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Default Apr 21, 2020 at 11:50 AM
  #1
Hi All,


Does anyone here suffer from delusions regarding SH? My Regular T and my Pastor T both told me I am having delusions regarding SH. I kind of don't believe them, but then I am starting to believe them because why would they lie to me? I mean, they are there to help me, not lie to me. But then, it's sort of hard to trust them because what I am seeing (which they said is hallucinating) goes against what they are saying.


This is what is going on. For a long time now whenever I cut myself, there's black gooey stuff that comes out of my skin when I cut along with the
Possible trigger:
. The black gooey stuff evaporates but if I haven't cut in a while it gets built up in my arms and that is why my arms hurt even when I haven't hurt them. This is also how I know where to cut because I can feel the build up of the black gooey stuff under my skin in my arms and that is where it needs to be let out.


My regular T was like what caused the black gooey stuff and Pastor T was like how did it get in you? So I said it's all the bad stuff that I've done that gets collected and clumped together and cutting lets it out. Trigger for Christianity
Possible trigger:
.


My Pastor T said to look up what tar would do to the body if it were ingested, not that I think that is what happened. And I don't necessarily think it is tar that is in me, just that is the closest thing I can think of to describe it. He wants me to be able to rationalize this away. He said he has worked with other "cutters" (I hate that term btw, I much prefer self harmers) and none of them have ever said anything about the black gooey stuff. I do have Schizoaffective disorder which means sometimes I get hallucinations and delusions along with having a mood disorder--in my case depression--so it is possible this is a delusion, but I think it is equally possible that what I see is what it is.


Anyhow, can anyone out there relate? Am I talking crazy? Hope someone understands what I am saying.


HUGS All, Kit

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Default Apr 22, 2020 at 03:50 PM
  #2
I understand what you're saying, and my gut instinct is to say this does sound like a bit of delusional thinking.
I have schizoaffective disorder too, and while I don't remember ever having delusions about self harming, I have had command hallucinations telling me to do it.
Maybe time for a med change?
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Default Apr 22, 2020 at 09:49 PM
  #3
Thanks @spikes My case manager thinks its a delusion too which is more people thinking it is a delusion. I still know that I see what I see but I know they are telling me not to trust that. Its a frustrating thing. To experience something and then have others tell you its not real. Its like yes!!!! It is!!!! But the more I argue it the more they argue back. You wouldn't know this right now but I'm crying. I'm also sorry you've had command hallucinations telling you to SH. That sucks. I haven't had that. Mine just usually say
Possible trigger:
I don't know what to do. Thanks for responding to me spikes. That means a lot. Hugs Kit

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Default Apr 23, 2020 at 09:10 AM
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((((((Kit))))))
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Default May 11, 2020 at 12:08 PM
  #5
My arms were hurting yesterday, physically hurting, although I had not hurt them. I ended up putting on one of those patches with lidocaine on my arms to help reduce the amount of pain that I was feeling. It helped. I also used a heating pad and wrapped it around my arms. It helped the pain in my arms lessen and ease up. My T thinks some of this is psychosomatic. My Pdoc thinks my delusion is my feelings getting caught up in my brain and the signals are getting crossed and it's coming "out" as a delusion. IDK. Sounds very difficult to understand. I'm not sure I understand either. I hope that my arms won't hurt so much the longer I go without Self Harm.

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Default May 11, 2020 at 03:17 PM
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I feel fragile at the moment. Usually what would help with feeling like this is after cutting I would bandage my arms with gauze (I'm allergic to the adhesive in band-aids). The act of cleaning everything up and wrapping my arms would be so comforting and I would feel held. I sometimes will roll myself up in a blanket burrito style to get that being held feeling or I will use my weighted blanket. Right now I'm at work and none of this stuff is an option. I'm wearing my new sweatshirt which is sort of helping me feel held, but since it's new and not "broken in" yet, it doesn't have quite the same affect. Sigh.

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Default May 11, 2020 at 05:13 PM
  #7
Sigh, UGH, I want to cut. But I don't want to. I want to not want to.

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Default May 13, 2020 at 01:10 PM
  #8
Not sure if this is a hallucination or delusion or real, but there is something in my right wrist at the moment. It is hurting me like from the inside out. It is spiky. I have examined my wrist from the outside and everything looks normal. I want to cut to get it out. I can't though because I'm at 109 days without self harming and everyone is like, oh you are doing so good, blah blah blah. I can't let them down. It moves around in my arm and sometimes goes to the other arm. Right now it is in my wrist. I'm annoyed with it.

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Default May 13, 2020 at 04:53 PM
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The spiky thing moved. Now it's just both arms that are hurting. The spiky thing must be running up and down both arms making them hurt. I am off of work in about 45 minutes so I can go home and put some heat on my arms and that might help. It's really bothering me. Sorry guys to keep talking about it, it's just really bothering me bad.

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Default May 19, 2020 at 04:46 PM
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((((((( Kit )))))))

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