they support me. I think that might be good for them. I don't know. They'd have to try it. They both said they were willing to try it but not last night because they were both tired. It is a long group, about 2 hours with a 10 minute break in between.


I'm having urges today to SH. Not terrible ones, but still disruptive. No T appointments this week so that may not have helped. I was supposed to see my Pastor T early in the week but he was sick. It's been 34 days since I SH-ed. Today I keep thinking about the hospital and my time there and all the stuff that transpired. Sometimes I feel like I need to go back to the hospital. Other times I feel okay. I have to do an evaluation next time with my case manager. I enjoy talking with her but I'm afraid she is going to tell me I am functioning well enough now and don't need her anymore. It could just be my fear of that.


All I want to do is sleep. I don't know if it is the medication or if it is just me, or if it is the depression. Right now I wish I was sleeping. Sleeping is less painful than being awake. Sad but true.


How are you doing Bill? You doing okay? Thanks for always being such a great support. HUGS Kit

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Default Feb 28, 2020 at 11:38 PM
  #17
Hi Kit!

I'm doing okay thanks! And thank you so much for your kind words. And I will keep praying!

I'm doing something different than usual this year for Lent. I asked myself: what could I do that would (hopefully) enhance my relationship with Jesus every day. Like--what is something that I do every day? Well I realized that I eat breakfast every day. So my plan is to switch to one of those unsweetened dry somewhat unpleasant (to me) cereals. And then each day at breakfast, instead of reading the newspaper, to reflect on Jesus's life--the unpleasant parts.

Also, sometimes I will add blueberries and then think about the healthy sweetness of Jesus's life and teaching in the context of the unpleasantness he experienced.

I think you had a really good insight in seeing the possibility of a connection between your anxiety about the case manager and the current urges to SH.

It might be interesting to look at the desire to sleep a bit more. Like you said, to see if it is medication related or depression related or both. What makes being awake so painful right now?

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Default Mar 09, 2020 at 03:01 PM
  #18
Hi! I'm still sleeping a lot on the weekends. I'd sleep at work if I could figure out a way to do so and not get fired. I always get my work done but I always have a ton of time left over. I'm still not sure if it is medication or depression but I am leaning towards it being the depressive part of the SZA. I might get some answers tomorrow because the case manager/care coordinator woman is going to do an evaluation. If I score high on depression, I'm going to say it's that.


I'm not sure why being awake is so painful right now, but I think part of it is not SH-ing. I'm not getting anything "out" of me, so everything is starting to feel raw on the outside from being unopened on the inside if that makes any sense. I'm relying on others a lot more to help me through and then there is days like today when I'm mostly doing breathing exercises and praying and stuff like that that is internal and not relying on others. I just don't want to burn out those that are in my support network. They probably don't think of it like that, but I do.


I've been trying to treat myself when I feel like I have been doing good with not SH-ing. It's been 44 days right now and there's lots of days left in Lent. I bought myself a new hoodie and a couple of pairs of jeans the other day. I bought myself some coca-cola and some pizza the other day too as sort of like a way to go girl for keeping on keeping on. When I get to 50 days I want to do something nice for myself. I don't know what, but I want to do something. Maybe go to the aquarium or something. Just to like reward myself. I think if I can keep giving myself rewards it will help because I will see some positives out of it. I do feel some positives on the inside, like not feeling as empty but the not wanting to be awake and not wanting to talk and stuff is overshadowing that.


Today is hard. I'm trying to think of what could make it less hard and really the only thing I can think of is sleep, which I can't do because I am at work. So I would have to leave work early which I don't want to do because I don't want to miss pay. Besides tonight I have therapy so I'd have to get back up and reengage with the world and if I go to sleep now I won't want to do that later.


Giving up SH is hard. Some days it is harder than other days. Today is a hard day.


HUGS Kit

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Default Mar 09, 2020 at 05:21 PM
  #19
I just texted Pastor T and cancelled for tonight. I just really didn't feel like going. I'm feeling self destructive today. This cancelling is probably an outgrowth of that. I don't care. I don't want to go. I told him I really wasn't feeling well, which is true. I just didn't say that it's all emotional. I feel fine physically. He can read it whichever way he wishes.

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Default Mar 09, 2020 at 05:23 PM
  #20
By self destructive I don't mean suicide. I mean
Possible trigger:

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